MODERN WISDOM NUMBER 164 JULY 2012

MODERN WISDOM: AMERICA'S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
NUMBER 164
JULY 2012
Copyright 2012 Francis DiMenno
http://dimenno.gather.com
dimenno@gmail.com

AND NOW... MODERN WISDOM PRESENTS:

1. ROLE CONTEMPLATORS, INGENIOUS VERBALISTS, & FALSE INFORMERS
2. HOMICIDE MOON
3. LIBERATING GODS
4. EPISTEMOLOGICAL SUPERMEN
5. ALWAYS REHEARSING THE SAME FEW DREAMS
6. NOTICES OF EPHEMERAL HAPPENINGS
7. I LOVE YOU, MR. FLY
8. BURIED INTENSITIES
9. THE LONG-SHOT ORGASM
10. UNDEVOUT SKEPTICISM
11. PARRHESIASTES
12. I LIKE TO SING WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING
13. THE NIGHT MAN
14. FINITE GODISM
15. EVERYTHING CHANGES TOO FAST AND EVERYTHING STAYS THE SAME
16. KILL THE SKY
17. THE HAPPY FEIST
18. HEY THAR, YOCHAI BAR
19. INVERTED TOTALITARIANISM
20. PARTICIPATORY FASCISM
21. SALADBAR THE CLOWN
22. MOONBAT MATINEE
23. THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP
24. THE TEACUP ANIMAL COLLECTOR
25. BODIES IN MOTION
26. HEROIN? NO, IT'S PALMOLIVE
27. KING MOB
28. ANYONE CAN GROW UP TO BE PRESCIENT
29. CONTINUOUS SOFT HITS TO THE BRAIN
30. GOLDFINGER, FRANKENSTEIN, AND THE LITTLE MERMAID
31. IRON CORN
32. PEARL ALAMO
33. TOO SANE FOR MY OWN GOOD
34. KILLER KONGRESSMAN
35. HUCKLEBERRY FINNEGAN'S WAKE
36. SUPERGOOD
37. MIRACULOUS MULTIPLICITY
38. I HATE ASSHOLES
39. EAGER HERO
40. SUNNY BRUTALITY
41. MISAPPROPRIATED FRAGMENTS OF ANTIQUITY
42. SINNER DEATH
43. THE LAST LIBRARY
44. THE HERMENEUTICS OF SUSPICION
45. TOO SMART TO WRITE & TOO DUMB TO PERFORM
46. ONE OF THE FIREWORKS BOYS
47. FOREIGN INTONATIONS
48. THE DAYS WHEN BIRDS COME BACK
49. A THING THAT SHOULDN'T BE
50. LOST IN THE CHAOS OF BURIED TITLES

HEARTWARMING INSPIRATIONAL SIGNPOSTS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY: A DEVOTIONAL CALENDAR

Opening Prayer.
Lord, I pray each night that Thou please maketh me more like my favorite breakfast eggs and ensure that in the future my brains will never be fried, but merely scrambled.

JANUARY
1. "Mommy," said my daughter, Suzie, "Teacher says that today is the first day of the rest of our life." I turned to her and said, "Suzie--teacher needs to lay off the brown acid."

2. Cleaning up the Christmas tree is nobody's favorite chore. Especially when you're hung over and the stale piney aroma makes you gag. When I finally finished the filthy chore, Little Suzie held up an ornament and said, "Mommy! You forgot the little drummer boy!" I turned to her and said, "Suzie--here's a little secret--that little drummer boy was a stage hog."

3. The hallucinations I was having while coming off a serious absinthe bender were a source of great consternation to my family. My mother took me aside and suggested that I pray to Jesus. I told her that I was an atheist, and that, furthermore, it was her infernal meddling that first inspired me to chase 'The Green Fairy'. I then went up to my special 'quiet room' in the attic and drooled with satisfaction as I poured the precious emerald green fluid over a perforated spoonful of sugar into a glass of water. I glowed with satisfied anticipation as the wonderful beverage then turned into an opaque white as the essential oils precipitated out of the alcoholic solution. "There's my Jesus," I whispered. "There He is. Right here."

