JOKERS AND GROANERS

A DAVE LETTERMAN TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Questions On The Application To Become Mitt Romney's Running Mate

10.Bank account: Swiss or Cayman Islands?
9.Why would Mitt hire you instead of cheaper, foreign labor?
8.Ever shot a hunting buddy in the face?
7.Mind if Mitt's dog rides in your car?
6.Are you willing to strongly support both sides of every issue?
5.What traffic sign best describes the way you make whoopee?
4.Do you promise not to vote for Obama?
3.What's the name of your dancing horse?
2.Have you ever Anthony'd your Weiner?
1.Can Mitt borrow your tax returns?

JAY LENO

Former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is on the move again; he was seen with a 25-year-old woman this weekend. Do you realize he has kids he doesn't know about that are older than that?

Witnesses say Arnold was acting wild and single - which is the first time anyone has ever accused Arnold of acting. I believe that's the first time that's ever happened.

JIMMY KIMMEL

"The boy Scouts of American has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning opening gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions in the organization. Between this and same sex marriage, people really don't want gay people tying knots."

JON STEWART

“In 2012 I realized the company I was CEO of in 1999 did things that would hurt my presidential run in the present, so I retroactively wasn’t there.” – (mocking Mitt Romney’s “retroactive retirement” from Bain Capital)

“I was just the guy with the smoke screenish, yet still legal title of CEO and Managing Director who was paid at least $100,000 a year to do what, according to me, Mitt Romney, was nothing. That’s the kind of common sense business experience I hope to bring to the White House.”

ED DA HEAD TOKER

I hear a politician named Mitt,

who says stuff like a nitwit.

he acts like he is deranged,

and could be insane,

but he is definitely full of bullshit!