As we near the upcoming election, you may have noticed that the political ads are starting to sound pretty negative (well, mostly from desperate candidates). This morning, while eating my Raisin Bran, I was visually assaulted by more than 6 negative ads shown by the Republican party, one negative ad by the Dems, and one positive ads by the Dem candidate for senate (in MN). It made me want to hop back into bed, crawl under the covers and just hide until it's time to vote (also it's Friday, and I just want to hibernate).
What sort of political ads would you like to see (if any)?
Script one for us...it'll be a hoot.
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Comments: 214
I hear ya.
I've noticed that most negative ads contaain, at best, very dubious claims of the other side...I'd like to see political ads go through some sort of independent scrutiny for truth before they are aired...
A candidate can just say what they want (outright lie) right before an election, and after they are elected turn around and say, "Oops, my bad. I lied about that."
We've seen that happen before...well, except for the "Oops" part...
[voiceover, the ubiquitous low, ominous guy]
This is Frick, he's a PostTart™ and he likes to start articles for the Listeners' Lounge™ Some people would say he's pretty successful at it. But some people (cut to image of The Onanist's avatar) want him stopped!! (musical "Ka Chaaa….")
[cut to Frick playing with a group of Sheltie puppies]
FRICK (laughing while his face is being licked): Hey there boy! Settle down! Hee hee! I don't know why The Onanist is against me. Maybe he just hates puppies. Ow.. stop that!
[cut to The Onanist's Avatar]
VO: Would you trust a puppy hater to start your Gather Articles? Vote Frick on November 7th.
FRICK [laying on the ground being licked and nipped at by the puppies]: Hey! Ow! Hee hee hee!.. I'm Frick and I approve of this Ow! Message!
VO: Paid for by the SPCA. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Articles
Guten morgen, Juni and Onie!
Negative ads depress and frustrate me. I want to know what a candidate stands for, what he or she can do for constituents, and not be told how evil the opponent is.
It's sad, because apparently these ads work. Many Americans are too lazy to do any reading or research themselves, so they watch a 30 second sound bite and make their decisions that way. I suppose once in a while negative ads backfire. I hope so, since the majority that I've seen -- actually, ALL of them, so far -- have been from the Republicans.
____________________________________________________
(Shot of Jackie wearing Birkenstocks, hiking through the Desert Sonoran Museum, patting the head of a cougar)
I'm Jackie L., and as an independent candidate for the state senate, I know what Arizona needs.
(Shot of Jackie picketing SmedleyCorp™)
I'll work hard to rid Arizona of heartless conglomerates receiving corporate welfare with your hard-earned tax dollars.
(Shot of Jackie driving stake through GWB's heart)
I'll keep other politicians accountable for their actions. It's time we returned integrity to politics.
(Shot of Jackie spoon-feeding gruel to hungry waifs)
I'll spoon-feed gruel to hungry waifs.
ANNOUNCER: Don't you think it's time for a change in Arizona? This message approved by the Committee to Elect Jackie L.
[voiceover, the ubiquitous low, ominous guy]
This is Frick, he's a PostTart™ and he likes to be "licked" by puppies. Some would say he's just having fun, but look closer...
[cut to close up of Doggy Treats sticking out of Frick's pocket]
...yes, that's right, the puppies are being coerced by doggy treats! Foreign produced doggy treats.
[Cut to foreign "doggy treat" manufacturing plant]
VO: Would YOU trust someone to start YOUR Gather articles to someone who supports FOREIGN-MADE doggy treats?
[Cut to Onan standing in front of hard working AMERICAN doggy treat plant workers]
Onan: I make sure all of the doggy treats I use are 100% organic and made right here in the good 'ol USA. Don't let ANYONE outsource YOUR doggy treats.
Onan: I'm Onie, and I approve this message.
VO: This message paid for by the Doggy Treat Manufacturers of America, Local 159.
Bwahahahahaha!!!
Gold...comedy GOLD!
Heh...these are kind of funny:
http://www.thewarofthewords.net/part3.php
/Threadjack-
VO: The Onanist says that his doggy treats are "Made in the USA" by "American" doggy treat workers.
[cut to close up of worker in smock and goggles inspecting doggy treats, name tag says "Hannah"]
VO: But this worker isn't American. She's Canadian !!!!
[cut to shot of Canadian Flag waving in the breeze, marching armies, explosions]
VO: How many other Canadians are working there? How long until we all have pictures of the Queen on our money? Would you let an known Canuck Lover start your Gather Articles, eh?
[shot of Frick feeding gruel to waifs]
VO: I don't know what this has to do with anything, but it's a powerful image.