4. My Mom told me that rather than snapping at the absinthe bottle, maybe I should try waking up at 5am and praying to God. So I compromised. I stayed up until 5AM and prayed to God...for more of that wonderful, wonderful absinthe.

5. I was rushing around completing various errands when I walked into the local fast food joint and found that the manageress was a young and busty lady--now not quite so young--whom my oldest son had been quite sweet on during his senior year of high school. She told me that I should take time "to stop and smell the coffee." In a moment of deep reflection, I patted myself on the back for having told my sinful oldest son about condoms. "Because three generations of imbeciles," I sighed, "are enough."

6. When great-grandpa lay a-dying, he feebly lifted himself up from his bed of pain and told us to burn his all his papers. And then he cursed us as "a lot of putrid swine whose spines are made of jelly," and, with his dying breath, he expressed the wish that we all would join him soon--in hell. Following his sparsely-attended funeral, we stood in the back yard and burned his possessions in a big bonfire. A shotgun shell suddenly exploded and nearly pierced my husband's heart. "Isn't that sweet," I said. "Great Grandpa ALMOST got his wish!"

7. After getting good and liquored up while the men were in the living room watching football, I decided to take the family car for a spin. While I was backing it up, I hit the accelerator instead of the brake and backed down the driveway at about 40 miles an hour. The family dog, who was tied to a post next to his doghouse, barked furiously. With shaking hands I put the car into drive and slowly eased my way back into the garage. I then put the car in park, turned off the ignition, got out of the car and tip-toed back into the house. The family was so engrossed in the big game that nobody had heard a thing. As I sneaked back to my room, I said to myself, "Drinking and driving is fun. I think I'll try it again, when I turn 11."

8. I was thinking about Jesus and practicing some fancy trick shooting when all of a sudden my horse whinnied. Unbeknownst to me, my enemy, Black Bronson, was a-sneaking up on me while I was taking pot-shots at tin cans. Wouldn't you know it-- my shot went wild, the bullet pinged off'n an oak tree, drilled that Black Bronson right between the eyes, and he fell down face first, stone cold dead. That got me to thinking. Have I been missing out on opportunities to pray to Jesus? Black Bronson doesn't think so. He's dead. And neither does the posse, who came to string me up for murder. They even SUGGESTED that I say my prayers!

9. My friend Hank was slow. He was also none too bright. But he was determined. Determined to win the contest for the world's biggest idiot. But he only came in second. Why? Because he was STUPID!

10. I've heard some interesting stories by asking people how they came by their names. I asked the Sheriff's Deputy how he came to be called Fraidy Cat McFear. But before I could beat the answer out of him, he ran away.

11. When I was very young, I had my very first sleepover at Bozo's house. I was so excited that I ran over to him and said, "You know, Bozo, I really really love you!" He pushed me away and said, "That's a Bozo no-no." Just then, the police burst down the door. Poor Bozo!

12. Our family was known far and wide for having the most brilliant Christmas decorations. Unfortunately, it was because they kept all their festive decorations on display until July 4th.

13. I lost my left eye in a baseball accident, but I couldn't be happier. Because I am a big Pirates fan, and the eye patch earns me admiring glances at all the ball games!

14. Sometimes the best way to lead a lynching party is by breaking out the hats and festive balloons!

15. I'll bet if Jesus ever came back, the guys he'd really want to meet would be Ernest and Julio Gallo, so he could pump them for further tips on how to make some cheap-ass wine.

16. The kids in the classroom all gaped at me with awe as I described the quaint world of February 22nd, 1969. Trouble is, it was February 23rd, 1969. Each and every one of those kids was stoned out of their gourds!

17. My "Hubby" asked me if I would like to take a trip to Mexico City to sift through garbage dumps as part of an article he was planning to write on third world squalor. I must admit, I was initially skeptical. But, once we got there, I huffed some gasoline and industrial solvents with some of the street children, and before I blacked out I saw a rainbow--a wonderful rainbow--God's promise to Noah!

