You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
11. No movie. Don't need one.
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Sure Thing Bar Bet
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer. The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever,