June 27, 2006
Dear Son,
As I sit here in 2006, I feel as there is so much for you to know. About the past, the present, and the world that you will be living in. My own father was not around when I was growing up, and I want to make sure, that in case anything at all happens to me, you will have some type of guidance from someone who loves you.
The first thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. No matter how different you may think that you are, there are others like you in the world. While you are unique, there will always be people out there with similar interests, and personalities to yours. Half of the adventure of life is finding those people. While things seem grim, or too tough to handle, these people will be a source of inspiration and a way to keep you grounded and connected. Rely on your friends, they can be your greatest source of strength. I will warn you, though, there will be those who you feel you can rely on, and in all honesty, you cannot. Don't waste too much time on those people, they will come and go in your lifetime. The few that stick by you, no matter distance or conditions, are the ones that you should feel lucky that you have.
Secondly, do not judge or oppress others. That is something that humanity on a whole has an issue with. I live in a time currently where you are judged on how much money you have, what car you drive, clothes you wear, if you are gay or straight, what religious beliefs you may have, you name it. Please see past this when you grown into manhood. Realize that people all have a contribution to make, and different people, from different backgrounds are a good thing. They enrich your life, and can show you so many different points of view. They are able to expand your horizons, and give you a greater understanding and appreciation of what you have and who you are. Do not loose sight of this.
When you finally fall in love, I pray that he/she does not break your heart. Love is an unconditional state, and usually something that you cannot control. Remember that it is about respect for the person you are with, giving all that you have, trust, concern, and caring. It is about sharing every part of who you are with that person, and not holding anything back. They should be your best friend, your lover, and your world. If you are not feeling these things within you, then you have not found the right person. Trial and error do happen in love, it is just a fact of life, but when you find the right person, you will know it.
There are a lot of people in the world who are generally close-minded and bigots. I hate to say that to you, but it is the truth. Do not spend a lot of time worrying about these people. No matter how hard you try to show them the illogical nature of their ways, it will not work. Stop them from discriminating against others, but realize that you should select your fights carefully. Know that you are better than they are, more mature, and more informed, and that gives you the insight and enlightenment that they claim to have.
All in all son, just remember that you are loved, even when someone is not there to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok. You are thought of and worried over. Remember you have the power to change the world. Do not ever think that you do not have what it takes. Many people, single handedly have changed the course of human events, and the world. Keep that in mind.
Love, Unconditionally,
Your Father
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Comments: 22
I suspect that the lack of a father has a particular impact on gay men. My son's father has always been incredibly supportive of my son's sexual orientation, but he has just never been much of a presence as a father per se. Looking for a father figure can be a dicey proposition if you are a gay male (or a straight woman, for that matter).
When I used to go to PFLAG meetings, I was always surprised and impressed by how many fathers, as opposed to mothers, were supportive of their gay children. Mothers seemed to go through a lot of angst about weddings and grandchildren and all that stuff, but I was surprised at how many fathers I heard say, "as long as he's happy, I'm happy for him." Not anywhere near all of them, of course, but still, surprising how many expressed that opinion.
I'm sorry you didn't have a father to grow up with, but you do have an opportunity that a lot of people don't have -- the opportunity to "make it up," so to speak -- to decide for yourself what constitutes being a good father and expressing that. This letter is a wonderful start.
The article goes on to say that the only significant factor, according to the study, "was the number of times a mother had previously given birth to boys...Having one or more older brothers boosts the likelihood of a boy growing up to be gay - an effect due not to social factors, but biological events that occur in their mother's womb."
"The so-called fraternal birth order event is small: Each older brother increases the chances by 33%. Assuming the base rate of homosexuality among men is 2%, it would take 11 older brothers to give the next son about a 50-50 chance of being gay.
According to another survey, the Times reports that 42% of Americans consider homosexuality to be a lifestyle choice, a position that is contradicted by the results of this latest study.
The study was conducted by Canadian psychologist Anthony Bogaert, and reported yesterday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
I think this is an awesom letter. Full of wisdom for your son to someday have and cherish from you. Excellent job.
I remember asking some gay friends how old they were when they knew they were gay. I wanted to make sure I raised my son in as "gay-friendly" an environment as possible, just in case. My son says that he knew he was "different" when he was ten. I don't know if it was just the gay thing, because he is also an incredibly intelligent, I might even say brilliant, child, so that set him apart as well. But he does remember having a serious crush on a male teacher who was sensitive enough to recognize his "differentness" and mentor him appropriately.
I arrived home to the UK from a trip to Chicago at 8 am one cold morning only to be told my father had died at 6am - on visiting where he stayed they handed me a letter he had started writing to me and never finished it had just three lines and you could see the mark in the last unfinished sentence where the pen slipped off the paper.... I often wonder what else he had to say. My father left home when I was 6, he died when i was 44 - i only saw him about 15 times in between those ages and never really knew him - or so i think. Thank you. Most sincerely "L"
As I read the letter I found myself wondering if it was a letter from your father to you, one from you to your son or a wishful letter that you hoped your dad had sent you. It was all three and more. Even though I have a dad, he was\is alcoholic and his 'presence' was always confusing and irregular in my life. He would mock me for not being 'manly' enough and now I am learning that folks who criticise others often fear the same issues in themselves. I am a dad and gay. Yes, some gay men do have children 'the old fashioned way' and live in an outwardly hetero world. My lesson to my kids is 'be yourself'. At 54, with 30 years of marriage, I will remain married. I love my wife and kids and it is not their fault that I was unaware of and unable to act on my same sex attractions. Perhaps I need to write them a letter. Peace,
I applaude you. This letter is wonderful, full of love and respect and wishes. Simply gorgeous.
I have tried to be the parent and guide your letter shows you will be. I've told my children the opposite of the rest of thier family if it was the right thing....... what can make them happ y and fill their spirits.
Blessings to you and all your chosen family.
Peace,
Cat