by Mike Ball
Member since:
March 25, 2006

Kansas Woman Doesn't Like Johnny Depp; Depp Is Devastated

July 21, 2006 03:19 PM EDT
views: 102 | comments: 25
What I've Learned So Far... Today
Your Daily (More Or Less) Dose of Satire

July 21, 2006

With his new movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest breaking all box office records, cinema superstar Johnny Depp might arguably be considered the most popular actor in the world.

Not so, according to Mrs. Thelma Barnswallow, of Lawrence, Kansas, who apparently doesn't care at all for Depp. "For heaven's sake, the man wears black eye liner," she said, referring to makeup worn by Depp's character, Captain Jack Sparrow. "I mean, if the Good Lord had intended for men to wear black eye liner, he'd have put vanity mirrors in tractors!"

The 43-year-old actor, reached for comment during a short vacation in Maui, was completely distraught. "Really? My black eye liner? Oh, no! I remember thinking that maybe I should go for a softer color, maybe a charcoal brown or even a teal, but then I decided, 'what the hey, no guts, no glory.' And now it's come to this!" Depp then abruptly ended the interview so he could fly home to draft an open letter of apology.

Mrs. Barnswallow, informed of Depp's reaction, said, "That's all well and good, I guess. But I didn't much like that thing where he had scissors for fingers, either."

 Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball


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Comments: 25

Mike Ball Jul 21, 2006, 4:21pm EDT
Apparently.

Of course, there was my purple and green spandex outfit...

- mike
Stephalicious B. Jul 21, 2006, 4:27pm EDT
Hilarious!

For what it's worth, I'll take Johnny Depp in eyeliner and tights any day of the week...
Linda Douglas Jul 21, 2006, 4:33pm EDT
I'm with Stephanie all the way. I even like the gold teeth.
Skipster Too Jul 21, 2006, 4:45pm EDT
Lil Rhody gals dig that swaggering don.
Mike Ball Jul 21, 2006, 4:54pm EDT
I like him a lot also. Is that wrong?

- mike
Auntie Smedley Jul 21, 2006, 5:04pm EDT
Good thing I live in tropical Minnesota!
Mike Ball Jul 21, 2006, 5:24pm EDT
... where the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and the children are above average.

That would, of course, be the tropical part of Minnesota, not the part where your breath freezes and falls out of your mouth in chunks every winter.

- mike
Digital Dogs Jul 21, 2006, 5:27pm EDT
Eyeliner & tights on men is a complete turnoff! And gold teeth, yuck!

OTOH that beautiful guy in your icon, Mike (the one on the left), is way more my type. And I can see you've taught him how to snuggle.
Martha Jette, Author/Editor Jul 21, 2006, 6:06pm EDT
I may be getting on in years, but hey, Johnny Depp is my kind of man!
Clare Stella Jul 21, 2006, 9:42pm EDT
I'm a tiny bit older too but Johnny does it for me!
Jake S. Jul 21, 2006, 10:20pm EDT
funny, but every chick I know think's Depp's hot
Mike Ball Jul 22, 2006, 12:10am EDT
Well Dogs, the one on the left is Brenna, my little girl dobie. She did know how to snuggle! She actually liked me in eye liner...

Jake, you're right - Martha and Clare seem to speak for the majority!

- mike
La Lady Lisa Westerfield Jul 22, 2006, 1:41am EDT
As someone who lives a stone throw away from Lawrence, allow me to retort that Johnny Depp is always welcome at the city of the Jayhawks. Speaking on behalf of Lawrence, if Johnny would come to the humble town a parade down Mass street would be thrown in his honor. A key to the city would be offered...but wait, he has been to Lawrence before. He used to visit William Burroughs. Mrs. Thelma Barnswallow has him confused with Johnny Depthong, the boy who said he would mow her grass this summer but has only done it twice. Having seen Master Depthong myself, I can verify he does wear too much eye liner.
Andi M. Jul 22, 2006, 2:20am EDT
I'm usually not one for guys in eyeliner, but Johnny Depp and Jared Leto (of the band 30 Seconds to Mars, various movies and the old tv show My So-Called Life) can pull it off and manage to look so amazingly gorgeous!
Mike Ball Jul 22, 2006, 10:05am EDT
As opposed to Johnny Diphthong, who was boiled in fine oil. You know Lisa, that would explain a lot...

Andi, just so you aren't talking about the Jared of Subway fame - I'd rather not even imagine him in eye liner. Or tights.

- mike
Andi M. Jul 23, 2006, 1:15am EDT
Definitely not Subway Jared, that is a scary thought!
Carl Neeld Jul 24, 2006, 2:22pm EDT
Why would Depp, or anyone else, give credence to Mrs. Barnswallow? She's from Lawrence, KS, for crying out loud. She probably thinks the world is flat, the sun revolves around the earth and - well - whatever.
Mike Ball Jul 24, 2006, 2:47pm EDT
Whoa there Carl, Lisa is from Lawrence (at least a stone's throw away) and she doesn't necessarily think the world is flat. Although, if you've ever been in Kansas, you'd see why they would come to that conclusion.

Right Lisa?

- mike
James s F. Jul 28, 2006, 2:19am EDT
Yul's pirates were probably closer to the truth in Light at the End of the World
Mike Ball Jul 28, 2006, 8:24am EDT
You're probably right James, but I don't think Pirates was ever meant to be considered historical fiction. It is, after all, inspired by a theme park ride.

- mike
Today's Illusion Jul 30, 2006, 10:56pm EDT
Oh damn and Edward is my fav. Depp character.
Mike Ball Jul 31, 2006, 3:29am EDT
I guess you and Mrs. Barnswallow should just agree to disagree.

I kind of lean toward Gilbert Grape.

- mike
~*~Danyale~*~ N. Mar 13, 2008, 3:36pm EDT
she must be blind wow i would definatly not turn johnny away whatsoever i think the eyeliner makes him hotter!!!
Mike Ball Mar 16, 2008, 10:07am EDT
I wish I'd had you around to explain the eyeliner thing to that traffic cop last week. Hotter - yeah, that's the ticket...

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