Wedded Lunacy

            He was as straight-laced as they come, ties, polished shoes, slicked-back hair.  She was flip-flops, jeans so tight they gave her hair body, and a tattoo on her behind she wasn't ashamed to flaunt.  Their meeting was a fluke, but why they stayed together is a mystery only God can fathom.

            Ted left the office that afternoon to pick up some lunch at the deli two blocks away.  Since his car was almost out of gas, he decided to walk.  Besides, those crazy global-warming naysayers were always accusing Republicans of not walking anywhere.  He'd just prove them wrong.  He could save the ozone too, if he felt like it.  No one could accuse him of not loving the sea-faring mammals or whatever their newest cause was.  He loved fish as much as the next guy.

            The deli was brimming with customers, a line already formed along the counter and nearly to the door.  He took his place and gazed up at the menu, ignoring those around him.  After choosing, he relaxed and let the low hum of conversation, shuffling feet, and outside traffic wash over his mind like an ocean wave. 

The familiar sounds cleared his thoughts, but didn't block out the tattooed butt of the woman in front of him.  She wore jeans so low and tight he thought she might have been melted first and poured in.  One of those mammals he was saving by walking to the deli, peeked out of the band of her jeans, more out than in, a dolphin with a happy fin. 

She dug in her front pocket as she neared the counter, pushing those jeans down further still, giving Ted a bicameral view.  Ted couldn't tear his eyes away until he realized it was his turn to order.

"Can I help you, sir?" the man behind the counter asked.  He stood waiting impatiently as Ted slowly shifted his gaze to the menu.

"I'd like a dolphin sandwich please."

            The deli was always crowded this time of day.  Carly dug in her pocket for exact change.  She always got the same thing, the vege deluxe stacker, and knew it would be $4.32 with tax.

            The crowd ebbed and flowed and she thought she felt the hot breath of the guy behind her on her neck.  After giving her order, she moved ahead in line and glanced back, but the guy was staring blankly at the menu as though the only thing on his mind was lunch. 

He seemed a little dorky in black slacks and a crisp white dress shirt.  The top button was open but he still wore a tie, only slightly loosened as though afraid if he loosened up too much he wouldn't be able to return to nerddom.

            She took her basket of food and searched the room for an open table.  She didn't want to return to work until she absolutely had to.  Two men moved away from a table near the window and she headed over.

            The geek in the striped tie reached the table at the exact same time.  They both stood like statues waiting for the other to disappear.  Finally, Carly pulled out a chair and sat down, waving the man to join her.

            "Be my guest.  There's nowhere else to sit."

            Ted set his platter down and took the seat offered.  He nervously tugged at the knot of his tie, suddenly feeling short of breath.  "Thanks."

            She smiled and picked up her sandwich.  "I see you like tuna," she said.  "Did you know that dolphins are often caught in the tuna nets and killed in the process?"

            Ted swallowed and cleared his throat.  "The deli guy said this tuna is dolphin free."

            She raised her brows, pleasantly surprised.  Most men like him drove big SUVs that destroyed the ozone and were all for cutting down the rainforest to build vacation homes.  They certainly wouldn't care whether a dolphin was murdered in order to feed them a sandwich.  She smiled, wondering what other sides this man had hidden beneath his stiff persona and boring clothes.

            Ted never told Carly the truth about that day, but he did get a date with her, and another.  Carly learned to see past the uptight businessman to the warm-hearted nerd within, and found that his warm heart could kindle her fire very quickly.  Years later, after discovering so many differences of opinion it was like George Bush married to Hilary Clinton, they argued more than they agreed, but found that making up was worth all the fights.

On their tenth anniversary Ted and Carly joined the protestors lining the street.  Ted smiled lovingly at Carly, her belly stretched with eight months of baby growing inside, and wondered how in the world she got him to hold a sign in a peace rally. 

Carly turned around and peered over her shoulder at him, her gaze earnest as she asked, "Is my butt getting big?"