A burglar is digging through a drawer in a dark room and hears a voice say "Jesus is watching". He freezes for a moment but heard nothing more so he goes back to digging for loot.
Again the voice says "Jesus is watching" and this time the burglar says "Who said that? Who's there?"
The voice answers "Moses".
The burglar spins around and his flashlight beam falls on a parrot. The burglar laughs in relief and says "What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot answers "The same kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
I leave the rest to your imagination.
recommend
Facebook
Twitter
bookmark 
print
Comments: 79
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
A backward poet writes inverse.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... .....
Because they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
I was eating breakfast with my grandson this morning. I asked him what day is tomorrow. He said Presidents day
He is a smart kid so I asked him what does President day mean.
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln…..etc.
He replied, “ Presidents day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and see’s his shadow and we have for more years of bull shit.
It’s not a nice feeling when the coffee that you’re drinking squirts out of your nose I can tell you ;-)
Now that's Funny!
An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one and the smartest man in America The world needs me, I can't afford to die." Therefore, he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." Therefore, he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Americas smartest man took my schoolbag."
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
"This is a stupid way to live, I'm freezing cold and i have to stay out here until I catch enough fishes to feed the family.He decides that before he goes fishing again he will find a way to keep warm.
Next time he goes out, alone onthe vast, cold ocean he starts to feel the chill so he unwraps the bundle of driftwood he has brought and lights a fire. The little canoe goes up in flames and the poor E4skimo drowns.
Which proves you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Do you ever think how strange our attitude to alcohol is? Drink too much, it makes our vision blurred and turns legs to jelly. Then we wake up with a hangover. Long term drinking destroys brain cells, weakens the heart, hardens arteries, burns stomach lining and rots the liver. Yet, when we raise a glass we say GOOD HEALTH.
A thief who steals a thousand dollars is a small time crook.
A theif who steals a million dollars is a serious criminal.
A thief who steals a billion dollars is a Government or a Corporation.
Saddam Hussein complained his trial was too Western. He was wrong, in Western courts the rich, powerful people always get off.
People say you can't fool an honest man. Actually the people who say this usually make large fortunes out of fooling honest men.
IMMORTAL ERROR:
A British research document released last week claimed smokers have a 50% chance of dying.
Get smoking everybody, you have a one in two shot at immortality.
(I guess what they meant to say was "dying prematurely.)
A truck loaded with tortoises crashed into a train loaded with terrapins. The headlines read
"It's a turtle disaster."
Computers are not intelligent, they just think they are.
What I love doing more than anything is trying to pack my entire body into a small suitcase. Sometimes I get so excited I can hardly contain myself.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
When I shuffle off this mortal coil I want to go the way my Grandad did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like the other people in his car.
A bunch of young middle-eastern men pulled up next to me. They started shouting “Death to America! Death to America!” while they were waving guns and an al-Qaeda flag. Then they took off into the intersection; and out of nowhere a huge semi appeared and ran directly over their car; killing all of them.
I sat there, stunned for a moment… then I realized “My God!, that could have been ME!’
So bright and early the next morning, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes who drink Evian bottled water, Starbucks coffee, Cokes, Red Bull energy drinks, Motts apple juice, and shit like that.
Therefore, you should beware of those who DON'T drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is being sent to you by someone who cares about you and worries about your safety.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter invites him in and is showing him around. They go past one room and the man asks 'Who are all those people in there?' 'They are the Anglicans, but please keep your voice down' says St. Peter. They pass another room and the man asks the same question. 'Ssssh, speak quietly," the saint hisses, "they are the Presbyterians.' As they're approaching the next room St Peter says 'Now remember, don't shout, just whisper . 'Why, who's in there?' asks the man.
'The Catholics,' replies St. Peter.
Why do we have to be so quiet?" the guy asks.
St. Peter says, "They all think that they're the only ones up here.'
To the first he says "You are the greediest man I ever saw - all you care about is money, and even married a woman named Penney!
To the second he says - and YOU - drinking an carousing all the time - booze all day long - even married a woman named Sherry!
AT this point the 3rd man turned to his wife and said "Come on Fannie we're leaving!"
"What do we do?!?" She asked.
Her husband thought and said "Well I spose spanking him wont help ..........."
Where does Napolean keep his armies?
Scroll down.
In his sleevies!
The next morning, Arty was waiting at the Kroger parking lot as he witnessed the red Lincoln drive up. He wasted no time and jumped out of the truck and into the Lincoln and choked the woman until she died. To his surprise, he suddenly heard screams from the back seat of the car. Arty jumps into the back seat of the car and chokes one lady to death and then, the other. He gets into his truck and drives away.
The headlines in the paper the next day was…
“Arty Chokes Three For A Dollar At Kroger”
Thanks Vic.
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ''thing.'' The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and ''it'' grew at least two feet. The woman said ''Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to.'' So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ''How was it?''
The wife replied, ''Great!''
The man said, ''Well, for some strange reason the alien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''
The OBAMA Value meal.
You order anything you want, and the guy behind you has to pay for it!
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your
hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
A.One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon.” the boy replied!