:) Randee's Clean Jokes Of The Day 7/23/12 (:

Joanne, one of my neighbors, and I were talking about vacations we have been on before. She had a good one to tell. . . . . . .

Here's her story. . . .

Last summer, her husband, Bill, took her camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees, there was no moss; direction of the sun, it was an overcast day. Just as Joanne was beginning to panic, Bill spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led them right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," Joanne said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."

anyways . . .

Are you ready for your daily chuckles ? ? ?

Here are a some jokes for you today....

: )...snickers.....

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

:}

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

:)

Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?

--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

Results below...

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.

--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.

--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)

: )

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

:)*hahaha*

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

bonus time again . . .

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, one of his sons who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Randee NoOne . . .

The Court Jester

of LaLaLand . . .

:}

 *hahaha*