Things that don't do what they are supposed to do

My gripe for the day is about things that don’t really do what they are supposed to do.

Now I’m not talking about certain body parts of an aging man or even about presidents, senators and congressmen, but something far more important. In this case my gripe is about dishtowels that seems to have forgotten their purpose in life.

Now some of you are going to say, “is that all he has to complain about?”  And I’m going to answer, “Yes,” since most of the Christmas spirit is still swirling around me even though the five-gallon container of eggnog was emptied last night.

But you have to agree with me that dishtowels that won’t absorb water are more than a petty annoyance in the life of anyone who doesn’t use paper plates on the holidays.

It’s not just that the towels we have won’t absorb a lot of water, the water actually beads up when I put a few drops on the surface. Rubbing the towel over a plate or a glass does nothing other than chase the little droplets in a circle.  The only thing that seems to work is for me to keep rubbing vigorously and hard enough to get the plate too hot to handle and then let evaporation take over. That method is okay for glass, but don’t try it on your wooden cutting boards or they catch fire before all the water is gone.

Now I am prone to exaggeration, a trait of all male members of the species learned while trying to woo our mates, but in this case my level of hyperbole is not really that great.  I tried five different types of dishtowels and not one of them seemed even vaguely interested in doing the job it was made for.

My wife, tired of my complaining, which I feel she should have gotten used to by now, suggested using a ShamWow.

In general it was a good suggestion, those things suck water out of anything, and even though I’m now feeling a little dehydrated, at least the dishes are dry.