How do you deal with death?

I haven't planned my own funeral, but after taking care of all the details for my grandmother, mother, and father, I probably should at least write down some of the things that I'd like to incorporate in my own. Probably the most moving thing I've seen are the cards and letters that my elderly aunt still writes to her husband, 30 years after his death. She laminates them and leaves with flowers at his grave on a regular basis. Seeing that continued love and devotion always brings tears to my eyes.

* Have you planned your own funeral? What will it be like for your survivors? Did you plan the music or the money or both?

I have actually planned my own funeral and will allocate the funds for it. Although it wont be a funeral, it will be a memorial/wake. I have a couple of influencing factors:

A) My family has this tradition: we combine the memorial service and the Irish wake. I have had the unfortunate experience to have lost both parents (dad at 17, mom at 27). Most family members have been cremated per their request, so a memorial service has been a standard. And since I come from good Irish stock, we have always viewed the wake as a celebration of their life.

So in keeping with that tradition: I want to be cremated, and later cast wherever my family sees fit. I dont care where *it's not like I will have much choice, right?*, as long as I'm not kept in the urn. *ew*. There should be a big wake to be held afterward, with bag pipers... with good beer & awesome food. I expect there will be some good jokes and fond memories shared... and then for people to move on with their lives and not to linger. These ceremonies so important for those surviving the dead.
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* Is there a death ritual or custom from another society you would like to see in the U.S.?

I dont know if this counts, but I've always admired the Naval Burial at sea. Obviously this wont work for a lot of people, but it seems appropriate if you served in the Navy. I respect all cultural rituals when it comes to death.

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* What is the most moving gift or item you've seen at a grave marker?
Where a lot of my family is buried, there was another family plot next to ours that belonged to an asian family... there were always used fireworks and inscence sticks on the main headstone. I suppose I admired the difference in tradition.

"Probably the most moving thing I've seen are the cards and letters that my elderly aunt still writes to her husband, 30 years after his death. She laminates them and leaves with flowers at his grave on a regular basis." - Amy B That is absolutely remarkable, Amy. Does she have them all, or does the graveyard staff have to remove them at intervals? Know I'm also curious about what you're thinking when considering your funeral plans.

Alison, what a wonderful plan. You def. have a party - a celebration - mapped out. I'm sorry to hear you lost your parents so young. It sounds like you have strong ties to your family, and by mirroring that tradition you'll honor them.

What do you specifically admire about burial at sea? You got me wondering about it, and I checked it out on Wikipedia. (Here) Very interesting, and it has the sense of being very... elemental.

What is the most moving gift or item you've seen at a grave marker?
the range of items left, almost daily, at the vietnam veterans' memorial
and, at a grave in ireland, river stones brought from america

both about connection that lasts

Kerry, thank you for bringing up the Vietnam Veterans' Memorial. It is my understanding that items left at the Wall are picked up and put into storage by the Regional Museum/Archeological Society (or somesuch), which must have an incredible collection.

IMHO, you drilled right down to why we leave tokens. It is about making or recognizing that connection, and serves to make it last.

Julia,
For the last couple of years since my mother, a few friends and co-workers have died, I've been going home after work, pouring myself a drink and lighting 3 sticks of incense. I put them around the backyard, one by "Traveling Buddha", one by "Happy Buddha" and one in a small clay pot and raise a toast to them all.

Julia~
I appreciate the sentiment regarding my parents... but to be honest, if I had my life to do all over again, I don't think I would change a thing. It took me a long time to deal with their loss but I feel as if it was worth it because it formed me into the person I am today. Sometimes we have to go through hell to catch a glimpse at heaven, ya know?

The burial at sea thing: I suppose its the cyclical nature of it that intrigues me. It's the elemental opposite of cremation, but renders the same result... very little human intervention with nature's due course.

IMHO embalming seems so... arrogant and opportunistic. To believe that the human intellect can overcome Mother Nature is just delaying the inevitable, not to mention needlessly draining the pocketbooks of those in mourning.

That's a nice, private way to give personal recognition, Steviewest. Forgive the hippie term but it struck me as a kind of a universal nod.

Alison, you sound very strong and healthy about such loss in life, and I admire that.

I've never attended a burial at sea, but I imagine it is quite a fitting contradiction: the strict discipline and structure of the military ceremony set against the elements and the sea itself. Your points about the deeply cyclical nature of it ring right. I wonder what it is like to bury a loved one at sea and then sail in the vicinity, a sort of wild visitation.


Does anyone else associate black umbrellas with a funeral service? Not to go all "Our Town" or anything, it seems as if they're present whether they are or not.