Cheerios, I read on the side of the box, have been trusted by Moms for their kids for over 60 years. Meanwhile, I suppose, Dads have been skeptical about this wholesome cereal. Let's get them on to pizza and beer as soon as possible is our rallying cry.
Since we began planning to have a baby, my wife and I have shared this wonderful new responsibility. And part of that has involved doing a lot of reading to educate ourselves so that we can do the best we can for our little boy. Yet so much of the literature for parents is written like the Cheerios box--for Moms only. For instance, one magazine we subscribe to, Parenting, has the tagline "What really matters to moms". The majority of material I've seen is written in a voice that implies Dads aren't interested or concerned about the healthy development of our children.
While guys on Gather might not be a representative sample of the American male, it's interesting to note that the majority of posts on the parenting group have come from men. More and more men today are taking a very active interest and role in virtually all aspects of child-rearing (though much to my son's disappointment, there is still one thing I can't help him with no matter how hard he searches for a milk source on my body).
To be sure, there is still a way to go before most men and women view and practice raising children as a truly shared enterprise. I believe we would get closer toward that goal if the parenting literature started to be written in a more inclusive voice. Just as inclusive language has been an important part of the struggle for women's equality, a language that encourages Dads to play an active role in parenting can help to make that a reality.
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Comments: 27
David makes a timely and important 10-star point. A change in marketing strategy would not only acknowledge that what matters to Dad counts more than ever, but might further the evolution of paternal parenting to everyone's benefit.
On that note, one of the things that has constantly annoyed my husband and me when we have been out and about with children is the dearth of diaper changing stations in mens' public restrooms. Even when using the facilities in the nicer department stores in the large-ish city of Seattle as recently as three years ago, we'd often find that I'd be relegated to diaper duty out of necessity, not choice. (And we tried to always let the management at these establishments know how we felt, in hopes that this bathroom inadequacy would be rectified for future daddy diaper changers.)
Well guys, let's let the ladies continue to feel that way for another couple of generations. Okay? :)
With all good humor...a couple of comments..
Who taught your children, or who taught you to ride a bike? As a measure of culture, I ask people that question and almost always get ...Dad. The fact of the matter is that fathers parent a great deal without notice or acknowledgement.
Classic is when dad walks in the door and gets the kids all riled up. They start chasing around, knocking over things and getting wild. Soon the kids get too wild and someone gets hurt or starts to cry and Dad yells and the game ends with sour feelings. That is so common, but it is also so, so necessary. Moms tend to keep kids on a steady keel to manage them; Dad's tend to take kids to the limit to show them where the limits are. This is dad as disciplinarian, a precursor to later behavior. Psychologists have studied these phenomena and have some very interesting takes on a whole series of Dad-Related Parenting.
On the same note, women tend to push fathers out of the parenting role. As much as they love to say they want help, if you watch so many of them you will see subtle ways to claiming the alpha parent turf. Mom may not like dad's cooking or his choice of a meal, or she may know the only proper way of doing something because that was the way things were done in her household. Even working moms with hectic schedules are still loath to give up the role of alpha parent.
Lastly, moms may change diapers but kids grow out of diapers. If you look at statistics of the age of children who live with single dads, the numbers leap off the page. When kids reach the teens, they tend to gravitate to their fathers; girls especially. It seems that all the caring and doting that moms do for children often blows up in their faces when the kids hit puberty; at that point, dad – the disciplinarian emerges as the preferred form of parenting.
I was a child half a century ago, Diana. Sadly, I fear that women's attitude toward fathering has not matured much since then. In many ways, it has gotten worse.
By the way, I would no more characterize fathering as "babysitting" than I would characterize women's role in the workplace as "occupying space". Such negative stereotypes only serve to hurt and those who are hurt the most are kids.
http://www.slowlane.com/index.html
From the website linked above:
Don't Call Me Mr. Mom!
What Not to Say to an At-Home Dad
by Buzz McClain Oct 2000
Men who chose to stay at home to raise the children while the mothers commute to work experience things most fathers do not. Not the least of these are the insensitive comments by people who can't comprehend the concept.
It's the price at-home dads pay for being daring and non-traditional. After all, it's not everyday you encounter an at-home dad -- then again, maybe you do and just don't realize it because they look like ordinary fathers, except they have slightly more spit-up on their shoulders -- so you can't be blamed for saying the wrong thing. Well, we're here to help.
Here are a few things that make at-home fathers cringe, according to the members of the National At-Home Dads Association, who have heard it all.
1) "What are you going to do when you go back to work in the real world?" Oh, how at-home dads hate this. It implies raising children isn't real and it isn't work. It is lots of both.
2) "Wouldn't it be better for the kids if the mother stayed at home?" No offense, but no. Studies show that working mothers are more involved in their children's lives when the father stays at home than when given over to professional day care; and because of the circumstances, the fathers are far more involved with the children than the dads who see their children only briefly after work and on weekends. The kids get two parents with strong influences.
3) "What do you do with all your spare time?" No matter the ages and numbers of the kids, the statement is baloney: There is no spare time. Besides seeing to the children's feeding, clothing, bedding, amusement and education, at-home dads typically assume command of household chores, from laundry to kitchen duty to lawn care. And you can't punch a clock after eight hours and go home. You ARE home.
4) "Who wears the pants in the family?" This implies staying at home with the children makes you less masculine; true, at-home dads are likely to wash more dishes, fold more laundry and go to the tot lot more than the father who commutes, but when mom is home dads play and watch just as much sports, ogle just as many women and perform just as many testosterone-driven activities than other fathers. And they do it with more gusto because getting out of the house means more to them.
5) "Oh, so you're Mr. Mom." Don't call us Mr. Mom. The kids already have a mother. At-home fathers do not replace mothers, they simply assume duties traditionally performed by them. If you must call at-home dads something, try Mr. Dad.
