37 Years

I wish more people were like your beloved father. Very moving. Ever see the movie, "The Notebook?"

No, but my sister did and after telling me what it was about I decided I ought not see it because I would cry so much. But I heard it was wonderful.

It was a lovely love story, that was so well done!

I love that movie, too, and usually I am not one for sentimental romantic type stories....but this was different and unique.

It sure was!

Amber, This is 'Rare' and Oh so Special! I can clearly see why you Adore Your Father and Mother. Showing then 'Respect' and Loving them as a Child Should.
You will have these 'wonderful moments' throughout Eternity!
Blessings,Friend!

Thank you, Redbird.

This is a loving and moving tribute to your parents.

I am glad your dad sees things the way that he has and has stuck by your mother's side.

That is love. I saw the same thing with my late parents.

My late mother had alzheimers. She didn't know who we were for years.

What makes it so hard is that she is so young and my dad has so many more years of this. She forgets she has to go to the bathroom so she messes in her underwear. She can look at a door you just asked her to close, and she'll swear it is already closed when it is clear as day open.

My mother was bedridden... at least she could not wander off. She was crippled with RA. Some mornings I would read the paper... I would get the section she was "done" with... and as soon as she was "done" with the new one... she wanted the one I had back. I would tell her about her and she would ask, "How do you know this?" (like she was a college graduate)... and I would say, you told me years ago. I had hoped talking about things might bring them back.

She really didn't know. I once was talking to her about my "brother" and she didn't bat an eye. (I don't have a brother) and I realized she really had a blank slate. Though when she saw my husband she would wave and say "Hi. John".. but one day she did confide in me that he was her boyfriend. (I had to keep my laughter in)... She thought my Dad was her Dad sometimes, too... and because she was in adult briefs and her food was ground up, I think she thought she was a baby at times.

It's hard Amber, it's it's not easy... but we all loved her ... and I did my best to help my Dad... It really kept my Dad going... and when his "star" passed away... he was so lost. Even thought his "star" really hadn't been there upstairs for many years. It was hard for him to accept she was more like a two year old than being "will full"... I had to explain it to him because he would get angry with her. I think for my Dad it was a mission to keep her going..and kept him going.

Your article reminded me how I would buy cards for my mother to give my Dad. She would work a long time trying to sign her name... and I would put the card in the envelope... she would proudly hand it to my Dad... and he would act pleased and surprised and it meant so much to her and to him.... and it always made me feel good that I could help her ...even if she didn't fully understand... she was like a little child eager to try and write her name.

No one wants to be like that... but for me and my Dad, we loved her and even the way she was it was good to have her around... it is an adjustment and hard to deal with... but I did my best to keep her out of a nursing home.

It's all so heartbreaking. My mom can't write her name anymore, but she can read. Isn't it odd how minds work?

My dad is looking into daycare now they he has more medical coverage on her. We are worried they won't keep her should she pitch a fit.

My mother in law has someone with her all the time... because of memory issues and she calls the women her friend or her visitor. It was cheaper to keep her in her own home... and hire this women.

So daycare might work out... and she might surprise you and it might work out. I think it can go either way... but I would think they would know how to handle it, because there are a lot of people needing this kind of help. I'll keep praying.

That is what I told my dad, that they were trained for people like my mom. But since she is 53 and her dementia is so much different than most, he isn't sure. She has a babysitter comes in twice a week, but she can only stay so many hours. And she isn't trained like say my mom messed her pants, the lady would have to call my dad. She isn't allowed to help her. And lord have mercy, does my dad need a nap! With my mom in the house he can never get one. Even if I'm there, my mom still won't stay out of the bedroom.

Have you both thought of putting briefs on her, if she is messing her pants. I convinced my Dad at some point and it helped... keep her clean. I put A&D lotion on her butt to keep her from bedsores. I also got him to give her acidophilis each day because she was getting V infections. (hoo hoo)

At one point my Mother refused to sit in her lift chair in the living room. My Dad was so upset. When she was worse mentally and he went out one afternoon I got her dressed nice and brought her out there...and he was so pleased. See she "forgot" she had decided not to sit out there.

She was hospitalized for heart attacks and had many pacemakers put in. One time two nurses showed up to evaluate her at their home and they said she was in the end stages of Alzheimers.. that is how I found out exactly what it was.

I basically would give my Dad a break .... and I was his back up when he needed to go in the hospital or somewhere. Jordan was 3 when we moved to Florida and taking care of my Mom and Jordan at the same time was like having twins... when one didn't need me the other one did and I was bouncing back and forth.

When Jordan was in school when she was older... sometimes I had to take care of both my parents... my younger son watched her until my husband could get home from work and then they would come up on the weekend.

