by Spiritguided Woman
Member since:
January 14, 2006

Understanding Me

April 26, 2006 09:42 PM EDT
views: 170 | rating: 10/10 (21 votes) | comments: 55

*Please don't take this as a need for self pity

I need to get this off my chest so proceed with caution*

 

 

I have a mental illness

 Or two

Or three

 

It depends on whose counting

 

I have:

 

Agoraphobia

Panic Disorder

Bipolar Disorder

Suicidal Ideations

Major Depression 

Personality disorder

Dissociative Disorder

Self Injurious Behaviors

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

 

I take:

 

Elavil

Prozac

Serequel

Lamictal

Klonopin

Cymbalta

Neurontin

 

All for my mental illnesses

 (Not including pain meds)

 

I have:

 

Been in 20 mental health facilities

 (Read psychiatric wards)

Since 1999

 

Been homeless three times

Two with my daughter

One by myself

 

I fit in well

With all the other

Outcasts

 

Been in day-treatment facilities

Being the social butterfly I am

I fit in with all the rest

Of the "loonies" too

 

It is safe being

With others of like mind

Those who are homeless

Those who are mentally ill

 

They don't judge me

They don't shy away from me

The don't think I am some leper

Like my family does

 

We smile

We laugh

I can be free

I can be myself

 

(Heavy sigh)

 

Some time ago

I was hearing a voice

That told me

"It's ok to die now"

And I would go

Into a trance

And disassociate

Over these five words

And agree with the voice

"Yes" I would nod

"It's ok to die now"

I would then hunt for something

To hurt myself with

 

On and on it went

For many months

 

I can only credit my being alive

To my fiancé, Michael

I know that if it weren't for him

I would be dead a long time ago

 

I have been a "Cutter"

Since I was 10

Twenty nine years

Of harming myself

Because I did not

Want to hurt anyone

Else but me

 

Been the victim and survivor of:

 

Incest

Verbal abuse

Sexual abuse

Mental abuse

Physical abuse

 

 

I have cut myself with:

 

Forks

Combs

Tweezers

Hair brushes

Knives of all kind (boring)

Bottoms of toothpaste tubes

A set of pocket pruning implements

(Tried out all the knives

The serrated edge worked the best)

 

One of my favorites was the

Wood carvers tool

I could actually carve my skin

Into anything I wanted

But at the time

I couldn't think of a design

That would be nice enough

So I just used it as a tool

To carve my skin

Painlessly in my trance

 

There are more but

I felt that it would be redundant

If I continued on listing them

 

Just use your imagination

 

I did

 

But as of today

April 26, 2006

I have 10 months

Free from self harm

Something I have

Been fighting for almost

30 years now

The wanting is mostly gone now

I have learned other skills

But my mind is still not right

I'm not sure when it will be

Or even if it will be

But I keep plugging along

 

One day

After

One day

After

One day

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Comments: 55

Bart H. Apr 26, 2006, 10:01pm EDT
Lisa; I note that your formatting and line selection creates very cool patterns: bells, spools, mushrooms.

your spare listing is powerful.

thanks for writing.

bh
Clare Stella Apr 26, 2006, 10:04pm EDT
It is not easy being you but you keep on trying, moving forward one baby step at a time. You are able to speak of the unspeakable and you will heal as you share your truths. Be well, be careful, and know you are cared about.
0000-fixedgaze-0000 Apr 26, 2006, 10:05pm EDT
I've known others who've battled with many of the things you've listed here. Every one of them is and has always been a good and valuable person, underneath all the struggles. Often, they're better company than some of the people I've known who claim none of the above.
Lee Hereford Apr 26, 2006, 10:11pm EDT
Lisa, I'm no psychologist, or any other kind of "ist", but I just want you to know that God loves you and has a plan for you; no matter what. You are a child of God and you are, or can be, a blessing to others. Keep working, keep writing, and keep praying for peace and grace. I'll pray for you too.
Charles Mussi Apr 26, 2006, 10:13pm EDT
Lisa, congratulations on your success and my best wishes for your continued strength. You have a lot to be proud of and be grateful for.

