You Might Be From New York If......
... you say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
... you have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
... the subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
... your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
... you think Central Park is "nature."
.... you pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
... you haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
... you pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
... you have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone.
... going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
... America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
... you have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
... you take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
... you don't hear sirens anymore.
.... you live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
anyways . . .
Are you ready for today's chuckles ? ? ?
Here are a some jokes for you today....
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
- From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
- This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
bonus time again . . .
One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Randee NoOne . . .
The Court Jester
of LaLaLand . . .