Mitt Romney's Undocumented Origin - Is He Even a Legal US Citizen?

It is known that Mitt Romney's ancestors fled the US to escape the rulings against the polygamous lifestyle that the Mormons were known to embrace. Whether they did this in an attempt to populate the world with Mormons by reproduction or so that old men could continue to practice their pedophilia desires for teen-aged brides, we can't be certain. But facts are facts, even the ones that people fabricate these days, and there is tangible proof the Romney-Pratt marriage that produced Mitt's father in 1907 did take place and that the family lived in Chihuahua, Mexico before the Mexican Revolution in 1910 made them feel unsafe and longing for the protection of their United States.

When they fled Mexico, the Romneys strapped to the top of their car the family pet, an ugly, foul-tempered mutt named Spot. Unknown to them, Spot was actually a chupacabra, but since, like good Americans, while living in Mexico to evade US law, they never learned to speak Spanish, and they thought they'd purchased a chihuahua pup with a pedigree instead of a beast with a warning label. The plan was to breed the heck out of Spot and sell the puppies as exotic pets.

Spot lived a good, long life despite never turning out to be breeding stock. He had a tendency to kill anything put in the mating pen with him. The Romneys could not understand why this "dog" wouldn't die and in an attempt to get rid of him, Spot was presented as a wedding gift to George Romney, the youngest son, when he successfully married into money.

The soothing voice of the new Mrs. Romney, who gave up a promising acting career to breed Mormons, mellowed old Spot out a great deal. As the gnarled, old fellow began to respond to her words, Mrs. Romney decided to create a "Beauty and the Beast" scenario to cushion the loss of her acting career. She would spend afternoons reciting and reading to Spot and from there a deep, loving friendship grew. Drawing on the polygamous teachings of her youth, Mrs. Romney secretly took Spot as her second husband.

Ah, well, children were born and as they grew, they had characteristics that were unexplained by both sides of the family. The youngest, Mitt, was especially suspect. While he's never been caught with dead livestock, his preferred method of making money is to suck dry the assets of a struggling business, a trait that could be of chupacabra origin. Until he provides detailed DNA tests and scientific proof, I'll be forced to believe he is the son of a goat sucker.