by Spiritguided Woman

Member since:
January 14, 2006

Cleo and My Mental Illness - Republished because the original became inaccessible

April 28, 2006 09:10 PM EDT

views: 37 | rating: 10/10 (4 votes) | comments: 19

Memories

Feelings

Racing through my mind

What is real and what is not

Shhh

That noise

What was it

Did you hear it

My throat begins to constrict

I struggle to breathe

The shadows haunt me

What was that sound

I know someone is in this house

Someone is going to hurt me

I frantically look around

What can I do

How can I keep them away

Over and over

I am here again

Shhh

I think I hear someone

Look at the shadow on the floor

I know that is someone hiding

Waiting to scare me

My heart beats faster

Terror rising

Eyes darting around

Move

Don't move

What do I do

Racing thoughts

How can I keep safe

How do I get out of here

Without being hurt again

I know someone is there

They always are

But tonight they are noisier

If I go in my room then I am trapped

No way out

If I hide in the closet I am still not safe

Cleo

Where is Cleo

She will protect me

She always does

If I could just find her

I know I will be safe

I know when I hug her

I become stronger

Able to keep myself

From disappearing

Into my thoughts

But where is she

I slide against the wall

Moving second by second

Frantically looking around

Shhh

Racing thoughts

Terror

I don't want to be hurt

Any more

Cleo

Where's Cleo

I get on my knees and crawl

I can be quieter this way

Look over there

Is that someone hiding

Ready to hurt me

Cleo

Where are you

My brain screams

Oh to scream out loud

But my heart is racing

And my head is spinning

I have to get to Cleo

She will make everything

Better

Slowly now

Shhh

Don't let them know

Where you are

I'm almost there

Cleo

Where are you

I found you

I put you on my shoulder

In the crook of my neck

Relief

Such peaceful relief

All is well now

I feel your velvet outfit

One hand finds a foot

The other strokes an ear

So soft and calming

Cleo

It's ok now

We're ok now

Then I grab for her tail

And I sigh and rock her small body

I am weakened from the fear

But Cleo makes it all better

She takes away all my anguish

She is magical

Cleo

I'm so glad you are here

I know you will protect me

No one can hurt me now

I look at the tag on her leg

Thank God for you

Cleo

Tags: sadness, fear, struggles, panic attacks, life, bravery, personal stories, depression, ptsd, hurt, bi-polar, mental illness

To Groups: Women Wise, Survivor's Forum, Poetry

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Comments: 19

Faith H. Apr 28, 2006, 9:29pm EDT

somehow the little furry ones always anchor us. bless cleo!

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Annina Anton Apr 29, 2006, 6:04am EDT

OH, Lisa...what a wonderful poem! I totally bought into Cleo being a real animal, most likely a cat...and it turns out she's a stuffed animal. What a poignant and revealing scene. I could feel the anxiety, the yearning, the desperate need, and then the relief as Cleo came to save the day. Wonderful and evocative. Thank you!

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Dawn M Apr 29, 2006, 11:05pm EDT

Glad you had Cleo to save the day, and make everything better. I think we all have a Cleo or someone out there to help us. Great writing Lisa. You have a way of grabbing attention to what you write.

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HGM Moya Goatley May 1, 2006, 3:01pm EDT

I can feel the fear - and the letting it go. Strong writing. Moya

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Spiritguided Woman May 1, 2006, 4:54pm EDT

Yes, thank the dear Lord for the "Cleo's" in our lives. I tell ya, she works miracles with me!

Thanks for all your comments. They mean a lot to me.

Namaste

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Harold Lorin May 5, 2006, 9:36am EDT

Very effective visualization of deep feeling. Of course you ask a lot from
Cleo.

H

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Ludie Gee May 5, 2006, 10:30am EDT

Wonderful poem Lisa.

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Spiritguided Woman May 5, 2006, 12:46pm EDT

Harold, I think when they designed Cleo they put in "unconditional love" that will never wear thin. Thank you!

"L" I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you very much.

Namaste

reply to this comment

Serina Matteson May 8, 2006, 2:36pm EDT

Excellent. I know these feelings myself. I usually pet my cats or dog to help alleviate the fear.

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Spiritguided Woman May 9, 2006, 4:43am EDT

Serina - I can only hope for you and other's that we always have "Cleo's" in the world.

Namaste

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Kathryn E. May 9, 2006, 4:51am EDT

Very moving, Lisa. Best of luck. I understand your feelings well.

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Spiritguided Woman May 9, 2006, 5:09am EDT

Kathryn - I'm sorry that you know these feelings. It's tough but we're tougher!

Namaste

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0000-jimjimblund-0000 May 10, 2006, 1:29pm EDT

another fine txt,L

i had no nada when the aww struck.
but i was i manic stage and high as a kite when suddenly all the world got telepathy,Oh i went bananas.(on stockholm central station)with happy happy waves.Now all stopid misunderstandings and all should be balanced.
It was just me.
took 6 years to recover beyond sitting down.standing someware or hear the telly since i had closed my eyes.

Oh all my healers to you at this instant-poff pladoink.

(the angels of my doublesex have an experience that turn them unexperienced.)

lovingkindness

So.

jjb

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Lisa Kuenzi May 17, 2006, 7:58am EDT

Lisa, I am very moved by this post as you have told my story too. The terror that arises from an episode overtakes the mind, body and spirit and you have described it succinctly.

Excellent attention to detail. I like the twist at the end -- as it seems that Cleo is a cat and then the reader finds out she's a stuffed (doll or animal?).

In peace,
Lisa

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Spiritguided Woman May 17, 2006, 8:25am EDT

Jim - I'm sorry that I may have missed the message that you left regarding the posting of your comment......It's taken me seven years to finally come around again. I never thought it would take that long. Seven years of my life gone, but I'm getting better every day and that is definitely what matters.

Lisa - I truly appreciate your comment. It is nice to know that I am reaching other's like me. It helps me realize I am not travelling this journey alone and that I can possibly help someone else out along the way.

Thand you Jim.

As for Cleo, she is a stuffed cat, but don't say it in front of her, it gets her upset because she thinks she's real (ya know, like the Velveteen Rabit)and truthfully, so do I. Let's not mention it again.

Namaste

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Peg (Mistress of the Obvious) S. May 20, 2006, 4:40pm EDT

You're pretty cool, Lisa.
This poem...well...I read, I feel. Need I say more?
x

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Spiritguided Woman May 20, 2006, 5:42pm EDT

Thanks Peg. Your comment means a lot to me.

Namaste

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Molly Pockets May 26, 2006, 9:35pm EDT

I know exactly what you mean. I have a stuffed cat named Peaches that I still search for when I awake from a nightmare :)
You're never too old for your security blanket...or cat, as the case may be!

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Spiritguided Woman May 27, 2006, 7:42am EDT

Yes, Molly, I believe you are correct. You are never too old to have something comfort you in times of need! You use what whatever techniques you have to just get through the moment.

Many blessings to you!

Namaste

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