A Tale of Caution

Words so full of deceit belie results that matter.

As the first of 7 siblings, Seymour felt it his right and duty to be a leader. He spent many a listless day just dreaming of being a great brother and sister mentor. He dreamt of a sibling coming to him with problems and he’d always have the right answer. Even his Mom and Dad would afford diligent respect with extra allowance cash.

As the first born, he naturally assumed title of most intelligent family child. He decided to become an expert at everything and made quite a show how serious he was. If one loves parody, Seymour the master chef. Daily he went to the library and got books about things he heard his parents and the news say important in content.

Seymour tried to plainly not to be discreet and sometimes would read a book title to a brother or sister, in earshot of his parents, and say, ’This is something important I will soon know to share with you.’  Seymour would then pick up his books and go out of sight to presumably read and sometimes he did read a full page before drifting off into wakeful dreaming.

It wasn’t long until his siblings had caught on to his ruse, but not to be rude they cruelly played along. They acted with surprise interest at his book selections, then started asking questions. If there is a Stone in Blarney, give Seymour credit for giving a credible sounding answer to things he knew zero about. Some said his calling. His siblings never let on, except with occasional muffled laughter.

It’s a shame Seymour never applied himself to learning anything except the drums. He played in several Big Bands, but was asked to leave usually by the second gig. He always played his parts too long and upset the rhythm. Seymour, when asked to leave, would casually say, ’The crowd has come to see me and will boo my replacement tomorrow ‘

Seymour claimed he was too smart to go to college, so he spent life convincing people to hire him with high hopes. No matter the job, Seymour could invent, problem solve and find solutions. It did not take long until each employer knew that Seymour was like a Code Blue and was instantly let go.

This man produced more manure than a herd of well fed cattle daily just by his speaking voice. However, he was harmless, dated infrequently, never married and had no real vices outside of his ego. Seymour was somewhere between barely tolerated and liked and was going nowhere when he got an invite to stay with his cousin and family in a swanky resort city.

Seymour’s cousin was a first child and very successful. Seymour jumped at this chance to finally make it. Arrangements were made and Seymour was welcomed into his cousins’ home and given a private room with window view of life spectacular. His cousin provided the best of everything and got him a job. However, the job went south as he was fired within 3 days.

Seymour’s cousin heard he had been fired for refusing to wear a necktie, claiming it impeded blood to his brain for decision making. After smoothing things out with a supervisor, Seymour’s cousin felt sure a bit of reasoning would cause Seymour to wear a tie. However, Seymour’s reply that all employees not wearing a tie would help cut medical costs, made his cousin realize Seymour a lost cause.

Seymour felt somewhat betrayed when his cousin said he could not guarantee a job anymore. Seymour then felt sold down the river when told he’d have to find another place to stay. Seymour in his anger took a large sum of money from his cousin’s safe. He thought his cousin a fool for trusting him before abandoning him.

The cousin had no idea how much money went missing, but his wife did. She hired a Private Eye to see if hubby had a mistress. The results inconclusive, but there was clear evidence accidentally discovered who had stolen the money. The wife knew her husband’s only crime was trusting a relative and that none of the money was ever coming back.

Seymour rationalized his cousin owed him money for deception and rather thought his cousin had come to the same expert conclusion. However, 35 years later, at a funeral of a dear uncle, Seymour, a broken down wreck needing an operation he could not afford stood in front of the casket beside his cousin whom had a youthful glow.

His cousin, without a chard of pity, taunted Seymour by saying, ‘Do you often take cash from a safe?’ There was a pregnant silence and the cousin was about to walk away when Seymour spoke and said, ‘I will return the cash I took from you next week.’ Seymour gave his cousin a contact number and soon a date was set to hand over the stolen cash.

Seymour walked into the café, smiled and presented his cousin a large sum on his personal check. Of course his cousin balked at accepting this personal check as Seymour had expertly calculated. His hatred for his cousin’s lack of compassion and disrespect shown in the funeral parlor had driven Seymour to find a way to even the score.

Seymour realized he would die without a vital operation, but every door had closed to help him. He sadly discovered his only hope to become a felon in prison, which would have to operate because of a legal mandate. Seymour had decided to rob a bank and get arrested
before he hatched a plan to make his cousin the driver for their escape. 

At the meeting his cousin of course rejected the check and Seymour said, ‘I’ll get you cold hard cash, if you’ll drive me to my bank.’ The cousin seemed disparaging surprised and agreed. He waited in the car silently laughing at the absurdity and was awaiting his cousin’s new flimsy excuse, when the passenger side door flew open and Seymour screamed, ’Let’s get out of here.’

Seymour could see his cousin totally befuddled by the events. Soon the car was surrounded by the police. Seymour gave up, but his cousin sat in the car in total disbelief that Seymour had actually robbed a bank to pay him back. The cousin was arrested, but said nothing. However, Seymour was chirping and said, ’My get-a-way driver froze and let me down.’