6) "That's a nice Mommy Wagon you drive." Ahem. It is NOT a Mommy Wagon. It's a marvelously functional all-purpose utility vehicle that just happens to have enough room to seat more than half of the Stingers Little League soccer team.
7) "What does your wife think about you not working?" Ordinarily a fair question, but often asked to see how the woman is handling the pressure of being the primary breadwinner. Get real: The empowerment is a heady sensation, one most women don't get to experience, and she loves it. As a bonus, she goes to the office each day knowing her baby is in good hands. Real men deal with the role change just fine, thank you.
8) "How can you stand to change diapers all the time?" This is likely to be asked by the "traditional man," the kind who will overhaul a greasy auto engine but can't bring himself to wipe a baby's butt. We know of one such man who, when confronted with a messy diaper, put the baby in the bathtub until the mother came home. Diapers are easy, pal. (Plum-and-sweet potato spit-up is another thing altogether.)
9) "Do you miss the security of having a job?" Maybe at first, but who isn't disillusioned by the general lack of loyalty companies express these days? Mergers, takeovers, layoffs, forced relocations and a slavish devotion by corporations to the bottom line are enough to rattle anyone's sense of security. An at-home dad has the job of a lifetime -- you can't be fired or transferred to a lesser position.
10) "What do you mean you didn't get a chance to finish the laundry?" Most often asked by frazzled wives coming home from work. Well, honey, things got really fun at the tot lot with the playgroup and we stayed a few hours longer than we expected .
We do need to take care not to confuse the message with the messenger.
There needs to be more parenting language, for certain, and less of a slant toward Mothers. I noticed this 17 years ago when my son was born. I'm chagrined to know not much has changed.
I did most of the early childcare. My husband did not have the same patience for screaming babies as I did. BUT, he has a great and playful sense of humor. And my point is that kids get different things at different times from their parents. It isn't necessary for parents to change diapers equally, though helping with the work of parenting is VERY important. I could have used more help with the work.
Greg, it isn't that kids grow up to prefer a father's disciplinarian style over a mother's doting style. The love a mother provides to very young children stays with them. The love that children grow to need when they are teens is the recognition of the bigger world. Sometimes both parents can provide this. My kids adore my husband, but I'm still Mommy to their tiny, little baby souls inside.
yes, Yes, YES!!!
Sorry if it seemed that I was suggesting a rule but from my experiences with the Guardian Ad Litem's office there is a steady stream of kids, mostly girls, whose relationship with mom blows up in their teens......and tracking their relationships with Dad, things turn out quite well.
It is just one of those things that may not be fair or comfortable but none-the-less exist.
I went to live with my father when I was 12. My mom was not well; my father had remarried. If the mom is not well or is not working, then a relationship with a teen, especially a girl, might be difficult.
Oprah credits part of her success to living with her father. A successful person is an excellent role model.
Out of the GA:L's office, the decision is often made on who will make the best home. Any one who is ill, not functioning or otherwise absent will not cut it. This could and does refer to either parent.
In a separate point, kids do tend to gravitate to their fathers in their teens, just as they gravitate toward their mothers as infants. It's just the way humans are designed.
and to add one more facet.
Often when mom loses custody it is not that she is necessarily incapable of being a good mother. Often, it is just that things blow up.
It is not rare to see one kid move to Dad's house while the other kid(s) stay with mom.
Same with kids where there is no divorce. In later years kids often find themselves gravitating to dad. Some times, and I emphasize, some times, the kids have grown but mom has not changed her style of parenting. One comment that stands out is "she is great with babies, but treats her teens like babies".
As an aside, I did not use the term "babysitting".
I grew up in a family of 11 kids, in a neighborhood where 11 kids was not at all unusual (we had 58 kids to a class in school). We grew up at home, under a cathedral of elms on the streets and in each others homes. One of the things that we never really questioned was the ubiquitous "list of chores" on the refrigerator of every home. It was our local culture to rotate chores like meal preparation, dish washing, changing diapers, and lawn care without regard to gender, and only in regard to age in as much as capability. This was in the 50's and 60's.
When my children were born, I found that the expertise of childcare was my strong suit. This was very challenging to my wife who worked to exert herself in that role rather than defer to the expert.
Talking to other guys, I found that my experience was not unique.
Of course, most of that is in the past, my two children are grown and my role now as a grandfather to seven, (three toddlers) is that of a senior advisor.
...
Diana, I apologize for not attributing the babysitting comment to Mimi.
"The love a mother provides to very young children stays with them. The love that children grow to need when they are teens is the recognition of the bigger world. Sometimes both parents can provide this. My kids adore my husband, but I'm still Mommy to their tiny, little baby souls inside."
Why can't this be phrased as 'the love a PARENT provides to very young children"? I'm a stay at home dad to a 2 1/2 year old and I've been home with her full time since her mom went back to work at 6 weeks. She has just as strong a bond with me as with her mother. For a long while, it was always her dad she wanted when she cried. Look at the experiences of other stay at home dads and you'll see the same thing. So, not to diminish the importance of moms, but the truth is that when dad's have the opportunity to be the primary parent (and the desire) it works just as well for the kids.
So I ask, if dad isn't good enough to help raise the children, why would we think his opinion would be any more needed?
Just food for thought I guess. I know here in Michigan they view father's as nothing more than paychecks, as I am sure with other states, their courts and it's agencies. All I can say is it is a sad world for children and the family as a whole! It forces parents to stay together when they should not be and typically they do it "for the children", when it does nothing but hurt the child. All for what? So dad can actually be dad instead of the deadbeat the courts would like to turn him into! Sorry, the whole thing makes me sick and I don't even have children!