My Dad was sicker than I knew... and after my Mother died he wound up needed my 24/7 care. I did not know what the deal was until I took him to the VA...and that doctor explained how he was going to die. His regular doctor never discussed much with me. I took him to the cancer center for shots... so I could connect the dots.

It is so hard to take care of people who are "secretive". One thing that I did was type up a list of each of the medicines they took and the dosages and my Dad carried one copy in his wallet and I carried one in mine. When you are in the ER this information is very important.

When my mother was alive and my Dad went somewhere with my younger son... my mother had a heart attack and I had to get an ambulance. The nitro under the tongue did not work. The funny part was as soon as the EMT's got there they started asking her questions... she drew a blank and they were looking at me funny until I explained about the alzheimers. When they checked her vitals etc, they realized she was in trouble... she sat in the wheelchair... acting like she had no idea... and she really didn't.. They said that the nitro didn't work because it was too old? Who knew. At least I had the list of medications etc.

I would suggest you try and get some medical history. I felt so stupid when the ER asked me questions I just didn't know.

My Dad really didn't understand what the Alzheimers was and I had to explain to him that she wasn't being uncooperative... because that is what he thought when she got worse. He would get angry at her not realizing how little of her was there... and that was a sad sad day... I had to get him to understand because dealing with her was like dealing with a 2 year old...

She was pretty good if we could get her reading a newspaper or interested in something on tv.

Later when my mother-in-law stayed with us we bought some books... I hate to say this... with photo's of bridges, one of buildings.. and after lunch I would hand her one. She would look through it and love it. She in many ways was much easier to care for than my mother, but I learned to keep the breakfast dishes out ... as one day she claimed I didn't feed her... and when I could point to the chair she sat in and the empty dishes on the table it helped her remember.

I guess it helps to find out what will work. My mother in law loved the large books of bridges the best. She did like to have our cat in her lap... that kept her busy too.

She could change her mind though and it drove me up a wall. One afternoon she wanted to go out for dinner... so everyone got ready to go and when I went to go out the door with her she said, "I don't know why you couldn't have cooked something" in a nasty tone. I said, well I can cook something here what do you want? She said "Don't bother, we'll just go out to eat"...

My heart goes out to all of you.

My mother in law only was with us for a month... she lives in New York and thankfully my sister in law found someone to stay with her.

I tried to get my dad to put her in adult diapers. He won't hear of it. I have absolutely no idea why. I truly don't. We're pretty familiar with dementia. Her father had it because of mini strokes. His mother had it as well. And that scares the life out of me because it means it runs in the family. Hers though, we were told, was not due to mini strokes.

My mothers mother lived until 79 and her dad 91 and neither of them had it... so it always made me wonder. I do a lot of puzzles and try to keep myself busy...

Happy 37th anniversary to both your parents! Their marriage is beautiful and one that eveeryone should aspire to (in being there always). It reminds me of my parents-my dad has had some serious health issues and my moms always been there even when other people said they'd have left. Then, when my mom got sick, my dad stepped up and was there every step.

Sometimes people fail to realize relationships change. When you marry, better or worse means loving someone even when they're being a pain. You grow old together, change and stick with eachother through thick and thin. You won't feel the same, but it'll still be just as amazing if not better.

I totally agree. I want that for myself.

Your father is a really good guy....there aren't many like that any more!

What a beautiful and loving post about your parents on their anniversary. So nice to hear about couples like this. You are a dear daughter to share this with us.

I'll pray for all of you, it can't be easy on either of you to watch without being able to help. God Bless you.

Love is a choice we make, even when the road is hard. I was told that people often abandon seriously ill spouses. Towards the end your mom may revert to some lucidity and some of her old self. That happens from time to time. Amber you dad and mom chose each other and that is so special.

I thought of you and your first husband when I wrote this.

Your mother is very blessed. Happy Anniversary to them.

Wow, what a truly beautiful post, Amber! That's so heartwarming that, through good and bad, your dad is always there for your mom........37 years of marriage.....that's a long time!!!! Hubby and I've been married 33 (this month). I'm so so sorry about your mom's dementia.......that's got to be so difficult for you and your dad.....and at such a young age.....I didn't think dementia ever happened to such young people, but I guess it can...at almost any age.
You've got a truly wonderful, special family! Thanks so much for sharing this incredible love story.

I honestly adore your dad for what he does!
If all relationship were that strong...

I understand what a burden a loved one with Alzheimer's can be. We had to watch my aunt (who raised me) deteriorate until she had to have total care. It can be so sad and it was frustrating knowing that nothing we could do would make her better. So, I know what it's like to have to watch while the person becomes a non-person. I commend your dad for his faithfulness.

I feel sad for both your parents - your mother living with dementia must be a nightmare for her at times and your dad must be missing the woman she used to be. Your father sounds like a wonderful man. You're not so bad yourself!

it will be 22-23 years this October for us

Yay!

