Bad Relationships: Knowing When to Walk Out! Chapter Twelve: Endure My Ass...

When I married my ex he swore no wife of his would ever work. We had the kids taken from us by his ex a few months later and I was struggling balancing the budget, paying down debts that were ridiculously large and old. It made sense to me to go back to work with the kids gone and use my paycheck to pay off the bills while we lived on his. It was only going to be temporary.

One month to the day after I got my job, he called me from work saying, "Come and get me. I quit!"

In Alaska you can still get unemployment if you quit, you just have a six week waiting period. I don't remember what he did during that six weeks but he definitely was not looking for work. Next thing I know I'm quitting my job due to the stress and he was all over my case for quitting but I couldn't criticize him for walking off on his job.

I had another job within a week of quitting mine and then he comes into my workplace one day and announces he's opening his own business! With what???? I had to ask. He had finagled some arrangement and insisted that this was going to work. Riiiiiight!

The whole thing was a nightmare from beginning to end. He mismanaged the thing so badly that eventually he had to take on partners and eventually those partners took over the business and he was out on the street again. The guy was a manipulator from day one and when we lost the kids to his ex, it was my fault. Everything was my fault. After two years with him, I had enough. I was such a people pleaser back then and he was never pleased with me. It did a number on me, emotionally and physically...and that wasn't even taking into consideration his physical abuse. It was two years of sheer hell.

After the divorce, he came to see me one day and was crying saying he'd lost everything he cared about. Then he listed his business, his kids and me...in that order. I told him, "You never cared about me." Come to think of it, he never cared about the business or the kids, either. He only ever cared about himself. Total sociopath and pathological liar. I was lucky to escape with my life.

Rayda Renshaw,
Thank you for sharing your story. Honey, everything you disclosed I can relate too and I am happy you lived through that relationship storm. It's nice to be able to laugh later after revisiting the horific history... You are correct emotional abuse can be devastating and when combined with physical battery; it can be deadly. We are challenged to love our way back to a good place after wheathering great storms.

You stated he came back later to discuss his loss; I am so happy you had closed that door realizing as you stated,"You never cared about me. Come to think of it, he never cared about the business or the kids, either."

You realized that "He only ever cared about himself. Total sociopath and pathological liar. I was lucky to escape with my life."

All we ever can be greatful for is being alive. We only are provided with one life and our higher power deserves the credit for that; not our partner, so protect it and respect it! Thank you my friend for sharing your story and cheers to growth...

Amen, my friend. I thank God every day that I escaped that bad situation in the face of my family's disapproval. My mother was wonderful through it all and I drew even closer to her because of it. I thank God for her!

This is a statement worth repeating Rayda; "Thank God for Mother's..." Amen!

One has to wonder how they were raised. If you are going to be a doormat don't be surprised when they walk all over you..

People who are doormats were never empowered as children and oftentimes had abusive parents. My own parents were good people but they were also abusive and never instilled any sense of self-esteem in me. I had to go through my tumultuous marriage to learn to take care of me...and even then, because I was an adult, the lesson was slow in coming and took even more experiences before I could solidify my own self-respect and confidence enough to stand on my own two feet and not be a doormat anymore. Don't be so quick to judge. No one chooses to be a doormat.

I wasn't judging. It was an observation. If they realized they were being a doormat then they would be more likely to do something about it. If they had a friend who would observe how they were being treated they would be more likely to accept their input, and then maybe they would do something about it. Many people in that situation either have no friends or their friends are too scared to say something for fear of losing the friendship or out of a desire not to interfere.

Your right, many people in those situations have no friends. Why? Either because the abuser isolates them or they just don't know how to make friends. Alot of those people are either far away from their families. So they can't help but want to. That was my situations. I was dumb enough to let a man talk me in to moving miles away from my family.

Right now I have a friend in an abusive relationship. He is a piece of crap. I give her support every day and encourage her to leave him and she would be better off on her own.

My ex actually ran to my own sister to complain about what a rotten wife I was. She took his side against me and scolded me for being so ungrateful to him! Abusers systematically isolate their victims from any support system they might have. It's so important to be there for each other and to help each other in these situations, even if the person we talk to is alienated, we must take that chance or the next time we see them may be at their funeral.

Greetings to ALL...
Isolating the victims from their connections is crucial when attempting to gain control over them. We are all guilty of wanting others to believe we are happy and fulfilled in our relationships, so when you are being mentally or physically abused it may make you feel like a failure. Victims may be embarrassed to disclose that they are being beaten by their mate, because they than may be subjected to questions, such as why don't you leave or why do you tolerate the abuse? Questions of that nature may cause the victims more distress, because they may not fully understand the reasons for remaining in what otherwise would be a stable relationship; if they were not being subjected to maltreatment. Some victims may fear the unknown; perceived or real financial hardships, perhaps they have been brain washed into believing they can't survive without the batterer...

