For most of my life, I've kept the thought of bearing children at arm's length. It's not that I don't like kids, because I think they're great. The reasons for questioning myself are numerous -- fears of being an inadequate parent, getting over issues I had with my own parents and overall fear of responsibility of another life that is not my own. With the birth of my niece a year ago, all of this changed. For some reason the first time I held her was the first time I said "Wow, I really think I could do this." And not only did I think I might be able to swing motherhood, a part of me actually desired to one day be able to experience the joys so many of my friends are now taking part in. Maybe it's age. Maybe it's hormones. But this is monumental for me, especially in the eyes of my friends and family who were certain they would never see anything call me "mommy."
My best thinking usually happens when I'm on my drive home from work. I'm in the fray of afternoon rush hour traffic, leaving the city skyline behind me and rushing to my home in the suburbs. I generally turn my radio to a talk show and listen to the news, but lately most of my days have been spent in silence. I've way too much to think about, and not nearly enough time to squeeze it all in. Mostly I think about my future, and about the course of my life and how I'd like to see myself 5, 10, 15 years from now. As most women in their mid/late 20s will tell you, it's impossible to be childless and consider a future without somehow factoring children into the equation.
So I do. I factor them in. And I realize my main fear now is not whether or not I'll forget to feed them or if I'll be imaginative enough to keep them from being bored, or even if I'll financially be able to support them and give them the life they would deserve. My new fear is that if I will be bringing them into a world in which they will only be exposed to war and hardships.
On my drive home, amid the crowded streets of people driving to nowhere, really, I wonder if others consider the same thing or if I'm just cynical? I consider the direction of our country and our world just in my lifetime, and I cannot see any possible way for it to get anything but worse for the next generation. This is a fear much worse than all of the others. I find it so often crowds my thoughts, no matter how much I want to push it out.
I'm sure it's been like this for other generations as well. I can't imagine that mothers during any of our wars have felt optimistic when they looked at their children and pondered all they would live to see in their lifetimes. Comparatively, this war's social effects have been less apparent on the homefront than some of the others. We've been lucky in ways. Aside from the initial attack and a few episodes such as anthrax, airline scares and gas prices, here at home we've been fortunate not to experience the other true horrors of this war. However, somehow (maybe because I'm living it), this war feels like it will end differently, violently, assertively, and not in our favor. This war feels like it will never be over, and our country is such a part of it that I don't ever see us being taken out of the sights of terrorists.
When I think of my future and the future of my possible children, I wonder if it's better I stick to my original plan. It's a shame I feel this way, I know, and I've never been known to avoid doing something because I was afraid of the risk or what it might cost me. I always try to live my life to the fullest in all respects. But this time, on this issue -- somehow, it all feels different. Perhaps this is because it involves a life for which I would be responsible. I wonder if other 20-something women are having these same thoughts, or if I'm just cynical or listening to too much news? Or too much silence?
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Comments: 19
For myself, the thought of trying to raise a child in today's world is insupportable, but that has far more to do with me, my hangups, and my horrible fear that my child would be a lot like I was as a child (i.e., a total social outcast). I realize how much of this is projection when I see people whom I respect who are lovingly raising functional, responsible, beautiful people despite the dreadfulness of the world.
I think it takes a huge leap of faith to set aside our own inner agenda when we consider what it means to take on the incredible honor and lifelong responsibility of bringing another human being into the world. It's not really about us, in some ways, although of course we are intimately and inextricably involved in the process. I think it's more about what we are able to give to the child, and to the world through that child. I'm not sure that last thought made any sense, really.
I'd like to not be so worried and just leave it up to God, or to the love it brings to myself and the world. But then I think -- will the world have a chance to notice? And if not, does that just make me selfish? Thank you all for your feedback and personal accounts.
Wouldn't change a thing. Kids are the best toys ever. You can watch then endlessly, they are soft, they behave unpredictably at times, and you will find new places in your heart and soul that you didn't know existed...
For those who want children and cannot, for whatever reason, adopt the rest of the world. There are so many wonderful children already, we don't even have to make our own to love one more than life itself.
I think my conflict about whether or not to have kids is really just selfishness on my part (which, contrary to popular belief is NOT always a bad thing :-): I'm just not ready at this point in my life to take on the responsibility of another human being's well-being for the next 18+ years. I'd make a good mom--I've seen enough throughout my short 34 years on earth to know pretty much what NOT to do...and also, producing a quality human being that contributes positively to the world MATTERS to me. People who have children and take their parenting jobs seriously have my utmost respect and gratitude.
I don't think I'm as worried as you are about the state of the world and subjecting an innocent child to it by bringing him/her into existence. Different groups of people throughout history always seem to have been at odds with themselves and using cruel methods to solve their problems. Human beings have consistently proved since the dawn of mankind that, when it comes to peace and love, they often just don't quiiiiite hit the mark. So when it comes to news and getting cynical about the world, I listen to real news...and then switch over to Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show," just to keep my own cynicism at bay. If only we could laugh at ourselves more! :-)
Whatever you choose to do, I don't think you'll be wrong; you'll just be doing what you feel is best for you. You sound like you'll be a tremendously fabulous mom if you decide to take that path and, if not, you'll still be a tremendously fabulous human being. Thanks for writing this--I so enjoyed reading it!
For those who want children and cannot, for whatever reason, adopt the rest of the world. There are so many wonderful children already, we don't even have to make our own to love one more than life itself.
Well said Eric. I have a son of my own and two little girls I brought up from the ages of 3 and 5. I could not love them more if they had been my own. In fact, they ARE my own. I fed them, bathed them, clothed them, cared for them when they were sick and hugged them when they got hurt or cried or just because. I was room mom, den mom and brownie troop mom to all three. I would not have changed a thing and they are now all three adults.
And I do think about all the horrible things that could happen to him and to the world, and it chills me to the bone. Then I try to think of the good things that also could happen and I am filled with hope. Part of my job now is to work for the good things and to increase the hope.