My sister died yesterday while taking a nap. She and I had not spoken in nine years except for the fourth year when I tried to promote a reconciliation. I tried again two months ago and was rejected. She totally "murdered" me out of her life. Figuratively she chose my death from her life nine years ago. We live five minutes from each other.
Of all the tragedies in my life, this one--losing my only sibling and only close family member-- is the worst. I was absolutely devastated. I began an anti-depressant. I went to a counsellor. I truly was crushed. I cried many, many hours and days. Only someone close to us can cause such pain.
Why did she do this to me? What I think is that she could not accept that I went to live with my father when he was ill at eighty-two with no one left but me to take care of him. I was with him almost nine years until his death this last Christmas day at ninety-one. There was a bitter divorce forty-one years ago when my father divorced my mother for another woman. My sister could never forgive him. She told me to put Dad into a nursing home. When I did not, she attacked me viciously and quit speaking to me. I lived thirteen years in my parents' absolutely horrible marriage, and I came to believe that the divorce was necessary so that we could all start over.
My sister acted unconscionably toward me. She was wrong, but I tried to keep us together. I failed. No matter what happens, somehow forgive and stick with family. We all need family. I certainly do, and now have not one family member left. Value yours.
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Comments: 22
sad
A sincere message.
I think it's important, and good, that you do see where her behavior doesn't reflect upon you as a person. It sounds like you were doing the right thing by your dad, and trying, and she was locked in her own anger. I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship so long ago. Peace to you.
So sad.
I am so sorry
Leo, you didn't fail. I'm from a fractured family too.
You didn't fail. You did the best you could without an instruction manual. That you can mourn the loss of your sister shows you are not a failure.
What EM said. I do not have a relationship with my "bio", but if she does pass...I will still feel the pain of losing a "mother" even though she killed me off in her heart 30+ yrs ago. My warmest wishes to a you, a good person with a big heart.
it's wonderful advice Leo. My heart goes out to you, living with such losses. Please find friends to partially fill the empty place.
I feel your pain and had a similar situation a few years ago. Often family can be very harsh when things don't go as "they" planned and they become too stubborn or unrelenting in their attitudes. I never have understood those who challenge what a parent puts in their will. Any assests they acrued is theirs to do with as they wish and to me anyone anticipating all or a part of their accomplishments is either greedy or selfish.
Lots of hugs to you, Leo.
I've lost most family long before they died. We're not very close; neither side; despite many living so close in two small communities. Everyone does their own thing and keeps to themselves when it comes to family...except for funerals. I haven't seen my own mother in 4 years...my sister and nephews the same. My mother lived a mile up the street where I used to live...my sister maybe 5 miles away. When I moved, I didn't even tell them I was leaving...or where I was going to. Now, I'm far enough away and have no way to get back and none of them come here. (And it' only 45 minutes away.) Most, including immediate family, I'll never see again before one of them or I die. Its' been so long; it's no big deal anymore. It would be nice to have family, but I can survive without them.
That rips my heart out. I cannot understand why this happens.
Leo,
I have had a similar situation for my brother for some years. When my brother married after our mother died, his wife took offence at my Christian beliefs, and did not want him spending much time with us. I lived within 5 miles, but I have not heard from him, nor am I allowed any time when i try outside the major family events. I am moving to try to get better medical help. I don't even know if he knows yet. I do feel your pain. Both of our parents died young. My dad was 44, younger than my brother is now, and mom died a few years later at 60, both from cancer. I have a younger half brother that at least stays in computer contact. It is all of my family now. HUGS and blessings to you.
My deepest simpathy on your loss now,nine years ago and the loss of your father. You did what you could, what was right. I am so sorry that your sister allowed your parents divorce to make he bitter. Take care of you. Keep on keeping on!
So many of us share this pain, I appreciate your support and understanding. My intent was to convey the message that we accept and keep our families together no matter what. Obviously some times it is impossible as so many of us have experienced. We have to accept the way things are.
I am sorry to hear this. Family is worth fighting for.
if you think she was in the wrong and you were in the right, then you have to forgive.
My sister did that and worse, she scares me with the power to harm and I do not wish to be around her, yet I forgive her and hope she has a decent life someday.
Leo, no one can tell you how to process this, you have to do it your way... no matter how long it takes. I'm glad you found a counselor to talk with.
I'm so very sorry Leo
My sincerest condolences leo. Keeping family together is not always possible no matter how hard we try. I too like yourself, have been there or should I say am there. I have a brother who know longers speaks to me, and has ignored all contacts, for the last several years. Why he suddenly stopped speaking to me, one day, I do not know. I have another sibling who has tried to get us back on speaking terms, but he still keeps his stance. I just wish I knew why. Even though it pains me, I have moved on. I still address Christmas cards, and birthday cards, all with no response. I harbor no ill will, and still love him dearly. Perhaps one day, things will change. I am always one to keep hope.
You have done what you could Leo. No one can fault you, for you have tried. And I respect the fact, you still cared for your father. That makes you a person of true character.
I'm so sorry, Leo, on your loss. There isn't anything I could say that has not already been said here, except that I believe you are right to reach out and embrace family. The thing is that they have to embrace you back. Whether they do or dont is a choice for them to make and has no reflection on your efforts or on you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Leo. We can reach out to loved ones, but can't force them to reach back. Sadly, this kind of stubborness often results in regrets when it's too late to make amends.
Thanks for posting to Fugitives from Ignorance, Conformity, and Peer Pressure
Sad that you have to go through such a phase in you life Leo, but your advice is worth following.