I agree with Rayda statement; "It's so important to be there for each other and to help each other in these situations, even if the person we talk to is alienated, we must take that chance or the next time we see them may be at their funeral."

It is important to leave the door of help open; even if the victim has returned to the partner multiple times. Studies indicate that victims return home to their partners and negative situations 7 or 8 times, before finally leaving for good. Remember, there is psychological scaring, fear, hope for change, children involved and the victim often loves their partner and want the relationship to work, so don't make the victim feel even less worthy, because they have hope and want to be happy and loved; it's what we all want to achieve and it takes time to realize self love and self preservation are key in obtaining that which is sought. SO BE A FRIEND AND SUPPORT SYSTEM...

Brojer you are correct; how a person is raised may determine how they treat others.

I am separated from my estrange husband, I live in a different state and currently have a boyfriend.

I was shot by my estrange husband. It was an accident. But now i wonder, was it really? I am disabled because of it. We moved from Ohio to Florida when weeks of me being shot. It took a year fighting with an insurance company to cover any costs, because they wanted to say pre exsisting. I had no medical treatment in that time. I can only assume the lack of medical treatment in a timely manner is what caused me to become disabled. With in two years of moving to Florida, My van was hit in the rear end as I was at a dead stop. This caused more problems. I could not work, I have been officially disabled by three doctors from two different states.

My estrange husband and his father would tell me to get a job.
Even after moving back to Ohio (my home state), my estrange husbands mistress and current fiance' would message me on Facebook and ask me if I am doing so well in Ohio, why couldn't I help my estrange husband while living in Florida? I ask her what she was smoking because I was on welfare at the time and how was I living good when my estrange husband wasn't paying any of the court ordered support. Instead he quit his high paying job and went back to school. Which he finish in October, and went on unemployment...still hasn't found a job. I couldn't work because he shot and disabled me.

Both are leeches. You can't claim you love your kids but never seen them but call them from time to time and try and make the kids give the other parent guilt trips because he refuses to travel to Ohio. He thinks I should take the kids to him....not going to happen.

MZZZ Sweet, thank you for sharing such a tragic yet, heart felt story. You stated that your estranged husband shot you; causing you to become disabled. You stated that even after the abuse he, his mistress and fiance wanted you to financially support him? Your response: " I ask her what she was smoking because I was on welfare at the time and how was I living good when my estrange husband wasn't paying any of the court ordered support. Instead he quit his high paying job and went back to school. Which he finish in October, and went on unemployment...still hasn't found a job. I couldn't work because he shot and disabled me." I must add your response was fitting.

Further you are correct that partners who fall short in visiting their children, leeching off others and display an extreme lack of responsibility are "leechers." I can tell that you are a strong woman and a surviver. Thank you for sharing your story. I would like to use it in my book, where I will share a few stories from past and current victims. I believe your ability to endure such a crisis and evolve may inspire current victims - let me know/ And thank you my friend...

You are more than welcome to use my story in your book.

Thank you, I know I am a strong woman. I had to be in the long run for my kids sake.

Greetings Mzzz Sweets and thank you for allowing me to include your story in my book. Should I use your profile name? You stated;"I know I am a strong woman. I had to be in the long run for my kids sake." Many victims ultimately free themselves from abusive situations to protect their children, so many praises for your wisdom and mother instinct...

Yes, you can use my profile name or my real name. It doesn't bother me. It is Sandy Segur.

My oldest boy who moved back home to Ohio who is currently living with me to has made a comment that he doesn't remember the last time I was so calm. I smiled.

Getting out of a bad situation helped calm me and my kids alot. Takes away alot of the stress and worry.

Mzzz Sweets-Sandy, you definately have a spot in the book. I also agree with your statement; "Getting out of a bad situation helped calm me and my kids alot. Takes away alot of the stress and worry."

I just wish i would have walked out alot sooner than what I did.

Rayda, your story was very appealing and I would like to use it in my upcoming book: Bad Relationships: Knowing When to Walk Out. I would not use your full name, but I believe your story would be inspiring. I have a small section at the end of the book where I post comments from past and present victims; also comments from supporters of non-violent relationships. Please let me know? If others have an appealing story, please share your summary with me for consideration. Send reply to latonyawrites@hotmail.com In advance, I thank you all and I am happy you broke that cycle of mistreatment.