18. I think that if God were to give me a report card, I'd get an "A" for humility... and an "A+"...for sanctimonious posturing!

19. I thought long and hard today about my various neuroses and concluded that if I can perpetuate the same superstitious savagery that has plagued my family for untold generations, then their legacy will never truly die.

20. At the age of 25, I remember getting down on my knees to ask God whether I should play barrel-house piano in a cat-house, or run for Congress. I remember as if it were yesterday His booming reply: "Six of one...half a dozen of another."

21. I was stuck in the local jailhouse charged on a totally bogus drunk driving beef, when my cellmate, a wise old hobo, offered me some pruno he had brewed up from old ketchup and mustard packets. This encounter with my nameless friend certainly warmed what might otherwise have been a long and chilly day!

22. When I pray to God, am I like a five year old--shy, needing my mother? Am I like a seven year old--stiff, self-conscious, overwhelmed by expectations? Or am I like a ten year old--prematurely ancient, burdened by the dawning knowledge that my parents and their heedless generation have forgotten to leave some pie for me, and ice cream, for when I grow old enough to worry about all the pie and ice cream melting in the freezer case because I'm too damn poor to pay my electric bill and now the power is--

23. I was stuck in a tornado the other day but luckily I knew enough to hide under my house in the crawl space and just as I was thanking my God, who should I come face to face with but a member of the Manson family who had vowed some 40 years ago to "get" me? Guess I was a little too quick on the draw there with that "prayer of gratitude" stuff!

24. What is it anyway with that Toyota truck commercial playing heavy metal music that's better and catchier than any song which has charted in the last 18 years? Maybe they should have a radio station that plays nothing but music from the latest, catchiest commercials! I'll bet it would catch on like wildfire! And then maybe someone would give me money for coming up with this splendidly original idea!

25. I was standing in the middle of a lecture hall, trying to give a speech about how the damn gummint ought to be thrown out on their ass, only I didn't have a microphone and some children nearby were screaming with glee on a tilt-a-whirl and the next thing I knew the police were arresting me because it wasn't really a lecture hall and I was maybe waving my gun around just a little bit and also, I was naked.

26. It is only spiritual pride that prevents ghosts from telling us, not only that they were wrong to haunt us, but also, that they are dead.

27. Life is full of surprises and so God tells us we should take it one day at a time, unless we're on death row, and it's Sunday night, and the execution is Monday morning, at dawn, in which case maybe we should take it one minute at a time.

28. Grampaw says that any boy can grow up to be President. But then again, Grampaw also says that any Chinaman who eats peas with a fork ought to be horsewhipped in the town square.

29. Sometimes I lay in bed half asleep wondering what the world would be like if I were the only one who realized just what an awesomely great world-class intellect I alone possess. And then I wake up--and discover that I AM the only one. No wonder I drink!

30. Pious Grandpa got to the point where the only two things he would say in response to any question were "Oh bless me," and "Thank you thank you." But I knew it was all a ruse. I knew that he was scheming to kill us all--so he could steal my collection of gold coins!

31. My innermost bedroom is heated electrically, while the rest of the house usually remains unheated. On cold winter days I like to lounge around in my bed in silk pajamas and imagine that I'm the devil...while everybody else in all the other rooms are frozen angels...in hell!

FEBRUARY
1. I noted the inner-city squalor of a run-down section of our town with children wandering barefoot in the street and I said to myself, "Lord--how can such things be?" But then I saw the same people hanging around down at the laundromat, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcoholic beverages, and fornicating, and so I figured God knew what he was doing, because at least they were all wearing clean, warm clothing.

2. I went to see the Gypsy and said, "Don't you get tired of reading those stupid Tarot cards all the time?" And she mumbled something about how actually, she was reading me, and, furthermore, foolish people who joke about the supernatural often suffer a dire fate. And then I'm not sure what she said next, because all of a sudden everything grew fuzzy and when I woke up it was midnight, I was laying in a dumpster, all my money was gone, and she and her Gypsy family had skipped town!

