What We Say To Our Parents

I'm certainly not trying to offend anyone...

You are not offending me. It is an interesting post. I guess for me it would depend upon what life challenges I am facing. If dementia is my lot I would most probably accept being talked to like that.

Interesting view. I hadn't gone there yet.

I think it would depend on my mood at the time.

I don't believe my mood would allow me to let them speak to me that way. I don't think so...

Guess I'm from the "Old school". I believe in respect, and doing what you have to do. Sometimes, that involves keeping your mouth shut while taking care of business and letting the chips fall where they may. I firmly belieive that if I were in a bad way with faculties in tact, my children would have free range to make me as comfortable as possible. I would be most gratefrul.

I totally agree with Rosa's comment.

I understand Rosa. I pray I can be that gracious.

Well Mylinda, it goes a little further than being gracious. Evidently, I am missing something here. Personally, I think the children talked too much, They should have taken appropriate action and let that be it. Then, what could the parents do except make themselves sicker...I am not a river, but i certainly have no problem with taking the path of least resistance especially when it is plain as day that I am outnumbered. To me, that is called common sense...

Tim, thank you for reading and really digesting my point. Your reply tells me that you actually thought about the reply before responding. Thanks, again. I fail to undersstand why facing facts is being seen as"disrespect", especially when it is not handled in a rude manner.

Rosa I think you misunderstand. I hope I can be so gracious as to keep my mouth shut. :)

Now, I see mylinda. Pardon my misunderstanding, ha, ha, ha. I know whatcha mean:)

Nope. I wouldn't put up with it for a minute. I wouldn't dare talk like that to my mother. The way I see it, if I wouldn't say it to my mother, they better not say it to me!

I'm with you. Although I understand that sometimes adult children have to step in and take care of things at some point. They don't have to speak to me disrespectfully and (lol) that time better be when I can't get up.

Hahaha! Me too!

I agree with you and Ann. No matter what the circumstances I would never be disrespectful to my parents. I've raised my kids in a way that I can't even imagine them being disrespectful to me. Even if I had dementia and they had to do things I would fuss about, they would do it as gently and respectfully as they possibly could.

She never said this was not done gently and respectful.

Weellll, everyone should have the right to complain. And not like it when they are getting older and/or sicker...

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, it gets frustrating.

It's wrong towards anyone if they don't treat you badly.

I agree with you on this VJ. Parents owe it to their children to treat them with kindness and respect, and children owe the same to their parents. Anytime this becomes imbalanced, it is wrong.

I still should have the right to complain and be unhappy. Maybe not all the time but some of it. I also have the right for adult children to speak to me respectfully. I have and will continue to do my part to help them. yoI go beyond my part when I can. They can help me nicely as well.

I don't think I would take it.

Not like that, anyway.

I would say something to my boys.

Yes ma'am.

It is tough when kids turn in to grown ups and have different opinions...

It is tough but it's a pleasure. I enjoy their independence. I also ask for a little respect...

Hmmmmmm, it sounds rather disrespectful to me.......the "kids" should have cleaned the house but kept their mouths shut........plus, do they really have the right to be throwing stuff out, whatever they want? What about the parents and their feelings? Maybe the kids should have had a long talk with their parents before they just go in and start pitching....anything and everything.
I would never have thought of talking to my parents like that.......no way! Guess i was just brought up differently and much "stricter." I would never allow our adult son to speak to me that way, either.

When I was a child, I thought as a child, when I became grownup, I put away childish things. Somehow, your comment reminds me of this passage. It is not at all uncommon for an altered mindset to desire things that are not good, whether parents or not. My comment as you have quoted, came from that perspective and I continue to stand by my it. I too, was brought up very strict and taught to use a type of judgement that can be sometimes tought. The parent of two very responsible adults who serve their communities better than well. I too, was raised very strict, and was taught to make "sound" judgement in "tough" cases, to evaluate situations and work for the greater good, may the things you consider to be "disrespectful" serve you in a productive manner. Have a great weekend.

Yes, Nora I agree. Doing it without the words might have been better. What were the parents going to do? Complain? Maybe, but the work would have been done. I like my stuff...I don't know.

Years ago when I had a burst appendix I was grateful to had an adult child of mine visit and their spouse volunteered to help me sort through my stuff... and I agreed to many things going to a thrift store. When my husband looked in the bags of stuff being donated that were put in the back of our van he also found blankets I knitted and other items I did not say could go. I was heart broken and felt betrayed. It took a lot of time and effort to make the blankets and I can no longer knit. One blanket was a gift to my husband years ago when we were first married and my husband was furious.

