I witnessed this. Scene: grocery store~ Mother tells small son to go get the cereal. He returns, and his mother in a disapproving voice says, "That is the wrong cereal. You are just like your father. You can't do anything right!" Boy thinks, " I can't do anything right. Mommy told me so." ( A self-fulfilling prophecy is set up with the boy's low self esteem.) Instead the mother says, "Oops, that is not our cereal. Remember it has the tiger on the box. Do you want to try again, or do you want Mommy to help you?" (The boy has saved face and is not a failure.)
Repeatedly seen in newspaper: 'Nineteen year old father shakes baby until it dies." "Twenty-three year old mother beats child to stop its crying, rupturing the child's spleen." "The cause of the fire was a child playing with a cigarette lighter while the mother dashed to the grocery store for milk. She was gone twenty minutes."
I am a retired teacher, and I saw many changes during my long career. The outstanding change is in parenting . Parents simply do not know how to parent. Also, both parents are so involved in earning enough to house and feed their families that they do not take the time to talk with, supervise, and be with their children. The children are mostly alone except for their friends and get their values from people their own age.
Almost every student who has problems has experienced poor parenting. A huge failure of many parents is to teach a child the importance of education. The perfect class for me would consist of all Asian Pacific students. Why? Their parents have instilled in them the importance of education for success. The students do their homework and listen to their teachers. Expressed crudely, they sit down, shut up, listen, and do their work!" They succeed.
Is there a solution?
My strong opinion is that students be required to take a one-semester course in proper parenting.
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Comments: 32
A proper parenting course would be excellent. It might even cut down on the number of teenage girls having babies. I doubt seriously that schools would implement such a program, their focus seems to be on sports and test scores.
I couldn't agree with you more~
Words are extremely powerful and it takes a LOT for a child to overcome negative parenting~
Abuse of children is horrifyingly prevalent in this day and age of frustrations, uncertainties about tomorrows~
Children who have no clue how to parent are having children~
A MANDATORY course in HS if not MIDDLE SCHOOL on positive parenting techniques is an excellent and needed idea that may curtail the abuse of future generations~
Mandatory is the only way it would make a difference.
Exactly!~
I agree. As my kids got older and expanded their circles, many of their crew wanted to just stay and live with us. I was the meanest mother of the bunch. I was always watching, questioning and yelling. But, we never said shut up to each other, everyone's thought are valuable. Stupid was never used in reference to people. We called each other geniuses.
Positive reinforcement works with every age of child. It is a parents job to see that their children succeed and are happy and well adjusted.
If you don't do that for your child, you've failed.
Educators have finally learned that positive reinforcement works. Negative reinforcement fails and damages.
Rearing children is much like raising a puppy. Positive reinforcement makes a good dog. Negative creates a frightened, surly one. Elaborate praise, and minimal "punishment"!
We must praise our children every time we can. A simple example: "I am plesed that you remembered to take out the trash." The child needs praise and will more likely remember to take out the trash.
No matter what the child says, she/he wants and needs parents' approval.
I don't think a parenting class would help until AFTER you have kids. My reasoning for this is because my hubby and I did lots of "marriage" classes BEFORE we were married, but heck if any of it really helped because we had no idea what marriage would be like. I go back and look at those notes from time to time and laugh at what I THOUGHT was important and needed to be written down! The things we stuggle with most aren't even written in my notes anywhere!
Same with parenting. I used to think, "when I am a mom I will never____" Well, guess what, parenting is the hardest job I have ever done and it has nearly (at times) drove me to insanity --- and my oldest is only five.
I think good parenting starts with a "lifetime of learning" mindset. It starts with being TEACHABLE in all areas of life. You can't just look at how your parents did things and think, "well, it worked for them, works for me." I know so many people who THINK they are good at marriage, but their partner is miserable, or think they are great parents, but just looking at their kids' attitudes would tell you different. People are in denial about getting help --- because real help is actually out there.
I wish I had a solution that would be helpful for everyone, but honestly everyone's background and upbringing are so different that you can't all start out on the same ground. I think a mandatory parenting class would have to be SO basic simply because the people that need it the most are those who practically raised themselves. It would be very hard to truly help people at so many different "starting out" levels and would end up just being a "joke".
Anyway... we should all strive to be the best at what we do, the best wife, the best husband, the best parent, the best _____... unfortunately it has to be "mandated" before most of will realize we could use some "learnin'" in those areas!
I actually think that revised and INTENSE parenting skills could only benefit our young ones, especially THE ONES WHO ARE BEING IMPROPERLY PARENTED themselves~this would give them the perspective needed that how mommy and daddy handle situations are not always the best for the child~
Having come from a single parent home where words were weapons to keep me in my place~quiet and humbled~I fortunately had friends who came from properly parented home environments which allowed me the persepective and understanding TO NEVER PARENT AS MY MOTHJER DID~NOT EVER~
Being exposed to appropriate parenting techniques gave me the positive tools of parenting my own children~
MANDATORY is a must as most young ones are so lost in their own self centered worlds BECAUSE of lack of positive~interactive parenting that few if any would take it voluntarily~
Heidi, might not the classes prevent some major mistakes, such as the shaken baby syndrome?
