by Casey Dennis
Member since:
August 31, 2005

Even More Gather Upgrades Coming Soon!

April 11, 2008 03:23 PM EDT (Updated: April 12, 2008 02:37 PM EDT)
views: 333 | comments: 91

I was rooting through a dumpster in Cambridge this morning looking for lunch when I accidentally stumbled on this handwritten document:  (please note, some of the writing was obscured or illegible):

Memo

To: Senior Gather Team Customer Feelings and Experience Associates & Whine Control Team

From:  (illegible)

Date: April 11, 2008

Subject:  New Upgrades 

As most of you know we pulled an all-nighter last night and got the upgrades done.  The reaction from our Gatherers has been somewhat "mixed".  BORK BORK BORK! (coffee stain)

Things have been spinning out of control, so I'm going to go ahead and authorize Wave Two of the upgrades.  Pam, write something nice for the homepage and make sure to use that picture with you and the kids.  It would be ideal if you have a picture where the kids look hungry and you really need the job. 

The working name for the new software will be "Schlock and Awe".  The accent will be on pinging, games, games about pinging, ping pong, mumblety peg and five card stud.  All serious literary content will be found on a teeny tiny tab in the lower left hand corner of the Terms Of Service page.  The tab should be in .0005 typeface, preferably in Sanskrit, and should translate to "Click Here To Download Free Virus!!"  This will leave lots more room for stuff about friends, kitty pictures, who's pinging whom and Volvo ads.

We also have an opportunity to monetize here.  Everybody's been getting a free ride and what do we get?  Nothing but complaints, the (illegible...grande latte stain...possible blood smear).  The Schlock and Awe upgrade will incorporate the new "Pay to Play" option whereby users have to give us their credit card information up front and we will charge them 5 cents for each word they publish, going forward.  Misspelled words will cost $1 each and run-on sentences will be billed at $5.  Cat pictures will be $.25; $.50 for kittens, $2.50 for a full basket of kittens.   Bad poetry will be billed at $10 per stanza with a 20% discount for haikus.  Actually, make that a 20% surcharge.  Hehe!

Once our Gatherers are running up a hefty tab that will give them more of a feeling of "ownership".  That ought to cut the whining down some.  If anyone still complains, the Schlock and Awe program will automatically forward all email complaints from my inbox to their "feed".  That will keep them occupied for a few weeks.

Thanks, loyal Senior Gather Team Customer Feelings and Experience Associates & Whine Control Team, for all your efforts.  We'll get through this, and we'll get through tomorrow's Schlock and Awe upgrade, and we'll get through the future upgrades, which we now plan to implement on a daily basis, or perhaps hourly if our code monkeys can write fast enough.  Keep up the (nova lox stain with a slight cream cheese schmear).

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Comments: 91

~*~Danyale~*~ N. Apr 11, 2008, 3:44pm EDT
r u for real or is this just a joke?
*LORA* M. Apr 11, 2008, 3:46pm EDT
?
Wilma M. Apr 11, 2008, 3:51pm EDT
Thanks for the "info". Too funny!

I really like the name of the next upgrade. Maybe I can get a job thinking of names when we go to the hourly updates.
Jennifer Hodge Apr 11, 2008, 3:52pm EDT
*shakes head* *sighs* very funny Casey. Good to see somebody has a sense of humor. I'm now going to ping you to death. Bwahahahahaa..... ;)
Jason Keaveny Apr 11, 2008, 3:55pm EDT
Casey...you rock!!
Wilma M. Apr 11, 2008, 4:00pm EDT
ACK!!! Pinging to death! Another feature of the Gather update!
J R B. Apr 11, 2008, 4:10pm EDT
I don't see the need for pings. We have an email center. I do not like that everyone reads everyone pings.
Ada D. Apr 11, 2008, 4:16pm EDT
I'd laugh, but I think you have all too uncomfortably close to the truth, even if you thought you were joking. Who needs creative writing and images when people can post great games like "Name a Word With the Letter A It" and jokes they got off the internet? Who needs a camera when you can just take an image from another site and post it for points?
Jo C. Apr 11, 2008, 4:17pm EDT
JRB - You can disable the ping function I think.
Casey Dennis Apr 11, 2008, 4:18pm EDT
Danyale and Lora, this is a spoof. Just trying to lighten the mood.

