Life Imitates Art - Night's Revenge 2 - Mommy Martial Law Declared

Just when I thought it was safe to segue to next week's Two Word Challenge – two of my family men decided to re-open the topic by making VERY BAD CHOICES last night.

Now, I should preface this with a disclaimer of sorts. As a rule, I do not wave the magic retaliation wand often in our home. There are certain criteria that must be met if the all-powerful MOMMY PAYBACK is utilized:

1. The aggressors must have acted with malice aforethought. (In other words, they thought about what they did, knew it was wrong, but decided - what the heck, I can get away with it - and did it anyway.)
2. They endangered themselves, or others around them with their careless actions
3. They broke a Federal, State or local law

In this case, Perpetrator #1 and Perp #2 erred in the extreme by violating not one, or two - BUT ALL THREE of the above. As a result this house is now under Mommy Martial Law. All Democratic Proceedings and Civil Rights have been waived in order to restore order - and of course to protect Perp #1 and #2 from themselves and any angry mobs that might greet them should they wander into the kitchen unprotected.

Perp #1 has committed the intolerable act of staying out until 4:00 AM "recording a demo with the band," while simultaneously failing to telephone his worried mother when the original ETA was 10:00 PM. Adding severity to the matter, was his breaking the City of Chandler's under 16 youth curfew - also set at 10:00 PM, and failing to answer his cell phone when said mother attempted to locate him at 12:00 AM, 1:00 AM and each subsequent hour thereafter.

His punishment, when he finally wakes up – brussels sprouts for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 48 hours. Confiscation of his cell phone, clipping of his guitar strings, and the posting of a full frontal naked infant picture on his MYSPACE (yes, I know his password, and have used it.) The cat, perhaps upset by my manic pacing in the livingroom during the wee hours of the morning, has created a "mudpie masterpiece" in his litter box. That has been carefully placed in his room, where the accompanying aroma should completely permeate all articles of clothing owned by Perp #1 by the time he regains consciousness. I plan to wake him with the dulcet tones of a chainsaw at 2:00 AM tomorrow – so that he can know the terror I felt earlier today.

But, wait until you hear what Perp #2 has earned.

He, in his infinite wisdom, chose to attend a company dinner without letting his wife know that he would be missing the lovingly prepared shrimp scampi he had specially requested earlier yesterday morning. Not only did he fail in his duty to telephone advising he would be missing this gastronomic delight – he conveniently left his mobile in the car, quite out of earshot even when set at the highest ring tone.

There's more.

Perp #2 went on to drink mass quantities of Chianti with his Italian dinner – and it was CHEAP HOUSE CHIANTI folks, not even the good stuff. Perp #2 languished at the table with his employees until 11:30 PM, and then – and this is the most despicable of all – DROVE HOME.

There was an unsuccessful attempt to open the front door with keys (it was unlocked and well lit) followed by the stumbling entrance of said Perp #2 through the garage right around the witching hour.

Hell hath no fury …..

His punishment? No shouting of tirades or reminders that he had long ago left the irresponsible frat boy ranks….A simple phrase was issued. "This is a deal breaker. Do it again and you know what happens."

The cheap Chianti took care of the rest. Perp #2 lay prostrate on the bathroom floor between eruptions from 1:00 AM until 4:00 AM. Not wishing to break any codes from the Geneva Convention, I grudgingly supplied a tepid bottle of water to ward off dehydration. He crawled into bed after the arrival of Perp #1, and immediately lost consciousness.

At 5:30 AM, the alarm went off. I rolled over and ignored the snooze button. In calmly delivered tones, I reminded him that no matter how bad he felt, he needed to show up ON TIME at the office today. He had made the mistake of getting looped in front of his underlings, and they would never let him forget it if he was so much as a minute late today.

I went back to sleep – without starting a pot of coffee.

You may think me harsh, but I love these two men more dearly than life itself. If I were to lose them it would do me in entirely. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured, killed or arrested last night. But it's my sworn duty as matriarch to ensure that similar situations in the future do not come to pass.

So, it is with love that Mommy Martial Law has been declared, and Thursday Night's Revenge set into motion.

Perp #1 is still sleeping….I wonder where the chain saw is….