Big smiles
Spiritguided Woman Apr 26, 2006, 10:19pm EDT
Thank you all. I really thought that this might throw people off, but I walk in truth now, hand in hand with God. I felt afraid, but I know that part of myy healing is to share others who don't have their "voice" yet. It has taken me a long time to find mine.

Namaste
California Yankee Apr 26, 2006, 10:34pm EDT
Wow! That sort of puts things in a proper perspective. It's a powerful poem to boot.
0000-doublel-0000 Apr 26, 2006, 10:36pm EDT
Lisa, this was a bold and courageous piece and I hope your 10 months turns into 10 years and more. Keep up the fight to stay strong and continue sharing your voice.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 26, 2006, 10:44pm EDT
Thank you, Mr. Yankee...I'm from Boston, ya know. Your comment was so nice!

Laurie, I hope that my "sobriety" does turn into 10 years. I have a great guy by my side who has been through hell, but he's stuck with me and I'm sure he'll still be there to help me 10 years from now. Especially after what he's had to endure.

Namaste
Madame Donna C. Apr 26, 2006, 10:57pm EDT
Lisa, this writing is hard core. It is bared nakedness and you are to be commended for your honesty and bravery. Hopefully recovery for you lasts a lifetime well earned!
Spiritguided Woman Apr 26, 2006, 11:02pm EDT
I start to cry when I read comments like all of yours. Gather has become the voice I have always yearned to hear but have never received. Thank you all!

Namaste
Cheryl W. Apr 26, 2006, 11:04pm EDT
Lisa...this is raw and powerful and courageous. I applaud you for this poem. I applaud you for the 10 months you have been free of harming yourself. You ARE a survivor. And even though you still have your struggles, you are HERE. And you are writing, expressing yourself.....and the words you write may give someone else the courage to get the help they need. God bless you, and continue on.......in peace.
Tanja Edwards Apr 26, 2006, 11:05pm EDT
Congratulations on 10 months cut free. I know first hand how hard that can be. God bless you and keep you, and know you are in my prayers! Tanja
Spiritguided Woman Apr 26, 2006, 11:12pm EDT
I want to be that person who is willing to tell the world about what I have been through, what I have seen and share through my eyes what it is like to be homeless, a single mom on welfare and food stamps, to my years of abuse. I can't wait around for someone else to step up to the plate. Now it's my turn.

How many homeless people do people really associate with. I think God had a plan when my life turned out this way. I can relate to everyone from the homeless to the hierarchy (I met the Kind of Sweden when I was young - does that count?) I want to make a difference in this world and if I have to tell my story, then that's what I need to do. I want to be the voice of the humble.

Namaste

Thank you for all your support. You can pick up your, "Lisa from President" t-shirts by the door. (heh, heh - still have to have some humor!)
Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Apr 26, 2006, 11:12pm EDT
"They don't judge me"

The most powerful line in the poem for me. I admire you, for your honesty, and thank you for trusting me to know you without judging.
Karen M. Apr 27, 2006, 12:28am EDT
I like lists of all kinds. They really are like poems, even grocery lists in their way. A lot of my journaling consists of lists. There's something powerful in cataloguing thoughts and experiences in this way: isolating them, categorizing them, distilling them into precise units of meaning. I encourage you to continue to explore the therapeutic value in listmaking.

Good for you for taking care of yourself for 10 months. At 12 months it will be great to also see a list of everything about you that you know is wonderful. And make sure to celebrate
James Moylan Apr 27, 2006, 1:16am EDT
I am totally impressed, with the article, the sentiments and the author.
Hang in there Lisa.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 1:34am EDT
Sandy, Karen and James, thank you for your wonderful comments.