We didn't use until death us do part in our marriage vows. 1) they are morbid words to say on such a joyous occasion 2) if those words are the only thing to keep a couple married, they got married for the wrong reason in the first place. Congrats to your parents. I'm sure the vow your dad spoke 37 years ago is not the only reason he is staying with your mom through the difficult times. He has found his soulmate.

I like til death do us part because it's like saying You aren't getting rid of me!

Believe me, when your former lovely wife starts pooping her pants, can't bathe herself, and can't string a complete sentence together. taking vows become forefront in your mind. He still remembers the joy he had, but when you can't even go to the bathroom without her opening the door and staring at you...you need to remind yourself you told God and her you were staying no matter what. When he falls asleep, she wakes him up. At night he'll awaken and she's face to face with him just staring. The patience you have to have is something I don't think I could ever have.

My husband and I are married for all time and eternity.

dear Ambie thats such a lovely post you wrote here. I admire your Dad for keeping his work in a situation which is as heartbreaking as this and I also admire you for helping him out as much as you do and taking care of your mom faithfully.

You're sweet Regina. I don't know how admirable I really am, but I agree with you on my dad.

ups typo wanted to say your dad is keeping his word. Sure none of them thought of things like this happening when they said I do with 19 and 16 that makes it even more heartbreaking.

Bless both your parents.

Happy Anniversary too them

I think it is wonderful that your father has stuck by your mother. It shows dedication, true love and admiration from afar. Your dad is an example other should follow. He married her for better or worse and is following his vows. That is wonderful. I was really beginning to think nobody does that anymore. Thank you for sharing this.

I don't really know much about dementia. But I wish the best for your dad, mother and your family. Sounds like you all have alot to deal with.

I am just stopping by once again to let you know that this post is spotlighted in the

What Is Happening Today On Gather ~ Monday September 03, 2012

I hope you have the time to check out the other spotlighted posts as well.

Have a wonderful Labor Day!

Thanks Connie!

It is hard. My husband is 79, but we've only been married for 21 years - yet we've been together for 29 years. He is going through some of the same problems now, yet in the midst, he'll turn to me and say, "I'm not stupid! I have a Ph.D., for heaven sakes!" - out of his own frustration over his confusion. He'll wake up at midnight and think it's morning. On a Wednesday he thinks it's Friday. Once, he got dressed in the middle of the night, ready to go to work. It was the middle of a Saturday night. I don't think he'll be cognizant enough to go to work much longer and that scares me. He often said the day he can't work is the day he's dead.
He's much larger than I am, and I don't have the physical strength to help him at times. Like when he can't move. His brain is telling him to move, but his body won't respond. His doctor thinks maybe a combination of dementia - old age type - and mini strokes. He'll be in pain all day, but forget to take his pain medication. My whole life right now revolves around him, and while some may say that's good, it isn't. I am rapidly wearing myself out, and my ability to produce an income is suffering - and that is NOT good if we eventually will be depending on what I make.

Oh Jeanne. I am so so sorry. My mom said the same thing before the dementia really took hold. She said, I was top of my class and graduated high school when I was 16. I have my Masters! And I told her dementia has nothing to do with intelligence.

Does his healthcare cover any help for you? Anyone who could come in and give you a break?

He's on medicare - that's all the healthcare "we" HAVE -meaning - "he" has. I am 56 - not old enough..lol.
I watched my mother deteriorate for a few years before she died when she turned 81...my husband is 79.
It's like - they are aware that once they were intelligent, vibrant humans - my husband is now a shell of his former self.

The ideal would be someone who could come in and care for him so I can work from home in peace - or have a place he can go to so I can stop running and fetching and doing. As our sex life is non-existent, and real conversations are rare - I'd be better off visiting him.

I will end up dead before him, otherwise. Love is one thing - slow suicide another. And that's what this feels like.

He should be elgible for daycare. My dad is checking into it next week for my mother. She is only 53, so she was able to get disability. But it took much longer for her to get the benefits of prescription coverage and then something like daycare. He was paying 500 to 600 dollars out of pocket each month for her medication.

We are paying nearly 700 a month for his prescriptions. The last time I checked, one of his prescriptions - the most expensive - is not covered under medicare part whatever it is that is prescription coverage - It doesn't seem worth having a lower s.s. check just to cover the few that would be partly covered.

She had to get MediCAID to get the prescription coverage. Listen, where do you live? I'm sure you've already investigated for help, but I would like to see if I can find something that might help.

We live in Baltimore, Maryland. Don't forget - he's 79 - and gets a fairly hefty s.s. check each month - otherwise, we couldn't manage at all.

I didn't think about how much he gets for SS. My mom's is rather small which may be why she qualifies.

Happy belated anniversary to them

Thank you.

It's so wonderful of your father to care for your mother. Sounds like true love!

This is true love!!! Happy belated anniversary to your parents.