Another Issue with Friends and Plans

I have already written an article about this topic but I'm furious with a friend of mind and I need to vent.

A "good" friend of mine (you will see why the good is in quotes) is terrible at making plans.  She ALWAYS cancels last minute.

On her birthday in October, she had committed to attending my November birthday party.  I have to say, I attended the surprise party her boyfriend put together for her when I was sick.  Needless to say, she ended up not coming to my birthday party but attended a friends engagement party that was on the same night.  She committed to one thing but did another.  She redeemed herself by saying that she and I, and our other 2 girlfriends (the four of us deem ourselves PAAN) would go out and celebrate the right way after Thanksgiving.  She said she'd plan the entire thing.  She promised.  I didn't keep my hopes up but you can probably all guessed what happened.  Well...NOTHING happened, which was the problem.

In another instance, during what I assumed was a holiday break from her graduate school courses at Columbia, she and I and another friend (the P in PAAN) decided to grab milkshakes at the re-opened local luncheonette.  The place had been in town for 50 years (or more) but had closed two years ago due to financial ruin and the owners affair with the cashier.  The place finally reopened sometime in the second half of last year.  The three of us used to always get milkshakes in middle and high school at this place.  We decided for old times sake and to celebrate the reopening of the place, we would go.  I informed both of my friends that my aunt was in from Florida and staying with me that particular weekend therefore they would have to give me a couple of hours notice as to what time they wanted to meet so that I could make sure my mom would be able to entertain my aunt.  My mom was aware that she would be called for aunt-sitting duty.  They called me 20 minutes prior to the time they were going to go.  I told them that I can't do it on such short notice and I reminded them that I told them I wouldn't be able to because my aunt was in.  So...I didn't join them because my mom had made another appointment when I hadn't given her any notice of my plans.

Later that afternoon, my friend who this article is mainly about, called and said we should do brunch the following day at the local diner.  I happily accepted the invitation.  I set my alarm for 9AM to shower and get ready for our 11AM brunch plans.  When I wake up, there is a voicemail from my friend saying the following:

I'm going back to school today and the only time my dad will drive me is in the morning to avoid any city and holiday traffic.  Otherwise I have to take the train and I have all my books with me so I have to go in the morning.  We will reschedule brunch.

I was angry.  Not because I didn't undrstand where she was coming from.  I did.  And I probably would have done the same thing.  I was angry because her cancellations are FREQUENT.  If her cancellations were not as frequent as they are, I wouldn't have been as angry with her.

So we were e-mailing back and forth and at the time I was working in the city.  I had an hour commute each way and let me tell you that the Long Island Railroad is not fun!  I never went out during the week simply because the days working in the city are long and the commute takes a lot out of me.  A simple dinner after work (I got out at 6PM or so) would cause me to be exhausted the following day.  She kept suggestioning week nights after I told her I can't go out during the week.  It's too tough on my body and my brain gets far too tired.  I finally agreed and gave in to Thursday night dinner plans.  When I called to confirm, I never got a response.  When I e-mailed to confirm I never got a response.  Never heard from her. 

In a last ditch attempt to save our friendship, I attempted to schedule more plans with her and yet again she tried making plans with me for a weeknight.  I refused this time.  I wasn't giving in.  Finally, after continual back and forth, I left the ball in her court and said:

You can contact me when you are available on a Friday or Saturday night, or even Sunday during the day.  I'd be more than willing to come into the city on the weekend to go out and have a night out in the city!

I didn't hear from her and I didn't attempt contact.  Recently, I decided to plan a night out in the city with friends.  I couldn't get reservations at the restaurant I really wanted to go to but I got reservations at Da Silvano, an Italian restaurant in lower Manhattan that is hip and casual.  I invited my friend as a courtesy.

I was shocked when she responded:

Thanks so much for the invitation. That night is Alyssa's Junior Prom so I will most likely be in Great Neck for her pre-prom stuff. It's possible that I would go back to the city and be able to meet up later on but I won't know that until closer to the date. It's been a long time since we've talked and I am not even sure why it has been so long. I would love to catch up with you. I finish up all my finals and my job on May 9. I accepted a job that starts on June 2nd so I have a few weeks off. Let me know when you are available. I am pretty open except for a few days when my mom is taking me away. Hope all is well.

So I responded and we scheduled plans for June 7th.  I ended up making reservations for 15 at the restaurant I originally wanted to go to in the city that night and my friend claims she will be joining the group and she also said that we should definitely get together beforehand to talk things over.  We made plans for May 13 (yesterday) to have a local and inexpensive dinner.  Everything was confirmed the day before.  I was excited to see my friend who I hadn't seen since OCTOBER!  This is somebody who I grew up with.  Our parents were friends.  My family frequently joined them for days at thier summer house in Bridgehampton.  We attended Yom Kippur break-fast at their house.  So to not see this person for 7 months was huge since we had been so close at one time.

Well, you can all guess what happened.  Yesterday came around.  We had 6:15 plans.  At 5:30, I get a call from my friend saying she needs to cancel.  Her sister, who is a junior in high school, had an allergic reaction to shell fish earlier in the day.  They had gone to the doctor, gotten epi pens for any future incidents (which hopefully would not happen) and a bracelet stating her allergy and everything is fine now but she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her.  Once again, cancelled plans at the last minute.  And once again, it is something that I would have had the heart to understand if her cancellations were less frequent.  With her, it's ALWAYS something.  The cancelled plans last night could have been avoided by my friend suggesting that I pick up dinner and we eat at her house.  Or, by saying, "Arielle, would you mind if my sister joined us for dinner."  Of course I would not have minded.  Another note about this is that my friend lives very close to the center of town (as do I) so we were not going far for food.  She could have gone home in an emergency.  We were staying LOCAL.  Also, her sister is perfectly capable of dialing 911.  She is a junior in high school who is an extremely gifted flutist and extremely smart.  Dogs dial 911.  Pigs have saved thier owners from burning homes.  Once I even heard on the news that a cat dialed 911.  Toddlers do it.  But a junior in high school isn't capable of it in case of emergency?

Each week, I go to the gym 4 days.  One of the 4 days after work is usually Tuesday.  I try to go Monday thru Thursday so as to avoid screwing up possible Friday night plans.  Needless to say, I did not have my gym bag with me last night so not only did my friend cancel our plans, but she screwed up my gym schedule.

Some of you might say that I should have suggested doing take-out instead of her.  Or some of you might say I should have invited her sister to join us.  The reality is, I didn't want to make the effort at this point.  She cancels far too often.  There is always something with her.  I didn't want to make the effort and put that forth.  Should I tell her how much it hurts my feelings when she constantly cancels or should I just let it go?  I want to salvage our friendship but she is making it impossible.

So now I'm putting forth my energy in an article to vent and make myself feel better.  Usually a good workout and a shorter Gather article will do the trick but since I didn't have the workout, the article got somewhat long (SORRY!)!