3. God knew that the children would be delighted if we had a White Christmas. But we were not delighted. We were in Mexico City, on our honeymoon.

4. I had a toothache that was driving me crazy, so I went to see my dentist, who was a Christian. As he prepared to drill, he suggested I pray. I looked at him with a twinkle in my eye and said, "Prayer is good, Doc--but ketamine is better."

5. As my dentist sat me down in the chair, he thought to make some small talk and so he started to tell me some story about how his kid had just gotten on the football team. At this point, I turned to him, snapped my fingers and said, "Yo! Doc! Less flapping your gums--more ketamine!"

6. As the dentist was probing in the back of my mouth, he noticed that my gag reflex was being activated. "Oh," he said, "You're a gagger." I looked at him and said, "And you're a tooth jockey who couldn't get into medical school--but let's not talk about that now. How's about making with them drugs--chop chop!"

7. "I have some good news for you," said the dentist. "The tooth can be saved." I looked at him sharply. "The tooth can be saved," I said, "But have YOU been saved?"

8. As I was sitting in the chair preparing to have my mouth worked on, I asked, "Do you like being a dentist?" My dentist smiled, and, with a merry twinkle in his eye, he replied, "It's a boring line of work." I smiled back, and, with a twinkle in my eye, I responded, "By the way...about that ketamine...."

9. The Doc finally gave me the shot and as I lounged back in the chair, he grinned and said, "Oh well. Heh heh. Drill we must." I looked at him and asked, "I don't suppose you have any earplugs, do you?"

10. The dental work was finally done and the Doc told me that I probably shouldn't try to drive and asked me if I had anybody to come and pick me up and take me home. I began to cry and said, "I haven't got a home! I was hoping I could stay and live here." The dentist gave me a long considered look and finally said, "Let's pray about it." From the corner of his mouth, he hissed to the nurse, "Call Security."

11. I checked my Facebook and found that I had gotten a message from a girl I had a mad crush on in business school. She wrote that she always shops at Walmart because she figures we might has well take advantage of cheap Chinese slave labor while we still can. I said to myself, "She thinks exactly the same way I do. Maybe we should get back in touch."

12. My grandmother always tried to impress on me the fact that God answers your prayers. Well, now I'm a corporate lawyer who has MORE money than God. But I do take grandma's advice. "You have to pray," she said. Pray, prey--whatever.

13. I was always different when I was in high school...I was dyslexic, I had a hare-lip and a limp, and I also had something of a weight problem. So I threw myself into computers. But I wasn't any good at that either. So now I go to the public library and pretend to read The Bible...and giggle. Just a little.

14. I'm thinking of a tale of an 86 year old man and his wife of 70 years. He's in the hospital, recovering from an operation, and she's staying in his room with him, awaiting his recovery. Isn't it wonderful that the hospital gave her a discount hotel rate on the occupancy of her wooden bench!

15. Maybe statues of Jesus should come with a warning Label: Caution: Worshiping this messiah does not mean you are any better than somebody who worships some other messiah. But no, that would be dumb, because, of course, I guess everybody already knows that.

16. My son Clarence loves to read the beloved comic strip "The Gumps". However, I have lately noticed that his chin is beginning to recede. Maybe I ought to switch him to "Gasoline Alley"!

17. As a prominent financier, I try every day to be more like Jesus--only instead of walking on water, I walk on people.

18. I really enjoy driving all over town on little errands in which I don't really manage to accomplish very much. Or at least, I would enjoy it, if only they would let me out of here.

19. I asked God, "Am I less spiritual than others?" And He replied, "90 per cent of being spiritual is just showing up." Obviously, I was confusing Him with Vince Lombardi. Sweet Confusion!

20. It was the day before the big President's Day sale at the local furniture store, but I wasn't thinking about the Presidents. I was in a holding cell, awaiting trial for trying to smuggle Macaws in my underwear.

