Calling all writers and editors.....HELP

Me I would say get this gut feeling..

Settling into my Business Class seat, I pull out my Kindle, pretending to read. It's the best way to keep seatmates from bothering me. I can't let mindless chatter distract me. I am trained to be constantly alert to all potential danger when on a mission. I am always careful to be sure of not being followed. Sometimes I wonder who would follow a 64 year old, gray haired senior citizen, supposedly on vacation to Europe? There is usually no one, except this time I was being followed. Although I didn't see him or her, my intuitive alert system was on high alert.

Nearing our cruising altitude, I get that gut feeling, the intuitive flash, the 'almost right between-the-eyes punch', screaming at me that I am not only being followed, but in danger. I am “in the cross-hairs,” as Jake, my trainer back at SIP, calls it.

My training emphasized appearing normal. No nervous gestures. Just stay calm, relaxed, show no signs of stress. Fortunately I am well trained. I could do it outwardly, but inside my stomach was churning, my nerves taut. God, I am getting too old for this, but then I was old when I began working for SIP, Systems Intelligence Program.

Those are my suggestions.

Sorry, I would add "I could do it outwardly, but inside my stomach is churning,

Thank you, I can see the passive becoming active. Appreciate your taking time to help me out. It means a lot.

Only to be consistent. It can be converted to passive easily.

I took the last half hour to deconstruct your passage, and then reconstruct one way of accomplishing your goal. In reconstructing, I added more interior monologue and created a character just so you can see the kind of detail that attracts a reader's interest. Feel free to use or throw out any of the following. I gave your protagonist a name, because I don't know her name.

You are writing in present, not past tense. You can write in whichever tense you prefer.

Passive: ‘am trained to be’; ‘of not being followed’; ‘except this time I was being followed’;’ that not only am I being followed’;

In passive voice, someone or something is acting up on the subject. Think of something sitting on the subject, pressing the subject down.

In active voice, the subject is the actor.

To keep active voice, use this basic form: noun/verb/direct object.

Active: John hit the ball.

Passive:The ball was hit by John.

Passive:The ball had been undergoing a ….when John tried to hit it.

In showing, the writer should use a lot of sensory detail – how something looks, feels, smells, tastes, for example – to the reader. Use more interior monologue.

Strengthening sentence structure. Strengthen sentence structure. (See how the gerund ‘ing’ form is less effective than in these two sentences?)

One possible way of many to use active voice, showing, interior monologue, more sensory detail:




*

I settled into my business class seat and pulled out my Kindle, pretending to read. Ouch. And they call this business class? No leg room, crumbs on the seat. Stewardess! No. Bad idea. Back to the Kindle. It's the best way to keep seatmates from bothering me. I can't let mindless chatter distract me.

Hey, what about them Dodgers? I roll my eyes. Who cares? Focus, Marian. Focus. Don’t let your attention wander. If you do, you’re dead.

I’m trained to be constantly alert to all potential danger. When I’m on a mission, job one is to make sure that no one, repeat no one, is following me.

Director Hectorshmidt’s grating voice drones on and on in my mind. I even hear it in my sleep. In my dreams, he’s staring right at me the way he always does in Mission Prep. He quirks an eyebrow, then peers at me over his horn-rimmed glasses, his bloodshot grey eyes boring into my soul.

Shudder. Dang it. I am careful. I always make sure that nobody’s following me. Nobody.

My stomach is churning, just thinking about Hectoring Schmertterling. He’s like a nervous, hectoring butterfly, always flitting his hands this way and that in the air, as his nasally voice grates on the chalkboard of my soul. Shudder.

Like who would follow a 64-year-old, gray-haired, senior, supposedly on vacation to Europe?

Like you blend, Marian?Hectoring Schmetterling would ask.

Like I don’t?

Usually, there’s no one – no one – except this time --- dang.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up. My heart raced. Dang.

Someone’s following me. My mouth went dry. I couldn’t see him – or her – but my alert system switched on high.