Namaste
Christopher Bell Apr 27, 2006, 1:36am EDT
Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your pain and a glimpse of your long, awful struggle to survive a childhood no child should ever have to experience. You honor us with your sharing but most importantly, you honor yourself because, in spite of everything, you are refusing to live in that empty shame place into which you were helplessly thrust so many years ago. I hope you will continue to bring your life story into the healing light so you and we can rightfully celebrate your defiant life spark which would not be extinguished in spite of the cruelty of others. Chris
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 1:53am EDT
Christopher, I so want to be a leader in supporting other's who have been where I have been and also others who are just struggling in their own right but need help on their level. I truly believe that if no one will take a stand and speak on behalf of those suffering, then who will? Guess who?

Namaste
Laura M. Apr 27, 2006, 2:56am EDT
This is the first step of all recoveries....the personal declarations of powerlessness and truthful admission of pain and addictions and open selfwitnessing. I am honored to witness your truth...this is very brave...and I congratulate you on your 10 months.....an amazing acheivment. I will write to you pesonally tomorrow on much more baout what you have said. I hope I can help you seek the healthy balanced, productive nurturing life that you deserve You certainly express with cllarity,, the desire and the strength to acheive it.
Huge hug for your truth and couage. Believe.....first just believe that you deserve it and I will try to help with more detaailed lovin' headed your way tomorrow..
Granny Janny H. Apr 27, 2006, 2:59am EDT
Every day is a gift...
sheryl r. Apr 27, 2006, 7:49am EDT
keep writing,maybe the pain and the need to hurt yourself will go away. Thanks for sharing this.
0000-erniezarraphd-0000 Apr 27, 2006, 8:59am EDT
Lisa, I understand. I understand how those "pieces" of you scream aloud for attention, some days. I understand the fracturing that occurs when things appear in the present close to circumstances you faced in the past. I fully comprehend the little girl in you retreating to safer places.

Sexual abuse of any sort is like a thief, stealing not only from the present, but stores up negative investments for the future. Please know that I understand what you are going through, and that I truly think EVERY single part of you is healing and merging again into the YOU that Lisa is meant to me. Thank you for taking the time to express your life with us. One thing missing from your lists is something of great importance. And let me be the first to demonstrate the good touching of life and friends . . . the hug . . . {{{{{LISA}}}}} . . . Keep up the great work. I admire that in you!
Stephen Schneider Apr 27, 2006, 9:09am EDT
You go girl! I know the places so well. With honesty we can stand and try to grow
Gisela S. Apr 27, 2006, 9:13am EDT
Lisa -

It is an honor and a privilege to read this. You are not only a survivor, but a hero for sharing yourself so honestly. Keep up the good work. Your words will reach others struggling with their own demons and provide inspiration.

BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! (this typed while standing & clapping!)
jessie voigts Apr 27, 2006, 10:27am EDT
lisa - wow. powerful writing. what struck me was the lengthy words that described your disabilities, and the very short words that are the meds. that is interesting, as a side-note. i am SO PROUD of your 10 months - wow! you go girl! i echo everyone here, but also sandy's comment - thank you for trusting us to go with you onthis, and not judge. no one can judge without walking in their shoes, but people judge anyway, and so freely. good luck on the next 10 months, and the next, and the next. i am proud of you!
Carol Voigts Apr 27, 2006, 10:28am EDT
Lisa--you are an amazing person. To open yourself up like this and to do it not only for the healing of yourself, but to speak for all those who are not yet at the place to be able to speak of their suffering is one of the bravest acts I've seen here. I admire you so! And i will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to touch others with this courage of yours.
Pearl 2 Apr 27, 2006, 10:46am EDT
I've been a volunteer and on the Boards of several organizations that dealt with abuse and homelessness. I've never seen a history as comprehensive as yours. What a rocky road behind you! Look ahead, the way is clear, bright and full of warm and loving hearts. Courage, Lisa. Don't hesitate to reach out. We will be here. Namaste.
Samuel G. Apr 27, 2006, 10:56am EDT
Lisa, congratulations on your freedom. It is nice that Gather provided you with a place to come to for rest, peace and friendship. You have found a powerful way to help others and heal yourself at the same time.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 11:08am EDT
I am not sure how to answer all of your incredible comments. I was sleeping when these were posted and if I were to thank everyone individually, then it would certainly become a very long run-on sentence. Just know that I am deeply grateful for every word from all of you and thank you for your kindness and loving thoughts.

