I have yet to visit the eHarmony website, but I am curious. Can anyone tell me if the following items appear on their compatibility questionnaire?
- Which is louder: a pile driver or your snoring?
- Do you pick your nose in the living room when company is present?
- How soon will you regain that 30 pounds?
If these questions do not appear, they should.
Putting a best foot forward is natural when seeking a mate. In fact, it's kind of fun to have others believe you actually are attractive, fun and intelligent; at least until they find different.
Unfortunately relationships are about the long term and sooner or later the truth comes out. The sad fact about marriage is we are measured not by what we do best, but only by what we do worst.
I have a great idea for eHarmony. Instead of encouraging people to tell little white lies about their taste in music, movies or desire for long walks on the beach, why not put candidates through a trial of fire? Why not toss them together in a virtual life before they meet?
Why not start by cleaning out a virtual garage?
Here's how it would work.
When you sign up for the dating site, they don't give you a questionnaire, instead they give you stuff. They allow you to fill a virtual garage with random items from eBay. Once you completely filled your virtual space, you are free to roam among the herds of potential mates.
When you find a candidate, the site feeds you both to the virtual wolves by merging your stuff then challenging the two of you to reduce it all down to one garage worth of space.
We all know the test: your stuff is stuff, their stuff is junk.
As in all things relationship-wise, the guys are at a distinct disadvantage. They have the biggest stuff. Guys find themselves backed against a virtual wall trying to defend keeping the rusting hulk of a 69' Dodge Charger - not touched since 1980.
If the couple gets past that - there is hope.
Now it's her turn - she faces the prospect of tossing out the garden tools that have blocked access to the rusting hulk of the 69' Dodge Charger since 1980. Here he has the upper hand. "But dear", he types, "we live in a Condo!" To which she replies wistfully "but some day we will move..."
This is a moment of crisis. The guy has not even met the girl and already she has him packing his stuff for a move across town.
Once the couple clears that hurdle, things really get nasty. The site tempers the flame of their relationship with other virtual realms:
The virtual bathroom - Toilet seat up or down?
The virtual cat box - Cleaned by whom and how often?
The virtual bookcase - Romance novels or vintage Playboy collection?
The virtual refrigerator shelf - Beer or broccoli?
The virtual desk - Piles of unpaid bills or desk as decoration?
The virtual closet - Sixteen linear feet of women clothes or enough space to tuck in a pair of guy's jeans?
The virtual spare bedroom - Office or sewing room?
Everyone knows how these virtual tests turn out; he loses the Charger, she keeps the tools, she wins the toilet seat war, he cleans the cat-box twice a day, she packs the bookcase with Romance novels, she stuff the refrigerator with vegetable and bans his beer to the porch, and we all know the decorative desk and closet space are decidedly hers.
But that is not the point.
The secret to any successful relationship is not whether she pulls it off but how.
Can she convince him it was all his idea?
Does she leave him with any dignity intact?
Or does she give him a glimmer of hope that one day when he moves all her stuff across town he might eventually have: ...space to store a Charger, a second bathroom, no cat, a spare bookcase, a frig for beer, a desk, and a closet?
These things are the essence of a relationship, not those stupid walks on the beach that couples only do when dating.
© Greg Schiller, 2008
Author: Greg Schiller
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Comments: 39
Me, I hid in the swamp for years until it went dry, forcing me out into the open......(grumble)
Great points, and well put. lol
Jeff and I still love the walks on the beach. lol
But the rest of the 'battle' wars on. lol
As for dating and mating; I told a group of singles when I was single that before you marry, you should go on a mission trip that you significant other is also part of. Either that or paint a house together.
My wife and I did both before we were married. We have never had any fights as bad as those we had when painting the house.
How about adding a virtual TV - Desperate Housewives or WWE wrestling?
- Simon, how about virtually packing off the teens....that would make anyone smile.
- Thanks Marilyn.
- Dan, I think he is putting his mug out there - hoping against hope ---
- Jana, mother-in-law stuff? Shudder.
- Ylanne. Women are always to blame in humor articles written by men. That makes up for all those articles written by women. :(
- Patricia, you have hit upon the secret to happiness.
- Deisha, appreciate your stopping by.
I always tease her about being in control. She teases me about holding out hope that one day I might be the one who makes a decision.
The truth is our teasing is the way we hash out our differences.
Thanks for making me laugh!
remodeling a house you both share is a true test of tolerances,too
amusing article....i,too, prefer what Patricia J. says....it would take an amazing man to make me want to give up being on my own schedule once again.....
cheers,gayle
The humor in your words reminded me of the movie, Mrs. Doubtfire. There are so many relational scenarios which seem so funny when you can step back and view them objectively. The Doubtfire movie made my dear old mother cry when she saw it. She had seen in real life how divided families humiliate discarded dads. She just couldn´t step back. I am sorry that I didn´t laugh when I read your words. My present wife doesn´t allow me take up my sense of humor.
P.S. does your missus see any of these articles before you post 'em?
- Dorothy, you bet, I wonder why the readers have not added to the list.
- David, welcome back. Your have given me an idea. Perhaps the site should create an algorythm that accentuates our little quirks..... now that would be interesting.
- Jennifer, maybe its all those desperate people ... reaching out.
- G-Photog, makes me think of the virtual driving test, sort of sim-highway. I wonder how many relationships could survive a road trip.
- Thomas, the same with me. My wife thinks I's funny enough without humor. :)
- Pat, me cynical? Now what would give you that idea? My wife approves everything I write.. It is a subset of controlling everything I do.
- titus, avoid marriage. Marriage is a happiness best delayed for long as possible.
- Karolyn. You are always happy. You have one lucky husband.
- J R B. The truth is we usually do see the other side. We just do not process what we see.
So. Very. Glad.
My sister met her husband on eHarmony. They've managed to answer some of your questions pretty successfully.
I have been to E-Harmony, not as a paid member but as a guest on free weekends.
Having met men from E-Harmony and another site, I have found the men post pictures of themselves from 20 yrs ago. One guy, (I didn't meet) posted a picture of a young Brad Pitt. Sheesh give me a break.
But not everybody is a liar on singles sites, even though many are.
In the real world, the couples that make it are the ones that compromise, and that swings both ways.
Putting down the toilet seat, and allowing large amounts of beer in the fridge and big old ugly cars are small prices to pay for regular, safe sex and companionship.
I think people need to judge less and give of themselves more--both men and women.
I just wanted to stop by since I am finally going through what is now listed as under 4,500 pieces of gather new mail that is sitting in my inbox on here.
With that mentioned I just came across either a mailing from you yourself, or someone else brought this piece to my attention. You or they felt that your creation should be shared with the gather community, which I am very glad that it was passed on to me to view. So I wanted to say Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to publish it here on gather for us to all view. :o)
As well before I leave you I wanted to wish you a Happy New Year... in 2009 :o)