21. I am thankful for all the neighbors who came by this winter and shoveled my walk. I am even more grateful that I didn't have to pay them. (Thanks, J.C. You'll get your cut on Sunday.)

22. My friend asked me what I was going to do to observe Lent. I told him my resolution. "This year, I'm not going to wear a hair shirt. I'm going to BE a hair shirt."

23. I like to think of Our Savior Jesus as being a lot like the Big Bad Wolf, only with one difference--He'll Huff...and He'll Puff...and He'll Blow Your Mind.

24. About a year ago, I decided to write down all my random little thoughts about spiritual matters and broadcast them, unsolicited, out into the world. The results have far exceeded my expectations! I didn't expect anybody at all to notice them, and yet I know for a fact that my parole officer is an avid reader of these "daily gems"!

25. What you don't read in the Bible is how the father of the Prodigal Son began to have second thoughts. "Killing the fatted calf and calling the whole family round seems a wee bit...extravagant. Maybe we should just pinch a few beef cracklin's from Mammy's fat gourd and call it a day."

26. Meek? Me? YES! Maybe you scoff, my little friend. After all, do not my neighbors call me 'The Calabrian Strong Boy'? And it is not well known that I can drag a three-hundred pound stone block across a muddy field with my bare hands? And crush a man's head like a walnut? You say that in my "great strength" perhaps it is my so-called "pride" that has built a wall so strong that even I--with my robust brawn--cannot break through it. But who cares! I acknowledge that all my great strength comes from God alone. That makes me meek! MEEK AS HELL! And, say, listen, Mister--I'll smash any bohunk what says different!

27. Whenever I feel low, and I think that I don't have a friend in the world, I finger a little golden key that I have hanging on a string around my neck. It is not one of the fabled Keys to the Kingdom of Heaven. Nothing so mundane! No, it is the Key to a high tower...at the top of which is a secret room...and in that room is a safe...and in that safe, a wonderful tin box...and in that wonderful wonderful tin box is a whole heap of Gold Coins...Flint's Gold! Haw Haw Haw! Rescued with my own two hands from the depths of the briny deep! Friends? Ahrr! I have dozens of Friends, Matey! I call them my Yaller Boys! And they're all my friends! My precious, my shiny and my...golden... Friends! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

28. I've written these Guideposts in asylums, in police stations, in the middle of common street brawls, in taverns, on street corners, and among shiftless loafers and layabouts in homeless shelters and libraries. But mostly in libraries. They got water there! Precious water! And it's FREE!

29. I was in the quaint post office in the old general store right on the outskirts of town when I spotted some newcomers to our neighborhood--a pregnant mother and her two small, towheaded boys--twins, from the looks of it. I greeted the new family to our town with the words, "Welcome to Cross Country Plaza! This is a great place to live! Jesus Loves You!" And as she ran out the door, her pale face and faint smile told me that my whispered message had been received--Loud and Clear!

MARCH
1. I think that the family next door are NOT Christians and I was frightened by the fact that maybe their unbelief might contaminate my family. But I shouldn't have worried. Their dog often leaves his yard and romps with my dog--who is a practicing Christian--and so, sooner or later, I'm sure the whole family will begin to follow the One Way.

2. My aching back is old and creaky and I'm all twisted up with the rheumatiz'. But even though I no longer have the strength to pick up the bulging sack of gold coins and other plunder that I'm hoarding in my special secret room, I can still carry the thought of them in every twisted recess of my labyrinthine mind. And let me tell you something--THAT feels good! It feels GOOD!

3. I don't believe in classifying people as "winners" or "losers". Everybody who has ever taken part is a Star. All things everywhere at all times! All time is the same time! The smallest unit of time is an eternity! An eternity! In fact, you're a Star--simply for having read this. Yay!