Wow, I can see the validity of both Heidi and Selene. Parenting classes in high school will only affect those kids who are interested. Otherwise, mandatory classes would be the same as any other mandatory high school class. The kids who don't care will continue to not care and do minimum work. And I doubt they would seriously retain any of the information or even care to. You can probably have the classes, but there will still be similar problems. Plus there are the kids who will sit there with the "they're not talking about me" expression.
On the other hand, my upbringing was somewhat similar to what Selene mentions. I had both parents, but dad was extremely quiet, rarely said a word, mom was the bull in a china shop. Words were weapons to keep me in my place, keep me down, keep me controlled. I was not to raise my voice at all, never to tell either of them they were wrong, no discussion, no conversations, I was to be quiet and stay quiet, no matter what.
It was seeing the parents of others that told me this wasn't normal. I remember the first time being with my best friend's family at their kitchen table. This crazy Italian family were sitting around yelling at each other in a lively discussion!!!! And not only that but they were smiling!!! If I even thought to talk like that I would be slapped across the face.
My drive was also to never parent as my parents did.
Maybe have the mandatory class in school, but also have insurance companies and hospitals include education along with first visits and care. OB/GYNs could have that DVD player going in the waiting room, as can the hospitals. Realizing that not all can afford insurance, the mandatory high school class would be a start, and the others would be reinforcement.
I had an additional thought on this subject. A mandatory class in high school would be an implication that all kids would become parents. Not everyone wants to be a parent, not everyone can physically/biologically be a parent and may choose not to become one. I can see potential here for problems, especially societal stress placed on those who don't want kids.
I guess I am just coming from a totally different place on this. I was not married until age 30, didn't start a family until 32. There is no way any high school parenting class would have taught me much that I would have retained for the next 16 or more years before becoming a parent.
I agree that everyone needs parenting classes (even those that think they do everything "right!") We can all learn something.
To answer your question Leo, I don't actually think high school classes will prevent "shaken baby syndrome" because I think people that are capable of doing those types of things need much more than a class on parenting. They need counseling and self-discovery and spiritual healing more than they need parenting class.
I have dealt with postpartum depression after the birth of each of my children (which usually lasts until the next pregnancy begins. The pregnancy hormones seem to counteract the postpartum lack thereof..) Anyway, all that to say, at times I have been a terrible parent. No, I haven't abused my kids physically, but man can I yell sometimes. The stress of having 3 small kids and to deal with depression has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I could use a parenting class or two as far as learning how to "manage" my children without yelling at them... but by far the thing that has helped me the most is counseling and being able to TALK about what is going on inside of me. I know my case is different from what a lot of people go through, but I guess I look at people from the "they were wounded as a child by bad parents" scenario and I believe they need inner healing, spiritual guidance much more than anything else.
I have great parents. For the life of me I will never understand how my mom got to be so incredibly patient. She never once raised her voice at me, never hit me out of anger, never fought with my father in my presence, and served us with undying devotion. I honestly don't know if there is a parenting class or curriculum in the world that can teach that.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is I am not convinced that "book learning" about parenting will do much for people until they are also experiencing the challenges that parents go through. I started babysitting when I was 12 years old. I took care of other people's kids all the time through my late 20's. I thought I was a "pro" when it came to kids... then I had my own. WOW... bringing home a baby and the ensuing 6 years has rocked my world (in great ways and in not so great ways!)
Okay... I am babbling... and once again haven't really offered any solutions. Parenting is a "hot topic" for me becuase I am smack dab in the middle of the hardest job I have ever had and the self-doubt that comes with being a mom is almost crushing at times! I can only hope my kids look at me with the love I look at my own mom with --- someday!
I believe a proper parenting class would be a great thing to have for students
Leo: Excellent article. Can you imagine what the NEXT generation of children will be like? There has to be a bottom somewhere. I don't mean a bottom to be spanked, I mean a bottom to the downward spiral. The solution is not parenting classed for HS students. The problem is a spiritual one.
I do agree that we need to address things on a different level other than just "head" knowledge. Like for instance if someone has a lot of rage, you can't just tell them not to beat their children. You have to get to the bottom of why they rage, what is going on on the inside of that person --- spiritually, emotionally, psychologically...
Sure learning some "strategies" to help us parents along the way might be helpful, but I have found as a parent when I am struggling with my job as a parent it is because something inside of me needs to be corrected or fixed or set straight. So, great point Thomas!
Many parents fail, yes. Since the nature of the family changed, our norms have not kept pace with that transition so the grandmother is not there to pass on parenting skills.