No never again. I will never ever play that "game" again. I have moved twice since then and I've given a lot away to charity. I try to give stuff as often as I can.

I think in cases of hoarding and the stuff is identifiable as garbage... like empty cereal boxes, ...I think professional help should be used.

When I was a child I would come home to find out my toys and comic books were missing. My late mother would tell me she gave them to the garbage men for his 5 kids. We always had garbage men, where ever we lived that had 5 kids who needed my things.. my bike, my comic books... but oddly never anything of my sisters or anyone else in the house. So yea, I am a very good hearted person... and very caring and sharing... but I like to be involved... and not surprised like when I came home from school.

Only my youngest has a key... There really is no reason for anyone else but the people who live here to have one.

Heather, it seems that you were stable to make these decisions, and this is a good thing. When folk discount "stable" folk, this is "disrespect" for me whether it be a parent or not. When folk permit those who are obviously incapable of making the best decision on their own behalf take the lead, this is insensitive and the same principle as "the blind leading the blind". IMHO. When we really love our parents, we always work in their best interest, and sometimes working in their best interest means making decisions for the parent that the parents that the parents have lost the capacity to make. To me, this is called "tough love".

I took care of my parents before they each died and it was so difficult for my Dad to have to yield. He was always in charge and in control... and he had to be "guided" into the changes. At one point I just took him from the hospital to my home to a room my husband and I fixed up for him. He tried to throw me and the visiting nurse out of his home and got combative... and she called for an ambulance .... he was already bedridden but he would not eat or allow me to take care of him.. He was baker acted. When he was released was time for me to "take" charge, but I just told him we fixed up a room because he was so very sick and it would be easier. It was hard to take care of him in his home and be away from my family... and it was the best choice for everyone. I realized he could not throw me out of my own home. He did however throw out a physical therapist.... :) Yea, he was a character. That was another story.

I think he accepted living with us but I think he thought he would get better and go home one day. He was dying... and it was a difficult day when he realized he was getting worse as time went on...and wasn't going home.

I really think "professionals" sometimes need to be "involved" because of the structure already existing in relationships. Yes, with people who are hoarders, common sense says it's unhealthy etc, but it can be more successful with therapy and professionals involved to help completely stop the hoarding whether it's garbage or animals. It is more than often a behavior triggered by something else and many times it's overwhelming to the person with the problem. Many times when a parent dies, people wind up with stuff they don't want, don't need, but can't throw away... and often they don't even know why. I know I had boxes of papers that were no longer needed that my Dad had kept of a life time of papers... I took it out of his home because my sister arranged for the real estate agent to deal with the contents I left and I felt it wasn't hers to do, but yet what was I to do with this stuff???

But hoarding can be a matter of opinion. I know a woman who got married and was horrified to find out her husband threw out her magazines... he did not like "clutter" he said and felt it was "hoarding" -One man's trash is another man's treasure... and like my "helpful" visitors... they helped a little too enthusiastically.

What people don't understand about me is when other people have needed stuff, I have many times been able to step in and give them what they needed.... because I have extra. I once gave someone everything but the beds they slept on and the clothes they wore to help out create a "new" home... because all they had was their beds and clothing...

I think though when it comes to other people one has to be diplomatic. I know of a wealthy retired lawyer whose two daughters got him to go up the Chicago. He might have been elderly but his mind was sharp and he only went because they said they wanted him to live with them. Instead of being part of their lives they stuck him in a nursing home and filed the paperwork to take over his money. He was old but not ill. He made some calls and a younger friend who was a real estate agent not only flew up and took him out for a "ride" thus helped him escape the nursing home... For doing this he got the listing to sell the lawyers million dollar home in Florida. I have no doubt he changed his will. And this is the problem sometimes... the daughters were not looking at their father as being capable of minding his own affairs... and wanted control of his money. I had an Aunt who lived on her own until she was 100 and she was still as sharp as anyone else.

I was raisied to speak my mind, no matter what was said, as long as it was in good taste. I told my folk this is how it is and they live with it,, and they did, Family more important then hoarding stuff not needed.. so do what is needed and they will adjust

Wow, I don't get to get on the computer alot and I finally have gotten to read all of these. I agree with so many of you on so many different levels. Ya'll have all given me things to think about. I go back and forth on this one...