Thanks Wilma!

Jennifer and Jason, thanks for all you do around here. You're getting an awful lot of flak today...from people who don't pay a dime to come here. I appreciate what you do...this is the only place on the web where I check in daily.

JRB I think I agree. I'd turn it off but I don't know how. I need a 13 year old in this household to manage all the electronics in my life.
Casey Dennis Apr 11, 2008, 4:19pm EDT
Ada, keep the faith...good, original content will always find an audience, even if it's buried in fluff.
ann c. Apr 11, 2008, 4:23pm EDT
I'm trying to wade through the fluff right now!
Marge H. Apr 11, 2008, 4:45pm EDT
ROFL! Wilma sent me. I'm glad she did. I just hope you haven't given them any ideas.
sheila ~the hapless housewife~ j. Apr 11, 2008, 4:55pm EDT
Hahahahaha! (I'm laughing to keep from crying). Actually, I'm starting to get used to the update, and even understand it a little. *GASP* I think the update must have pinged my mind! Help me!
Donald M. Apr 11, 2008, 6:10pm EDT
Wilma sent me, this was funny and in one way a little truth to it . There is alwasy a glitch for a while, then it level out. The only thing that is missing that went away before is Wilma,s icon still hasnt came back for me.
William Dotani Apr 11, 2008, 6:17pm EDT
I enjoyed this spoof. However, I do think healthy consumption of two or more 12 packs of Guinness is good for normal people to boost the creative spirit, but it is obvious whoever set up this upgrade is more in needs of depends and more they should be kept away from anything electronic in the future. By the way, Wilma sent me here while she tended to her flying cow.
Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Apr 11, 2008, 8:18pm EDT
The article was hilarious and the first comment the icing on the schlock.
Pat S. Apr 11, 2008, 10:14pm EDT
Thanks for the laugh, on this day which will live in infamy. Sadly, it's my birthday, so I will forever associate it with this godawful upgrade. Thanks Gather.
The AntiChrist, Esq Apr 11, 2008, 11:35pm EDT
All serious literary content will be found on a teeny tiny tab in the lower left hand corner of the Terms Of Service page. The tab should be in .0005 typeface, preferably in Arabic, and should translate to "don't click on this, infidel swine!!" This will leave lots more room for stuff about friends, kitty pictures, who's pinging whom and Volvo ads.

Sadly, that pretty much sums it up.
Aniko   Apr 12, 2008, 5:59am EDT
I asked to be pinged to death first, and it's now 2:53 AM PDT, and not only am I still alive, I'm not even sleeping yet.

But good sleuthing, Casey. Did you get anything to eat too, or did you only get to stare at the lox stain? Any word on whether there will be a surcharge on satire?
''The One & Only BERF" .. Apr 12, 2008, 6:30am EDT
Casey-----

Your creative talent is being absolutely WASTED here..................

This piece was AWESOME!!!!
DIANE D. Apr 12, 2008, 6:51am EDT
Thanks so much for the early morning laughs!
Steph-in-NE ..... Apr 12, 2008, 7:56am EDT
way too funny I still so confuseddd yet this make it easier to deal with
Katherine M. Apr 12, 2008, 7:57am EDT
Berf thank you for sending me here! This was my morning laugh. I have yet to figure out how to post yet...but when I do I will send in my bits of fluff! I have to say I enjoy all the "literary" works I have been reading of late ... now if I could only find it! I don't like the who pinged who or this person has connected with or commented on on this person's article or picture. I liked it better when that came in my e-mail! And before if I subscribed to someone but didn't connect with them I still got to read their stuff but now if you aren't connected you don't see it. Oh well, I hope they get some of this stuff cleared out and set up where this site is user friendly again! ... LOL thanks for the laugh Casey!
Skip Bleecker Apr 12, 2008, 8:14am EDT
This would be funnier if I didn't think that some of it might happen.
Shirley U Understand Me S. Apr 12, 2008, 8:29am EDT
Berf sent me here....thanks to him....thanks to you for writing and posting......but I agree with Skip.......especially the pay part....isn't money always the bottom line?
sharon SugarMomma is a wise woman, Apr 12, 2008, 8:30am EDT
Very astute and sad isn't it?
Donald Hensley Apr 12, 2008, 8:30am EDT
Very Humorous; glad I ran across this.
Bill Allin Apr 12, 2008, 8:36am EDT
This is a spoof? Some of it is already happening, only in a difference guise. Some of it should happen, but Gather would lose a large portion of its membership if those people had to think more than one sentence (or exclamation, or expletive) at a time. Or if they had to pay for the disk space they waste on the servers.