The schools are also quite dysfunctional since they are using the prison / factory model which works against education and learning. (Boredom is bad for the brain and the mind. Stress reduces learning.)
Hmmmm..I often see others think they know whats up and don't. I would agree that there are dumb ass parents, but judging a parent by learning disability of a child...I disagree with.
A learning disability, such as dyslexia, is not the fault of the parents. Of course, we can't judge or blame parents for a child with innate developmental problems.
Oh, but it happens. More frequently than I care to remember.
As I am neither a parent nor a teacher I'm staying out of this one! ☺
I, personally, do Not think it is the difference of parenting. I grew up in a very abusive household with a single mother who worked 10 hours a day, but still use her fists and feet for a few hours after dinner. But back then, it was kept quiet. Children were told not to tell, and abuse was kept quiet, a skeleton in the closet. It wasn't until the 80's that children were finally able to speak up about abuse and the media jumped in about it.
I remember growing up a friend of mine had a baby sister, two months later it had died. She told us in a whisper that it died because daddy got mad and tossed it into the crib. It was all hush hush and never brought out. This was the same girl, who like me, would go to school with fat lips, black eyes and bruises...that nobody saw.
Nellie, you are safe and free now.
Parenting classes may be able to give parents more constructive tools, to deal with those frustrating times; when they're just about to blow- that would help to curtail child abuse. The first example you offered, I don't know how anyone could think that was something to tell a kid
Possibly, but telling someone to "count to 10" when they are pissed off or whatever only works temporarily. I think we need to get to the heart of the matter in that particular person and what is causing them to lose their temper in the first place. You can't just treat the symptoms with a "coping mechanism"... you have to get to the root of the problem --- way down deep inside... and most people aren't willing to "go there."
Leo, it is a wonderful idea, as poor parenting is rampant. With all the classes being cut from the school curriculum, the suggestion is really moot... meanwhile, parents are expecting the school system to parent their kids... they aren't involved in their kids' lives at all.
I was lucky to have a good parent - my Mom, who raised us kids by herself. I don't know where she learned, because she was raised in an orphanage. I guess she used the "I know what NOT to do" approach...
I agree with you my friend and there is a solution. Public education is a privilege not a right. I have in fact written about the solution. More and more is required of teachers while little is required of school administrators and even less is required of parents. If "No Child" is to ever work then parents must be required to take parenting classes taught by social workers, school admistrators and teachers. When I was going to college my wife and I were involved with a grant. As part of the support we got we werre required to take classes twice monthly. We were given a meal and had a chance to socialize with other parents before and after the 90 minute class. Any parent that did not pariticpate had to give support back and were no longer part of the program. Parents of students in public education should have to take classes on parenting all through K-12. IOf they do not come then should be required to pay at least part of the cost of educating their children. I have been an educator for 13 years and have taken a great many classes on children and about children. No classes were more useful than the parenting classes I took.
I'm definitely a believer in nature, not nurture. Your example of the kids who love school, for me, is just another reason I believ in nature above nurture. I was raised in a family that definitely taught me education was not valuable. As a matter of fact, when I was 13, I found a teacher who got me the reading list for 1st year med students. I spent the summer doing that reading while my mom constantly told me to get outside and play and "What man is going to want you when you constantly have your nose in books." I'm the first person in my family, as far back as I know, that graduated high school and college (although, I detoured to marriage, trying to win my family's approval, before I made it back to college). On the other hand, I have a friend whose family stressed education first and his son didn't even finish high school. His daughter did, and got a scholarship to college, but only used half of it. My life experience tells me that each kid is an individual and it takes a whole community, not just a dandy set of parents, to make sure each child reaches his potential, but that potential is not the same for every child.
Not only is that mother teaching her son that he can't do anything right... she is also undermining the father's role in his life with a comment like that. I don't care if the parent's are divorced or not, if the father is any kind of decent, the mother should include him as a positive person in the child's life. My parents divorced over my father being abusive... and even THEN, my mom is very careful not to blatantly bad mouth him to any of her children.
Also, I'm seeing society is putting down young parents a lot these days. And many people are getting the message that young parents are bad parents. And if someone is unlucky enough to look young they receive a lot of social battering when they go out with their children. Trust me, I've been there!
And finally, on the subject of school, I could never see MAKING a child learn. But, I would always encourage my children to explore, find out, seek knowledge. If I had the support I would totally home school my children. I am a home school graduate and I may not ever go to college... but I will never stop seeking knowledge. I thirst for education... I drink up all that I can learn with a passion! Seriously, I'm not trying to be artsy here... this is how I am! And, I attribute this to the attitude about education my mother passed on to me. She didn't crack a ruler over my fingers and force me to study harder. She smiled when I got out my pencils and made them talk to each other, then she would bring out my reading lesson and let me have the pencils 'read' our story.
By the way, I completed 12 grade at the age of 15... so I wasn't wasting time all day! Haha.