President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?
Jay Leno
Our huge state budget deficit is gone. Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year we'll have a surplus of $785 million. You hear that, meter maids? Maybe you can stop giving us tickets for a couple of months
Jimmy Kimmel
A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'
Jimmy Fallon
This year nobody was elected to baseball's hall of fame. No player has ever gotten into the hall of fame without winning Ohio.
David Letterman
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