4. My little Nephew, a Christian--but not a very good one, I'm afraid--was impatient for the Christmas season to begin because he wanted all his presents. So I took him on my knee and told him that when I was little I was just like him but that when he was a little older he would understand that Christmas comes but once a year, not like all those other treacherous holidays, which like to sneak up on you real sly and EAT YOU UP because you haven't said your prayers and by the way he wasn't really my nephew and is that a police siren?

5. Regrets? I have a few. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life others expected of me. I wish I had worked harder. I wish I'd had the courage to deny my feelings. I wish I hadn't stayed in touch with all my old friends. Most of all, I wish that people would have let me wallow in my misery. Sweet misery!

6. I have a message for all our Spanish friends, and it goes a little something like this. Ahem, listeno, stupido--speak Englisho or go to h-e-double hockey sticks! I know for a Gospel fact that God speaks perfect American and that Our Savior hates people with stupid names like "Jesus."

7. I sent everyone on my Facebook friends list an ad for some inexpensive running shoes made by starving peasants in some third world country you never heard of. I hope my friends all appreciate my thoughtfulness, and that they are grateful to me. I know that, personally, I daily thank my Savior--not only for my fine physical health, but for allowing me, by means of this wise purchase, to bring a few pesos per day to brighten the lives of people who are downtrodden and poor!

8. In every church you see them. The family that is an exemplar to the community. They always arrive five minutes before services start; they're always clean and well-dressed; they always make appropriate responses during the creed of faith. They always have a kind word for everyone, and it is understood that they contribute generously to the church poor fund. A family, in short, that is just like a walking sermon. God, how I hate that family.

9. "God," I asked, as I was walking through the forest. "If you exist, will you give a sign? Anything--so that I might believe?" Just then, a stick fell from a tree and landed right in front of me. So I bowed down and prayed. And I worshiped the stick. Not as a manifestation of God's will--but because I thought it would be really cool to start a religion founded on the worship of a stick!

10. Some see God in the light of the sun; others in the light of the moon. These are heathen beliefs. I see a fine young lady dancing under a hot strobe light and she's not wearing too many clothes, either. That's where I see God!

11. My dog is always glad to see me when I come home from work from a tiring day, and he barks with excitement whenever he sees me reach for the leash! But sometimes the barking gets to be a bit too much, and so I have to reprimand him. This is a valuable insight into the nature of the Christian faith. To a dog, heaven is a thrown stick...and hell is a rolled-up newspaper!

12. I was working on my computer when I had a rather odd thought that perhaps today's young people can "relate" to. Prayers are like a text-only message sent over a dial-up modem. But getting on your knees and thanking God is like a 3-D movie sent over super-zippy wireless connection...straight to the King of Kings!

13. A retirement party was being planned for my husband and so I decided to prepare a slide show for his colleagues at work and, to make people laugh, I also included a few whimsical photos he had stored in the "masquerade party pictures" file on his computer. I had no way of knowing at the time that these were pictures of a black leather fetish ball! But afterward, quite a few people at the party came up to him afterward and told him that they would like to be invited to his next little "black leather wing-ding." And he agreed--enthusiastically! Yes, God DOES indeed work in mysterious ways!

14. I sitting in my car in a parking lot of a shopping plaza in Noxtown, watching the parade of passing strangers, when I noticed that one young man was crossing against the traffic light. Lo and behold, before he had even made it over to the other side of the street, a policeman on a motorcycle pulled up beside him, and wrote him a ticket for jaywalking! I reflected on this and concluded that, just like the police, God is everywhere! How wonderful! (Except for that young man!)

15. Our Christian Indie Rock band BROSEPHUS doesn't worry too much about composing new tunes. We depend upon the Lord for inspiration. That is why all our songs are in the key of G--for God.

16. I was babysitting my young grandson, who was skylarking in the front yard with his pet Saint Bernard dog, Brumus, and setting the whole neighborhood in an uproar with his childish shenanigans. It was all fun and games until Brumus attacked an ice cream cart and tipped it over on its side. But because the clumsy but good-natured Brumus had sent all the frozen treats spilling out onto the street, the upshot was--free frozen treats for all the kiddies! Odd, how one man's catastrophe can turn into a windfall for the wee ones! It reminded me, in its own special way, of the travails of our Savior...on the road to Calvary!