We neared our cruising altitude when I got that gut feeling, that intuitive flash, that 'almost right between-the-eyes punch' screaming at me that yes, Not only is someone following me, but I am in danger.

“In the cross-hairs,” as Jake, my trainer back at SIP, calls it.


Look normal. Always look normal, Jake had always said. No nervous gestures. Stay calm, look relaxed, and show no signs of stress.

Fortunately, I’m well trained. I can do this. I know I can. I can do this in my sleep, but inside –I sucked in my breath.

My stomach churned. My nerves turned to ice. Am I getting too old for this? Nah. I was old before I even started working for SIP, Systems Intelligence Program.


*

Kathryn, you breathed life into the story.....you took it from bland to alive, pulsating. Her identity and her connection became a reality as opposed to something she tells us. BTW her name is Irene.....Martha is from the same era so it's good too. Wish I had your gift as a writer....am going to work on making the rest of the story have a resurrection/rebirth. Thank you.....you are very kind to take the time....believe me, it is appreciated.

It is a matter of learned skills as much as it is nature. Many bestsellers are mostly learned skill, rather than mostly gift. I am thinking mostly of nonfiction, but even in fiction, learned skill is probably 70 percent of what's necessary, meaning that the most gifted of writers won't make it without skill.

I really think you'd do well to join RWA. It is 95 a year, but the chapters - either locally based or theme-based or both - about 30 bucks a year - offer workshops in skill development and contests with major editors as judges and such.

www.rwanational.org

and what you have is a romantic suspense, which fits into one of the many categories in rwa. and rwa isn't just for category romances; many big-name publishers are a part of this huge genre.

Is for sure worth checking out. Thanks. Am heading over there. I appreciate it. I will hone my skills or create my skills. Blessings on all you do.

great! florida has some great chapters.

I am taking four courses this month and judging a contest... and editing for my freelance job and working on my two mss.

I have learned so much from the courses.

writing is novel is a skill like getting a college degree; it often takes people about 4 years or so to learn enough to get published.

I am so impressed Kathryn, I'm going to look into it more tomorrow and I don't believe at 75 I'm too old to learn. I love learning....I'll keep you posted if you'd like me to and thanks for the advice.

PD James is older than you are by quite a bit; a male romance writer in the UK recently revealed that he has been writing a Jessica someone for the last 30 years, and he might be 80s or 90s.

Maybe I'll be the Grandma Moses of the writer's world. I do want to be a better writer.....it'l near the very top of my goals.

The arts are talents a person can do any time of life, so go for it!

"It is a matter of learned skills as much as it is nature. Many bestsellers are mostly learned skill, rather than mostly gift. I am thinking mostly of nonfiction, but even in fiction, learned skill is probably 70 percent of what's necessary, meaning that the most gifted of writers won't make it without skill."

Very well stated and applies to screen and stage writing;)

'I get' and I'm in the cross-hairs" .

cross-hairs is wonderfully descriptive

I didn't know for sure if I should write I was in the 'cross-hairs', as I did in the novel, or 'I get'. Thanks penni. Happy to have the suggestion.

Now featured at the voice wall at the Triple Name Club.

Thank you John, it makes me smile.....I am honored to be there.

I'm certainly not qualified to put in my two cents worth, but it looks like you're receiving wonderful feedback. Whatever the case, you did pull me in and had my attention.

I couldn't be happier than to know I perked your interest. I'm near the end but with the feedback from above, I'm going to do some serious editing, adding and transitioning.

That for me is the boring part and perhaps the hardest. At that point I can't see the forest for the trees. Like the artist that 's too close to his own work.

I'm not much of a creative writer, but I don't see why you can't write in present tense, as long as the scenes are presented in "flashback" fashion.

Thanks for sharing with Gather's Luminous Writers and Artists.

Looks like you got the help you needed~I no longer critique writers, well at least, here on Gather. I did it once & paid for it dearly!

Thanks Ann and August Lady.....I'm editing the story and certain scenes can read present tense and some past. Love the story so I want it to be good.