LATE NIGHT JOKES

Top Ten Signs It's Time For A Flight Attendant To Retire

10. Steps onto the plane and says, "What did I come in here for?"

9. Brags about nailing Orville Wright

8. Beats unruly passengers with instructional seatbelt

7. In-flight movie is footage of his latest colonoscopy

6. Spends most of the flight smoking

5. Heats passengers' dinners in his pants

4. Never attends rehearsal and barely pays attention to own show. (Oh, I'm sorry, that's a sign I should retire)

3. The pilot is his great-great-grandson

2. Has not experienced the 'full upright position' in years

1. Spends most flights talking to an empty seat

David Letterman

Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns.

Stephen Colbert

Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward.

Jay Leno

This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.

Conan O'Brien