Namaste
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 11:13am EDT
My Fiance thought I might be exposing myself too soon and that people wouldn't understand. However, my inner truth told me to go with it and I did and I never thought that all of you would have responded in such a warm way. It is hard to accept when others have beaten me down so much. I just have to keep holding my head high and continue walking in my truth for it shall set me free.

Namaste
Christopher C. Apr 27, 2006, 11:21am EDT
Lisa., I see all beauty. Namaste.
Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Apr 27, 2006, 11:23am EDT
Lisa, your last sentence gave me goosebumps. "Your truth" --in my opinion, there is nothing more valuable. And there are few people willing to look at their truth, much less tackle it to the ground the way you have. You are a winner, and an inspiration.
Faith H. Apr 27, 2006, 12:34pm EDT
Lisa, like a phoenix rising, your sharing with us lifts you and all of us up out of the ashes. {{{{{{Lisa}}}}}
George Corneliussen Apr 27, 2006, 12:35pm EDT
Lisa,
Don't stop fighting, and don't deny yourself the rewards of a battle well fought. Every day you make it through, pat yourself on the back and allow yourself to enjoy the victory.
Bill's Spirit Apr 27, 2006, 12:49pm EDT
Powerful stuff, Lisa.

I applaud the depth and breadth of your openess, the poetic skill in your display, your successes and your resolution to the one day at a time path. Your life is yours more and more everyday and it is shows in your writings. Blessings.
HGM Moya Goatley Apr 27, 2006, 1:44pm EDT
I admire your courage. People do understand but sometimes are fearful of exposing their own fears. When you write an article like this you write for those who are not articulate or have no voice. I wish you continued recovery. A word of commendation must also go to your fiance for his support and his caution which illustrates his care. Love to you both. Moya
Edward Nudelman Apr 27, 2006, 1:49pm EDT
Lisa, what an outpouring. You have given us all cause for jubilation as we see you strive and come to some measure of health. I will be praying that you will continue to see some light which has been for so long dim and almost lost. Thank you sincerely for giviing us this piece of yourself, something which must have been extremely diffiult to writie. We are all the better for having read it.
Dawn M Apr 27, 2006, 2:30pm EDT
Congratulations to you Lisa for 10 months of not hurting yourself. You should be proud of that accomplishment. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing so much about yourself, and your life. So often people hide behind those things afraid to open themselves up to more hurt. We all have things in our lives that we try to hide, and forget about, but often the freedom comes in opening ourselves up and sharing with others. Know that you matter, and are special to those who know you. Keep writing and sharing as you are able to. Perhaps it will also help someone else. Take care of yourself.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 2:56pm EDT
I am the voice in the wilderness. I stand high on a mountain. I sing the truth for all to hear.

Many blessings to you each and everyone of you. Everytime you comments another piece of my heart mends as do other's also. Thank you.

