NOTE: This has been previously published. I am the author.
Stranger Than Truth: Sex and Death in the Great White North
This week, the Stranger Than Truth crew answers an invitation to visit the great northlands and the small town of Wupupon, Wisconsin - Population 10,000.
There are about 1.5 guys for every gal there... and a big ex-con population from the nearby prison jacks that figure to something like three or four males to every female. So when we got the chance to check this place out, we had to go.
Local resident, Linda Brakedownowitz, operates the town’s only dating service and has advertised Wupupon as the nation’s best place for women to find the guy of their dreams. “The odds are solidly in our favor.” says the 35 year-old divorcee and mother of two.
“The men are pretty desperate here. There’s hardly a weekend night when we don’t have a line of them coming by to try and get on the dating list. The girls then get to pick and choose among the candidates, which is a good deal for them.”
Just outside the office, there are a couple of benches for those waiting to be called. One hopeful contestant we spoke with was Globus Gupen, who was just recently released from the state prison. “Yeah, I was in the slammer for selling fake golden rod worms to some ice fishers that turned out to be cops. And you know what? You just can’t get a decent date in prison. Well, not one you’d want anyway, eh?”
On his date resume', he lists his occupation as ‘entrepreneur’ and his income as being ‘fluid’. But Linda says that the girls are not fooled by that kind of bull. “We like to see a lot of numbers under ‘income’ and at least two long words describing an occupation. Without that, he's still stuck with his favorite bar of prison soap, eh?”
Later in the day, we got to meet one of the female clientele, Gretchen Woljnoyski and she offered her take on the local romantic scene. “I have been using Linda’s dating serve for a couple of years now. She has a great selection and I have only gotten one real dud in all that time.” explained the buxom blonde.
“Basically, the asshole lied about his job and income, eh? So we ended up at some dead end motel in Fond du Lac and eating out of the microwave in the lobby. I was like, what’s this all about, eh? He was like, put out or get out, eh? And so I had to like say, f**k you, eh? Then he got pissed and I had to walk all the way home. I got frostbite on my toes and had three of them amputated but Linda picked up the beer tab for the doctor and it all worked out okay.”
On our way out of town the next morning, we noticed several emergency vehicles at Linda’s place, so we stopped to check it out. “Oh, it’s really nothing.” detailed Ms. Brakedownowitz. "Globus just stayed too long waiting for his name to be called, eh? He froze to death on the bench hoping an angel would pick his profile and come to his rescue.”
Linda charges $200 for male applicants, $1.99 for females, and is open from 9am to 9pm, Friday through Sunday. She accepts most all forms of payments from the girls but requires cash up front from the men.
(Funeral services for the late Mr. Gupen were held at Linda’s Dating, Embalming, and Aroma Therapy Emporium, as well.)