Nice work Casey.
Tanya S. Apr 12, 2008, 9:07am EDT
lol that was freakin hilarious.. BERF sent me here.. that was a great laugh.. =)
Sharon C. Apr 12, 2008, 9:12am EDT
I hate this last upgrades. I don't want to see everyones comments on everyones articles, I don't want to see everyones business
Susan E. Apr 12, 2008, 9:20am EDT
Hilarious!!!
Great job Casey.
Kay M. Apr 12, 2008, 9:52am EDT
Casey, I don't know what all this fuss is about. I just come here to look for cute boys, complain about my curfew, look for pics of Hannah Montana and find out what everyone is wearing to the prom. :-)
Eloc Snave Apr 12, 2008, 10:10am EDT
I don't actually see whats so funny...
Ylanne Sorrows Apr 12, 2008, 10:12am EDT
I think the whole thing is rather funny and all of it deserves a 10 EXCEPT for the comment concerning Arabic. I think that one could be interpreted as a slur on Arabic speaking people and/or Muslims. That one was NOT okay. The rest of it was hilarious. Use a different language that doesn't have that sort of negative connotation.
Ylanne Sorrows Apr 12, 2008, 10:14am EDT
I might suggest "in .00005 font, preferably in Ancient Chinese Pictograms/Egyptian hieroglyphs that translate to 'Cursed be ye who clicketh here'"

That way, by using a script no longer in use, you'll be sure to avoid unintentional insult.
Marilyn M. Apr 12, 2008, 10:17am EDT
Excellent, Casey. Berf sent me too. This is funny and sad, because so much of it is true. I sure wish I had taken screen shots of how MyGather used to appear. I would have loved sending the before and after to my cousin - who co-authored a textbook about "human factors." I'm certain that he would be shaking his head...at the fact that something that used to take one click of the mouse now takes 4 or 5.
Marilyn M. Apr 12, 2008, 10:20am EDT
In one downgrade, Gather transported me back to junior high - where it's important to know who made friends with whom and who pinged whom and who picked her nose and who watched her pick her nose.
Casey Dennis Apr 12, 2008, 10:39am EDT
I'm just getting going after a late night of playing music..thanks all for the comments!

Sandy, LOL and FYI, I M 4 real.

Aniko, I found 2 bagels but they were sun dried tomato and pesto, not my bag. I'm going to go over and look behind MacDonald's.

Thank you Ann, Marge, Sheila, Donald, William, Pat, Antichrist, Kate, BERF, Diane, Char, Steph, Heather, Katherine, Skip...(INHALE)....Shirley, Sharon, Donald, Bill, Michelle, Tanya, Sharon, Susan, Kay, Eloc and Marilyn!

Ylanne, you're right on. I should have used "Sanskrit" or something. Muslims and Arabs get bashed way too much, for the actions of a few. I think I'm going to just leave it though, so your comment isn't "orphaned". The comments on Gather often tell a lot. Thanks again for the editing advice.