Namaste
Jihaan Karjeker Apr 27, 2006, 3:16pm EDT
Lisa,
My heart goes out to you for everything you've endured. I admire you more and more everyday. I commend you for breaking the cycle of self abuse. It takes a very strong person to do what you've done. Congrats! Hope the rest of your days are filled only with happiness and love.
Aileen F. Apr 27, 2006, 5:01pm EDT
Congrats! It is hell having a mental illness - not only do you suffer the illness, you suffer judgement from others. I hope you continue your progress!
Nancy S. Apr 27, 2006, 5:27pm EDT
As for your mind not "being right"... what is right?
Perhaps your mind is indeed right for you. This 10 months might show you that you are okay, And it's okay to be you.
I shall think of you, and send good karma your way.
Cynthia C. Apr 27, 2006, 5:55pm EDT
Those who overcome great odds have the potential for great Art. You have tapped into this horrific experience, looked it in the eye and are transforming yourself through your Art, your words. This poem works as sculpture and as film too. I noticed if I scrolled down fast with my cursor, the whole thing seemed to undulate, like moving pictures. Kudos to you Lisa.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 27, 2006, 7:10pm EDT
Thank you, Jihaan, I have tried very hard to break the cycle. Although I could not stop it in the case of my daughter, read "What He Did," she is so wise and beautiful and has a heart of gold. I got her into therapy as soon as I found out, but as a I wll always have a part of me that says, "You should have known," and other such recriminations. Maybe some day the memories will fade.

So true, AIleen.

Nancy, all I know is that I am not fixed yet. I had a set-back and am still recovering since 1999. Every day I do get better, but it has been an extremely slow process.

Thank you, Cynthia. I didn't realize my artistic streak was showing through. Thanks for pointing it out.

Namaste to all!
Nancy S. Apr 27, 2006, 7:20pm EDT
You may have setbacks, you may make mistakes, but you are still "okay". You are an inspiration! Look how many people are commenting on your article! They are inspired by you!
Julia T. Apr 27, 2006, 8:06pm EDT
Wow--I'm in awe. you can make it. we are proud of you!
Julia
0000-leapingheart-0000 Apr 27, 2006, 8:54pm EDT
Lisa, this is an inspiring testimony. Good for you, for sharing this with the world. You are clearly a brave and strong person.
Mary McCartt Apr 27, 2006, 9:25pm EDT
Your pain will lessen as you write about it and share it with us all. You are a survivor. Be proud of where you are. Your poetry is powerful. Keep strong.
Spiritguided Woman Apr 28, 2006, 4:26pm EDT
Thank you, Nancy. I truly hope that other's come forward to share their own stories. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Many thanks, Jullia. Proud, huh? Talk about validation! I need and I think all people need more validation and you giving me the that gift, I deeply appreciate it.

Boy, brave, strong...these are the words I always wanted to hear. I never thought I would. Thankyou, Kelsey and everyone else.

Thank you, Mary. Powerful too. I am beaming from all of your incredible comments. Let's hope and pray that more and more people will hear those same words as they come forth.

Tally ho!

Namaste
Annina Anton Apr 29, 2006, 6:11am EDT
Lisa, may you always feel a welcome spirit in this place, with the sure knowledge that there are so many of us who value your friendship and most excellent talents. By laying bare your soul, your struggles, your triumphs, your honest acceptance, you are striding into the realm of self-forgiveness and trust...of yourself, and of us as fellow writers and artists. Welcome home, sweet soul. [sending loving energies your way] BTW, ten months after thirty years? You TOTALLY rock, lady!!!
Spiritguided Woman Apr 29, 2006, 7:36am EDT
Thank you, Annina. No one has said that I "totally rock," but I have received a few "yer mom's sooooo cool." I think that counts too.

Thank you for your welcoming words. You are so caring and have such a sweet heart which means so much to me.

Many blessings to you!

Namaste
jen c. Aug 26, 2006, 8:54pm EDT
I found your article while looking for others with OCD. Writing about all your mental illnesses really gives people who are afraid to admit things some hope. Every single one you mentioned is actually in my family, luckily I only have a few. The way you wrote it as a poem, in short sperts, made it easy to follow. I find its hard for some people to stay focused reading long paragraphs. Im glad you are here.
Karoline L. Sep 19, 2009, 9:11am EDT
I think you have finally found a place and a way for your creative energies that you have had for so long...this has defined who you are and who you have become....good for you! I enjoy your honesty and perspective.

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