VO: Vote for Frick. He's not Canadian.
FRICK: I'm Frick and I'm not Canadian and I approve this message
[paid for by Canada Dry]
Frick - too funny!
[Cut to President Smedley holding press conference outside the SmedleyCorp™ conglomerate headquarters in Phoenix]
"... and therefore the decision has been made to move the Smedleycorp™ headquarters, along with 1,586,293 Smedleycorp™ jobs, to Ely, Minnesota. It's clearly a win-win situation for both Smedleycorp™ and the population of northern Minnesota. Any questions?"
[voiceover, the ubiquitous low, ominous guy]
This is Frick, he's against the importation of legal immgrant workers to fill the void left after our brave National Guard and Reservists were deployed overseas.
He claims to be for America, but would a TRUE American sacrifice the possibility of a shutdown of American doggy treat manufacturers? I think not.
Onan: I make sure our American jobs won't go unfilled and doggy treat production is at 100% while our brave troops are away and guarantee that when they comeback, their jobs are safe.
Onan: And besides, just look where Frick got his puppies for his last political ad.
[Cut to shot of Guatemalan puppy mill]
Onan's Voice Over: Do we want FOREIGN puppies here??
Onan's Voice Over: They're not regulated...
[Cut to close-up of doggy tag]
Onan's Voice Over:...they haven't had their shots...
[Cut to shot of a Vet tending to a pup]
Onan's Voice Over:...and most are just tossed over the border...
[Cut to large man tossing puppies over a 12' barbed wire fence]
Onan's Voice Over:...a vote for Frick, is a vote for puppy tossing.
Onan: I won't stand for puppy tossing, and neither should YOU.
Voice Over: This ad paid for by the "AAPT - Americans Against Puppy Tossing".
*Raises hand*
Isn't that pretty close to CANADA??
Are you going to import illegal CANADIANS to work at Smedleycorp™??
What sort of safeguards are put in place to help curb the importation of illegal Canadians??
VO: By the looks of this picture, The Onanist would like you to believe that Frick is all for puppy tossing. He is not. Frick believes that puppies should be cuddled and held appropriately, by holding the back paws, providing support against the body, and always lifting with the legs so as to avoid back strain. What the ad didn't show you is THIS!
[Shot of Onan at Skywalker Ranch™ at a video editing desk with George Lucas]
ONAN: Good work, George. It looks so realistic . They'll never be able to tell its CGI
GL: You're welcome, Onie. Thanks for coming to see all my movies
ONAN: No problem.
[Shot of Onan standing in line for "The Phantom Menace" in full Princess Amadala make-up]
VO: This is how The Onanist spends his spare time
[Shot of Frick handing out gruel to starving waifs]
VO: This is how Frick spends his.
FRICK: Here you go, waif. Here is some gruel.. Enjoy (he ruffles the child's hair)
WAIF: Oh thank you kind sir! (obviously reading a cue card) You. Are. So.Generous with your…time.. I can't imagine.. the Onanist ever taking.. the time to feed gruel to a.. poor starving waif like.. myself.
VO: Would you rather have a cross-dressing, sci-fi geek slacker start your Gather Articles or a selfless, non-opportunistic, humanitarian write them?
FRICK: I'm Frick and I've never seen Star Wars. I prefer "art" films. And I approve this message.
[paid for by the estate of Warner Fassbinder]
Say, where are the candidates for the Tree Hugger party?
Mysterious Child (crying):
Hello, is my name Augustus
you remembers me?
I probably mostly remember you all...
There is aunt, Frickles, Zelda and the artist,
who admit in former times as Amanda are!
And Ponce! Sweet, sweet Ponce!
They stepped me completely to preverbal the Kandare,
when things kept rough,
but I mean revenge had, which I avenged!
(The child storms out, slamming the door behind him.)
(crowd gasps)
Poor lil' fella.
FRICK: Little Augustus! Wait! I have grueeelll for youuu…..
[Frick stops running]
FRICK (panting): Little b*stard got away! That would have been a great shot too!
[He looks at the camera crew, clamps his hand over his mouth and tries to wrestle cameraman to the ground]
FRICK (shouting): You didn't hear that! You didn't see that! Gimme that #*$)%$ camera!
in his hand]
[voiceover, the ubiquitous low, ominous guy]
This is Frick, he says he's never seen Star Wars.
But look at what we've uncovered...
[Cut to spinning graphic of Frick's "Boba Fett Fan Club" card]
...and his body guards...
...and his dog...
Do we want the Empire to control our Gather articles? I think not.
[Cut to Onan in front of a bunch of Ewoks, scruffing the head of a young Ewok]
Onan: I stand up for YOUR right to express dissenting views.
