Queen Celexa lamented,. "I am so worried about the coming war, I just can't sleep. I need help, Lune. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since the King left for the west. My stomach is in perpetual knots wondering what kind of reception he is finding in the kingdom of Nexium . they are a peaceful lot, and I am worried they will not help us"
"My Queen, surely I can find a potion or salve to ease your rest. I will go see the alchemist, Midol very morn." said Lunesta, the Queen's handmaiden. " You know, I can also pay a visit to the witch, if you so desire." she said with a slight tremble in her voice.
"No, Lune, that old bitch could place a sleeping spell on my that could last until the moon turns blue, just ask Midol for a mild sleeping potion to help me rest. The herbs he gave me last time did help, but make me cough, not to mention the need to eat like a gluttonous pig before bed. I don't want the king to return to a fat wife, now do I? I see the way women swoon over him. Any one of them would be glad to take to his bed should I become big as a house," the Queen laughed.
Lunesta shook her head and smiled as she wrapped her cloak around her,. She knew the Queen had the King's heart firmly in her hand, and why shouldn't she? She was not only a beauty, but calm and kind as well. Lunesta had never seen her in a foul mood, even with this insomnia which was plaguing her.
Lunesta was a bit winded as she entered the alchemist's cluttered shop. The chemist looked up from his work, stirring a pot big enough for a whole pig. "Lunesta, my girl, what brings you to my humble shop? If you're looking for my son, he is not here." Midol shook his head in bewilderment. "Zithromax has taken to the lyre and has decided to become a travelling minstrel. He has even changed his name, to Z-Pack, and hopes his poems set to music will inspire the masses. " He laughed. "Stupid boy. "
"Zithromax is gone? " Lunesta asked, stunned. She shook her head, and laughed. "He has always been a dreamer, hasn't he? He will learn soon enough that Zithromax , sorry, Z-Pack ,cannot prevent war, or cure the world's ills. Not to mention that his poems are full of blasphemy and copulation. No one wants to be bombarded with that noise. But I am not here for myself, I am here on behalf of the Queen. She still can't sleep, and the herbal remedy you gave her is making her clothes shrink." Lunesta winked.
"Yes, they have a tendency to have that effect on garments" He laughed. Midol turned to the multitude of bottles lining the walls. He picked a bottle of amber liquid and studied it. "You love her, don't you?"
What a silly question she thought. She loved working for Queen Celexa, and would gladly give her life for her. "You know I do, sir. If not for Celexa, I could be working as a scullery maid somewhere, or worse, here with you."
"Then come here, lass. This potion will not work without a bit of love. Give me your hand." Lunesta extended her hand to the old man. She gasped as he drew a blade from his belt. "I need but a drop of your blood to activate this potion. It is the love you feel for her that will help her relax into slumber. " Midol pricked her finger, and squeezed a single drop of blood into the vial. He placed a stopper in the vial and shook it vigorously. "Now wash that hand. I wouldn't want you to lose that finger because you love your Queen."
Lunesta smiled. The old chemist had some really eccentric ideas, but it was easier to placate him than listen to his wild ideas about bathing regularly preventing illness. She washed her hands in a basin, and took the vial of now orange liquid and hid it in her cloak. "Remember, Midol, this is for me, no one else. Do you understand?"
"Of course, child, discretion is my trade, not to mention. I like having a tongue. "He cackled. "Peace be with you." he called as she left the shop.
Lunesta hurried back toward the palace, taking no notice of the horse and rider that pulled along side her. Suddenly a deep voice interrupted her thoughts. "Miss, I was wondering if I could trouble you for a moment. of your time.?" Lunesta looked up to see the most beautiful man she had ever seen. Not, handsome, but beautiful, with a cleft chin, sparkling white teeth and blue eyes that would rival the purest sapphire. She was taken aback for a moment, as she had never witnessed such elegance and beauty in a man. "Um, what can I do for you, sir? she blushed.
"I am Lord Cialis, of the nether realm, The Glorious Land of Benadryl Trace. to be exact, GLBT for short. I desperately need an audience with the Queen. She has something that I need to break this awful curse that was placed upon me. Only she can break the spell," said the handsome stranger. "If she can help me, and I know she can. I can help you win this war before it ever begins.".
Stunning though he was, Lunesta was wary of anyone who inquired about her employer. There were just too many who wished her Queen harm these days, and she knew she needed to be careful. "My Lord, I am a mere handmaiden, and I have no influence over the Queen nor with whom she takes audience. Why don't you just announce yourself to the court?"
"Sadly, I cannot do that, my dear. One step off my steed and I become limp as a rag and fall into sleep. I only can maintain an erect state for a few hours a day, and only then, if my feet do not touch the ground.
" That is the spell the witch Vicodin has placed upon me, or us, as the case may be. My lover has been afflicted as well. He on the other hand, has the opposite affliction. He cannot lie down for more than a few minutes time. Poor Viarga has it much worse than me., he has to sleep in an erect state. His back is constantly killing him . What is worse, is that we can never be erect at the same time. If Celexa can help, I have something for her that will ensure the victory of King Biaxin over those nasty Adderalls."