Casey
Fern Cohen Apr 12, 2008, 10:49am EDT
I'm all for weeding out the bad grammar and spelling....sometimes I wonder about what passes for writing on gather..it's like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard.......eg....."I stole they're books", "I agree; I think that is crazy two!!" best thing is I look on the profiles and these "authors" are from the USA!!!!!........ughhhhhh
Erin Aceinae Apr 12, 2008, 10:59am EDT
Well-written, I laughed in that sort of bitter way you do when something horrible is happening and someone points out how much worse it could be and you can see that happening too.
Karen W. Apr 12, 2008, 11:04am EDT
BERF sent me too! Too much, and Casey don't let them see your article or you may have to pay for telling them what they don't want to hear.....hmmmm just a thought. LOL
Jerri H. Apr 12, 2008, 11:53am EDT
*giggle* Too funny~
M. Bradley McCauley McCauley Apr 12, 2008, 11:57am EDT
We shall overcome, we've done it before and it's so good of you to take the light side. We all needed that.
Elaine A. Apr 12, 2008, 12:04pm EDT
this is funny ;-)
Renee (Pres of Baby James Foundation) ~. Apr 12, 2008, 12:34pm EDT
BERF sent me and I am so glad he did this is so funny , I needed a laugh.
Cyndi B. Apr 12, 2008, 1:04pm EDT
LOL :)
Ann S. Apr 12, 2008, 1:23pm EDT
BERF was right, this is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh Casey and thanks for sending me here BERF. :)
Lisa (I love loons) C. Apr 12, 2008, 1:56pm EDT
HILARIOUS!!!! You are so funny!!!
Judith f. Apr 12, 2008, 2:01pm EDT
I like the new changes it's easier for me.
Casey Dennis Apr 12, 2008, 2:41pm EDT
Ylanne, I decided to take your suggestion and edit. I don't know why I was dragging my feet. Hey, this is the internet, not Simon and Schuster!

I really like good advice like yours and hope you will read my future writing.

Thanks Fern, Rachel, Erin, Karen, Jerri, Mary, Elaine, Renee, Cindi, Ann, Lisa, Judith and ...Ramona, you have a lot of company!
Cheryl B. Apr 12, 2008, 3:12pm EDT
Hello Casey. Is this for real? If so, perhaps IT WILL cut down on some of the complaining that goes on in here. LOL After all, this is a FREE SITE. :) I guess what this message would be telling us is, more of us should probably be more thankful and just deal with all of the adjustments... BTW- I do like many of the changes in here. As they allow me to get around with a lot less hassle and in less time.
Roxanne H. Apr 12, 2008, 4:27pm EDT
I love your spoof, this was great! I feel so lost out here now. I wish they would get rid of the ping thing too! What's the point? Very creative writing!
Georgiana S. Apr 12, 2008, 4:31pm EDT
I personally dislike pings and IM's. If I wasnted to be tied to a conversation I'd use the phone!
thanks for your humour!
Kathryn E. Apr 12, 2008, 4:44pm EDT
Personally, Five Card Stud would be an improvement. But I really disagree about charging for cat and kitten pix. Dog pix FINE. Between my laughing here and the lady outside laughing in the rain, I don't know who is laughing harder.
Deloris Wright Apr 12, 2008, 5:33pm EDT
i do not like the new change, but then I'm new here so what do I know
Sharon P. Apr 12, 2008, 6:08pm EDT
It's funny.
Dorothy H. Apr 12, 2008, 7:59pm EDT
Berf sent me here, too, and he's right. Really good, hilarious article!
10!!!
Patti M. Apr 12, 2008, 8:47pm EDT
Casey, Berf sent me and I am so glad he did. You did an amazing job. Thank you for your article.
Lawrence U. Apr 12, 2008, 8:50pm EDT
:)))))))))))) Very funny - Big giggles :)))))))))))
lena lemieux Apr 12, 2008, 8:53pm EDT
now what will i do with all my cat pictures.
Heather H. Apr 12, 2008, 11:39pm EDT
that is the funniest thing I have read all day- thanks
Angel W. Apr 13, 2008, 12:34am EDT
Thanks BERF... this is too funny.... to bad I never actually figured out pings.... lol

Angel
Casey Dennis Apr 13, 2008, 1:21am EDT
Thanks Cheryl, Roxanne and Georgiana!