Onan: My opponent says your lack of faith in him is "disturbing".
[Cut to video of Frick Vader crushing the throat of his campaign manager]
Onan: Do we REALLY want this type of image in OUR Gather articles?
[Sound of Frick Vader deep breathing]
Disclaimer - No Ewoks were hurt in the filming of this ad.
Our guburnatorial candidate in California, Jerome (Curly) Howard, has just moved into third place in all the polls.
I'll soon post a formal campaign update but for now:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976794932
Oh yeah!
What to do, what to do??
"What kind of experience does Farheen have?
She had been a community organizer for and volunteers on the board of Headwaters Foundation for Justice Social Change Fund Committee, Minnesota Public Health Department, Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless, and North American Student Cooperative Organization. Farheen knows English, Urdu, American Sign Language, and can read Arabic. Farheen has four years of experience teaching mathematics. " www.farheenhakeem.org
"Take A Chance On Cage"
I'm Jackie L., and I help mountain lions hurt by the corporate greed of SmedleyCorp™. Did you know that SmedleyCorp™ shoots mountain lions, just to get their fur for Smedley's Rare Species Handbag Collection™? And yet, SmedleyCorp™ threatens Arizona with the loss of jobs. Is that American?
(Shot of Jackie L. navigating traffic- senior citizens in Town Cars drive down the median, making left hand turns at five miles per hour in front of speeding traffic, nearly causing a busload of hungry waifs to fly through a windshield)
SmedleyCorp™ employees are all "winter visitors" who break traffic laws, cut in line at Walgreen's, and decimate all-you-can-eat buffets. Do we really need SmedleyCorp™ in Arizona?
(Shot of Jackie L., in the desert, carrying a dehydrated illegal immigrant on her back )
Jackie L. is all about helping real people. The people who actually pay taxes and make Arizona a thriving economic force. So vote for me, Jackie L. I save people and wild animals.
Lessee... howzabout peeling me some grapes and dropping them, one by one, in my mouth?
I could use a good pedicure, too.
Mark, would you accept the nomination for Transportation Secretary in the Wig administration, once we skip through the election and I'm installed in the white house?
I'll have you know that Ms. Pie is my esteemed Secretary of the Interior, and is solely responsible for the beautiful jacquard drapes and the lovely Kashmir carpet in my office! Treat her with the respect she deserves!
DON"T FORGET TO WRITE IN "HOSEHEAD" ON NOV. 8 !!
[SmedleyCorp™ executives meeting in a clandestine location put a contract out on Groovy Dave. It won't take long until completion, as the hit men have staked out every bar in town selling quaint european beers]
They're a menace, I tell you!
"school's out for the summer.
school's out forever !"
Jackie, Zpie drives wherever she wants!! (Just ask Onie.)
Hee hee!
Turn St.Louis Park into 1 giant Park N Ride
Open an Indian casino in Pawlenty's backyard to pay for it
i like it... it keeps it real 4 da urban votahs !
aw'ight !
Nippy: I look forward to seeing what Mr. Cage's response is. I would also nominate Harry Partch as a possible candidate.
Oh no
No Im never gonna do it without the fez on
Oh no
Thats what I am
Please understand
I wanna be your holy man
No Im never gonna do it without the fez on
Oh no
Aint never gonna do it without the fez on
Oh no
Thats what I am
Please understand
I wanna be your holy man
Down With Shriners!
Toodles, Tarts. I might drop by later to see how the campaign is going.
my running mate is a worm
[voiceover, the ubiquitous low, ominous guy]
This is Frick, he says that Shriners are a menace, but we know he just has "Fez Envy".
[Cut to suburban "soccer mom"]
Soccer mom: Well, let me tell you, we don't need someone with "Fez Envy" starting Gather threads.
It always starts with Fez envy, then what?! Bowler envy? Beanie envy? Fedora envy? Where will it end?
I will hang MY hat on the "people's candidate", Onie, because I know HE doesn't have any sort of "hat envy".
[Cut to Onan looking away from camera with his steely gaze and arms folded]
Onan: I'll cut down on "hat envy" and make sure those with this debilitating habit are dealt with...severely.
Voice Over: Vote for Onie, the Milliner's choice.
Disclaimer - No hats were harmed in the filming of this ad.
BTW, I've finally decided on the silver tabby Scottish Fold from Smedley Flying Cats™. When can I expect her in the mail?
How about Steve Glass?
Morton Subotnick might be able to squeak by, but the real money's on Edgard Verese'
Zeldapie, Secretary of the Interior
Feel free to drop by and say Hi, I'll be there all day!