Goofing At Home Depot

It's 107 degrees here in sunny Sacramento, Daddy is sweating like a pig in Purgatory and I just told the lawn to go eat sh*t and die cause I ain't mowing you today. I hosed down all the cats so they can stay cool and threw some ice in for the goldfish.

The day started out well. I went out to Home Depot in the morning. Oh, I was just full of youthful enthusiasm for all the projects I had in mind. But I think, even at that early hour, the sun was affecting my brain.

I consider myself a social anarchist. That only means that I introduce anarchy in unlikely situations. It has nothing to do with politics.

While waiting in line to check out at Home Depot, I spied a 99 cent fly swatter. Nice price and nice color, I grabbed the prize.

So my turn at the register comes up and I hand the fly swatter to the clerk. "Could you wrap this separately? It's a gift for my wife." The clerk stares at me with disbelief "You're buying a fly swatter for your wife?" I mustered up my most sincere voice, the one I normally only use when I call in sick at work, "Yes, she is a large woman and tends to draw flies."

"Can you think of a better anniversary gift than this?" I said with sincerity that Bill Clinton would envy. "She's been good lately, so I thought I would get her something special."

The clerk was starting to catch on so I had to throw my zinger at her quickly "You know, I don't mind buying nice things for my wife because I know she'll take good care of them."

The people behind me were cracking up and the clerk had a huge grin. She says "Sir, you just made my day."

I think to myself ... Mission Accomplished!