Kathryn, you live in an interesting neighborhood!

Thank you Deloris, Sharon, Patti, Lawrence, Dorothy, Lena, Heather and Angel. I'm glad to have made a few people laugh.
Regina L. Apr 13, 2008, 5:43am EDT
Great article Casey ... lol ... reading the comments here was as much fun as the article :)
Berf directed me here and I'm glad I got to read this. Thanks for the laugh.
Deb J. Apr 13, 2008, 11:56am EDT
Will it be okay everyone if I just pull all my hair out!! :o) You are too funny Wilma! Good morning everyone....if you can find anything good about it.....Sorry, that was sarcastic..
CC Miranda the artrat (or am i?) Apr 13, 2008, 2:02pm EDT
sadly i think none of us would be surprised at all if this did happen.
Ava's Mom (formerly known as Robiyah) Apr 13, 2008, 2:22pm EDT
Well written and hilarious. Hard to come by these days.

And I'm with CC. I wouldn't be surprised at all.
Bethany C. Apr 13, 2008, 7:42pm EDT
Loved this article! Berf sent me here and I'm glad she did.
Casey Dennis Apr 14, 2008, 9:07am EDT
Thanks Regina, Renda, Deb, Miranda, Robiya and Bethany!

Regina I so agree, the comments are as good as the articles, and sometimes better!
Michelle M. Apr 14, 2008, 5:15pm EDT
Great humor!
simon g. Apr 14, 2008, 5:37pm EDT
This is great Casey, you are a master. The sharpest sword is a sarcastic pen (or keyboard or whatever).
Jan S. Apr 15, 2008, 4:24am EDT
What a hoot! Thanks for the laughs, Casey!
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
brouhahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
brouhaha'shahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patricia J. Apr 15, 2008, 6:03am EDT
Very funny Casey. I'm almost afraid to sign off in case they do something else to the site.
June B. Apr 15, 2008, 11:05am EDT
This is hilarious Casey but let's not give Gather any ideas. LOL.
John Philipp Apr 15, 2008, 1:01pm EDT
This was great and timely, Casey.

Even though it was published earlier, I took the liberty of including a link to your article in Gather Writing Essentials: Humor Monday Update 4/14
Kimberly Ripley Apr 16, 2008, 3:04pm EDT
Do we need to take up a collection? I hate the thought of you eating your lunch from the dumpster!!
Casey Dennis Apr 16, 2008, 3:16pm EDT
Thank you Michelle, Simon, Jan, Randee, Patricia, June and John P.!

Kimberly, I had 'lunch' at Taco Bell today and I think I should go back to the dumpster idea.
Jo C. Apr 17, 2008, 8:44pm EDT
Had to leave you a comment (from former raccoon here)
Jo C. Apr 17, 2008, 8:44pm EDT
And, of course, I envy your sense of humor :)
Sue * Apr 17, 2008, 8:51pm EDT
Oh wow, I needed this today!
Free cat pix for all!

Here's a starter:

Photobucket
Casey Dennis Apr 18, 2008, 9:08am EDT
Thanks Jo and Sue!

Nippy...don't worry, I'll front you the money for as many kitty pics as you like. Up to $5 then you're shut off.
Synchronicity W. Apr 18, 2008, 5:48pm EDT
Bravo...I needed the laugh today...kudos to you my friend for your wonderful sense of humor!
Rhoda S. Apr 19, 2008, 7:19pm EDT
You are right! It is a good laugh!
Jessica I. Apr 25, 2008, 2:35pm EDT
lol...thanks for the laugh (almost choked on my dr. pepper)
Esther IS Flesh and Blood S. Apr 27, 2008, 9:53am EDT
very funny!!
Sophiya S. Apr 28, 2008, 12:20am EDT
lol
necee t. May 20, 2008, 6:31pm EDT
oh boy, i wonder what will happen tonite at 11 pm.... oooooo good luck...

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