At the end of one of the warmest Decembers on record, I’m amazed that it was only two years ago where, after five snow days in a row, it was difficult to refrain from whacking the next person who asked, “isn’t it pretty?” upside the head with my shovel. Yet, here we are, in the first winter where I’m not wistfully dreaming about a Pina Colada, palm trees, and a cabana boy named Antonio. I suppose that’s a good thing. But, when I read about the Ayles Ice Shelf — all 41 miles of it — breaking off from an island south of the North Pole, I can’t help but hope that penguins learn to fly real soon.
Now, I know that penguins live at the South Pole and Santa Claus at the North Pole. This is a good thing, as it’s ok to force reindeer to pull a fat man on a sled, but harnessing penguins to Santa’s sleigh just seems so wrong. However, whether it’s Heat Miser having a tantrum or Al Gore wasn’t kidding and he really did invent global warming, it’s something for penguins, and all of us to be worried about. And just in case you haven’t given it much thought, I’ve spent my morning reviewing all the potentially responsible parties.
Those gosh-darn Hollywood liberals. Yes, there are those who think “Happy Feet” is a left-wing plot to brainwash children into believing that global warming is actually an issue. I’ll grant them that “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” is a front to push every bleeding-heart liberal platform that exists via a series focusing on “SaturdayNight Live,” that pinnacle of network programming responsible for such cultural icons like the Church Lady, Coneheads and Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood. Two thoughts on that: SNL did give us “land sharks;” and I always knew that Matthew Perry was the best actor on “Friends.”
Verdict: While they might be loopy enough to elect The Terminator as governor, I’m not sure their wackiness extends to using global warming to put out wildfires.
James Cameron. In 1997, he gave us “Titanic.” This means it’s time for a 10-year anniversary, special collectors’ edition DVD release. What would boost sales more than an iceberg taking out a cruise ship? In addition, according to Wikipedia, Cameron’s a member of the Mars Society — “an international space advocacy non-profit organization dedicated to encouraging the exploration and settlement of Mars.” Maybe he knows something we don’t?
Verdict. Keep an eye on this one. Especially since he once proclaimed himself “King of the World.”
George Strait. Global warming could prompt a re-release and give whole new meaning to the song “Oceanfront Property in Arizona.”
Verdict: Since all his “Ex’s Live in Texas,” it’s more likely he’d do something to take out the Lone Star state first.
Al Gore. Al does manage to get involved with some of the biggest controversies of our time: the internet, whether he was the focus of “Love Story,” and global warming. But, John Edwards may have stepped on his toes a bit by listing global warming as one of his top campaign issues.
Verdict: Al got a bad rap with the internet thing; but, it’s more likely that his alter ego is Oliver Barrett IV rather than Heat Miser. Besides, with John Edwards having much better hair, he’ll likely get credit for anything Al did or said on this issue.
Dick Cheney. Not a suspect. While he might shoot his best friend in the face; clearly, global warming is not good for oil and gas companies.
The Scientific Community. Isn’t it always the poor, ignored scientists who invent global disasters only to swoop in at the last minute and rescue the world? If you haven’t noticed, there’s been a subtle campaign being waged to make scientists cool. First you had the revenge of the nerds led by Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all the other tech dudes on the geek squad. Now, you have shows like “Dexter’s Laboratory” and “Jimmy Neutron” to convince kids to grow up and be scientists.
Verdict: Maybe if we all unilaterally decide that scientists are really, really cool, they’ll band together and help stop global warming. Until then, I’m not investing in oil and gas, and I’m headed to Venice this year before it disappears. I’ve also put “An Inconvenient Truth” back on my Netflix list so that I can make other travel plans accordingly, including checking out some properties in Scottsdale and Phoenix.
Diane K. Danielson is the CEO of DowntownWomensClub.com, a blogger for www.WomensDISH.com and a Cohasset, MA resident who will have oceanfront property real soon if global warming keeps up.
*Reprinted courtesy of the Cohasset Mariner.
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Comments: 18
Very eclectic. BTW: Live in upstate New York, planning on planting a palm tree in my front yard this summer. That way my Atlantic Ocean beach front property will have amenities for the tourists from Canada when they come down for the winter. Hehehe.
I enjoyed your application of levity to a serious topic. Heatmiser, huh? Funny stuff.
I will however personally have trouble joking about climate change until
1. All Americans (not just half) admit that scientists know something about science and therefore global climate change should be considered real.
2. As a consequence of #1, we need to actually do something collectively about our addiction to fossil fuel in order to hand our great grandkids a usable planet.
But you are probably right, you catch more flies with honey. I am sometimes accused of obsession regarding this atmospheric process and it can alienate people! But I feel that my missionary zeal stems from talking with high school graduates who feel that they understand climatology better than James Hansen does. Sheesh.