Lunesta was no fool, she understood that this gorgeous creature was not to be fazed by her own beauty, nor that of the Queen either. He was a man's man. in the truest sense. On the other hand, they needed all the help they could get, as the Adderalls army was getting closer with each day, and everyone knew they were a dangerously high strung bunch. Something told her he was trustworthy.
"I will speak to her on your behalf, Lord Cialis. How do I contact you?"
"Send a boy to the stables at the Inn of Botox. Someone will be there to meet him , and thank you, my dear. You may be saving the kingdom."
Lunesta blushed all the way back to the castle.
The Queen was intrigued with her tale of the beautiful Lord, although wary as well. She knew the Adderalls would breach the city walls in less than a fortnight, and hoped her dear husband would return before all was lost. Thoughts of the sleeping potion were totally forgotten.
Later, the boy returned to the castle, grinning from ear to ear. "Lunie, Lord Cialis is fabulous. I may travel with him and his companion after this is all over. He is so exciting,"
Lunesta grabbed her brother by the ear. and pulled " Not in my lifetime little brother, you are meant for bigger and better things than that. Sometimes you worry me, Relafen, " she said sternly. "What message have you?"
"Oh, he agreed to whatever was on the parchment. He said to tell the Queen, "Yes,"
The next evening, as the sun was fading into twilight, Queen Celexa and Lunesta set off from the palace on horseback, flanked by two knights for protection. The rode in silence to the edge of the Big Pharma Forest, a gorgeous place in daylight, rather treacherous at night.
Lord Cialis galloped on his steed from within the forest. Walking slowly toward them was a man almost as gorgeous as his friend. " My Queen,," said Lord Cialis, bending as far as he could and maintain his erect place on the horse. "May I introduce my friend and companion, Sir Viagra of Herpicin." The other man bowed deeply and extended his hand to the Queen.
Sir Viagra was a small man, but exuded a confidence and air of aristocracy. He gently kissed her hand, and helped her from her horse. "I have heard tales of your beauty, my Queen, but none of them do justice to you. You are merely a spectacular vision. "
Queen Celexa smiled, and stated haughtily " My dear sir, I have heard you need my assistance, and in exchange, you have something to keep the Adderalls at bay. Enough with the compliments, what do you want?'
Lord Cialis took a pouch from his saddlebag and held it aloft. "In this pouch is all you need to defeat the Adderalls. All I need from you m'lady is your hair. Not a mere strand, mind you, but all of it. " The spell that was placed on us can only be broken with ten thousand strands of hair from a beloved Queen of pure heart. That, my dear would be you. There is not a Queen more adored than you in all of Pharma. In my land, our queens are not exactly beloved, if you know what I mean," he quipped.
The Queen stared, dumbstruck. She had never given much thought to her beauty, but the thought of being shaved bald was unnerving. "What choice do I have?" She thought. " How do I now you are telling the truth? What is in the bag you hold? " She asked.
Cialis opened the pouch to reveal a stone of pure Onyx. "This is the Stone of Dexadrine. It has long been thought to have been lost to the ages, but my family has held the Black Beauty for centuries. It is enchanted, you know. It has the power to enable your knights to cast the Adderalls down with one fell swoop.
"The stone must be ground finely, and placed into a jug of mead. Each soldier must drink from the jug, and victory is assured. The Adderalls will run for home, most assuredly. "
The next morning, the Queen entered the palatial dining hall with her bald head held high. She addressed the court, "My dearest subjects, I have shaved my head as a show of faith that you will defeat the Adderalls before the sun sets a week nigh. Please, raise your cups and drink a toast to the land of Pharma. Your King and I share our love of this kingdom with you, and pray for victory. "
A cheer rose from the soldiers, as they honored their Queen. The knights drank their mead, and a change came over them. They became immediately more alert, taller, and stronger . They were invincible. "To War!" came the cry throughout the hall. "We ride in 2 hours, prepare yourselves, Knights, Victory is at hand. "called the head Paladin.
Two hours later, the Queen was stunned to look out at her troops. A tear came to her eye as she surveyed the army. There was not a strand of hair among them. They had all shaved their heads in support of her sacrifice.
A week later, the King crept silently into his bed chamber. He called softly, "I have returned, my love. All is well. I don't know what got into the troops but they were magnificent. We never have to worry about the Adderalls again. Those fools never knew what hit them. "
Celexa rose from the bed, and pushed aside the diaphanous veil that shrouded it. She couldn't help but laugh as she noticed her husband had shaved his head as well. "Oh my love, you really didn't have to do that. DO you think you can tolerate looking at me till it grows back?"
The Kings gathered her into his arms and kissed her passionately. " I know of your sacrifice for our home.. I know the risk you took to meet those men. Luckily, it was the right choice. Cialis and Viagra sent their army to help as well. All stand-up fellows, a bit odd, but good warriors nonetheless. Cialis explained why you cut your hair.."
"We need to celebrate. Tomorrow night we will have the biggest celebration this kingdom has ever seen,. I have already seen to the entertainment. Zithromax, the alchemist's son is making quite a name for himself with the youngsters. He puts poetry to music. I think it is horrid, but we make sacrifices for the youth of our kingdom where we can. He has quite a crush on your handmaiden as well, " he chuckled.
Alas, Lunesta and Zithromax' romance was not to be. The King had warned him of his fashion choices, and had him castrated for wearing his breetches too low one time too many.
As for the rest, they lived happily ever after.