1. Why do Republicans think this is a "liberal" issue. Don't they live on the same planet?
2. Why can't the auto industry make a car somewhere between the too small hybrids and the Lexus hybrid SUV (the latter is a great car, but out of most of the "socially concious" population's budget)?
3. Perhaps we should make The Lorax and The Wump World (ironically two of my favorite books as a child), mandatory reading for all school children (and Republicans?)
4. I personally think scientists are very, very cool and I'm thrilled that my son wants to be one.
The trees in Florida are starting to get real confused. Yesterday, while driving from Tampa to Orlando we couldn't help seeing fresh buds appearing on several trees. The leaves were only discarded a few weeks ago. I am wondering - is this a good thing for the trees? By the way it is 80F here and we are still in shorts. A positive thing is we don't need any more cheap clothing that are being shipped from China.
It's funny to think anybody remembers little things like hanging out at Taylor Lake and skiing down Colgate Hill.
My take on global warming is this:
Solar power has been available since the late '50's and has made it as far as to light our driveways and patios in the consumer sense, yet it has been a constant source of power for anything deemed usable for NASA. We have palm pilots, yet we still have not made use of a source of power with virtually unlimited resources!
There are actually roof systems you can have installed on the home, which will use every square foot of your home as a solar collector. Why have these not been marketed as hard as, say, gus guzzling SUV's? The oil companies are not willing to release their hold on us, so we need to start weaning ourselves off the oil truck.
Solar and wind powered sources of energy are available, and YES, the government will give you a tax break for installing these items! The power company will also credit your bill if you generate more power than you use...where's the 'down' side to this?
As a country, we have simply become complacent and have fallen to 'just getting by' on what we already have, instead of investing in a better scenario. We cut down too many trees, we lose oxygen, land shade to maintain soil moisture and erosion control...I see no laws being put into effect such as the laws they created after the "dust bowl" in the late '20's. There was a law put into effect to require that there be a certain number of trees per-square-mile to protect against another dust bowl incident. Around here, in North Carolina, they are clear-cutting trees faster than the forests are regrowing. It's changing the climate, creating longer periods of draught, and allowing the prevailing winds to blow away the topsoil which grows our food.
Political parties are of no importance here, it's the citizenship of this country that needs to get up off their seats and take the reins. If we carpooled, we cut the oil companies' profits, enjoy the reduction in highway traffic and pollution, and we reduce the number of miles our cars get driven, thus allowing us to keep them twice as long as if we didn't carpool.
Just think, if everyone got ONE person to carpool with them, it would cut gas demand in HALF, cut your fuel expense in HALF, wear on your car in HALF...and the list goes on!
Oil companies are not hurting...plastic is one of their biggest by-products. Look at how much more is being made out of plastic as opposed to metals and glass.
should I go on?
Thanks for opening the door!
I'm all for solar and wind power. It is the only thing that will get us out of this "oil issue' rut!
But there is a problem with carpooling that is not within the individual's control. With the unrealistic hours corporations expect people to work, no one is able to commit to leaving the office at a certain time, and public transportation isn't always available at all hours even in places like Boston.
On the other hand - remember that old Honda commercial about how much more room there would be on the roads if we all drove Hondas? It's shocking how dependant we are in the US on our "big SUV's." You rarely see them in Europe (perhaps $5.00/gallon for gas is a good impetus to stay small).
And on a Hamilton, NY related story - I had a friend who recently was trying to justify a Colgate student's need to have a Hummer due to the weather. I laughed and said, my Honda Civic worked just fine with a couple of sandbags in the back (and that was before global warming). C'mon, let's get realistic. Does anyone other than those poor troops in Iraq really need a Hummer? But, that's a whole different rant for a whole different day.
Hummers! What a waste of good money!
Have you noticed that those dually pickups and SUV's rarely have anyone but the driver in them? Must be nice to drive a hog just for the 'prestige'!
Worst of all, they're usually the ones cruising in the passing lane, holding up traffic! Guess they figure they 'own the road'...
I'll watch for your 'rant" ;o)
You may recall the ads for the flashlight that needs no batteries? You know, the ones you shake back and forth to charge them up?
The Navy briefly researched using the same principle, by using the waves in the ocean as a way to move the magnet thru the coil and create electricity using anchored buoys. Nothing has come from that either...maybe Nantucket should consider these 'invisible' power generators!
Congratulations on being selected Editor's pick. Justly deserved.
Banana trees are finally getting big enough to fruit (I'm in N FL) b/c we haven't had a hard freeze in two years.
Ticks and fleas are thriving as well, of course.....