17. There is a lady in China with whom I occasionally correspond. She tells me that the old slogan for Pepsi Cola, "Come Alive!" was once mistakenly translated as "Pepsi will bring your dead ancestors back to life." But WAS it a mistake? Perhaps, in reality, the translator was a secret Christian, seeking to convert a nation of one billion heathens...to the worship of Jesus! (Or Pepsi.)

18. The sight of a pigeon freezing on a window ledge makes me tear up a little. The idea that millions of children will go to bed hungry because their cruel pagan overlords will not release supplies of precious grain to their people makes me weep. And the constant thought that Jesus was beaten to a bloody pulp because he loved mankind--this also makes me shed a tear. I guess you'll conclude that I'm just a big crybaby--but I'm a crybaby for our Lord!

19. Every time I find myself thinking negative thoughts, like why there was to be so much crime and murder in the world, I start in to thinking about how the crime rate always goes down in March, because everybody in the world is indoors watching college basketball. In a way, Jesus is like college basketball...the hoop is his Halo, and the ball is God's grace, the referee is Pontius Pilate, and the coach is God himself. I'm not sure I know where else I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to remind everybody that college basketball is really cool!

20. Every year around tax time I worry that I'm not going to get every single penny that is owed to me by the IRS. But this year, as I was gathering up my receipts, I stopped to meditate and I realized that if God were to hold me to the same standard, hoo boy, I guess I'd be in a pretty pickle! But that doesn't mean I still don't want my money. All of it! NOW!!

21. Every year around Saint Patrick's Day I like to wolf down an overcooked slurry of mashed potatoes and cabbage and onions, all drenched in melted butter. It's an old tradition. Also, it coats my stomach for the serious drinking I intend to do to celebrate this sacred holiday, And every holiday. And, for that matter, every stinking day. So don't bother me. A man can drink, can't he? Say...who are YOU--to judge ME?

22. As I was assessing the forensic evidence from a particularly gruesome series of senseless random slayings, trying to find some rhyme or reason in the awful carnage, I was struck by a sudden revelation. God is the ultimate perp. Because His fingerprints are on everything. Everything! Glory Be! I immediately shared this insight with my supervisor, who told me to go home and take a long rest and, by the way, on the way out, he said, don't forget to leave your service revolver with the Desk Sergeant.

23. I was looking at a little mouse caught in a sticky trap we had set in our pantry and wondering the best way to end the miserable creature's suffering. But did I have the right to end his wee life? After praying to God, I had a sudden inspiration. I took the trap outside into the back yard and poured some vegetable oil all over the miserable trapped animal, who managed to work himself free and scamper away into the neighboring woods. Shakespeare said "The quality of mercy is not strained." He was wrong. Listen to God. God said "The quality of MOUSEY is not strained."

24. You say that my seeing God in the cry of every sparrow and the flutter of every falling leaf means that I am crazy and ought to be locked away. I agree, if by "crazy" you mean "awesome" and if by "ought to be locked away" you mean "must be worshiped as an Avatar!"

25. It is easy to give praise and thanks to God when things are going well. But what about when the going gets rugged? Like, when the TV keeps turning off in the middle of my favorite program for no darn reason I can figure out except maybe it is the devil sent to spite me and what do I shell out the big bucks to get cable for when it seems half the games aren't even being broadcast in my region unless I subscribe to ESPN which I refuse to do because their so-called analysts are condescending and are all a bunch of dang-blasted know-nothing buffoons as far as I'm concerned and so I go to the local bar to watch the game only after awhile they throw me out because I only order a glass of water and never buy anything. But even so, even when this happens, I still try to praise Almighty God. After all, it's not HIS fault!

26. Only today the wise old parish priest came up to me and handed me a brochure which was for some kind of bling-blanged dod-blasted jibberty-jabberty anger management program, which is really ironic because last week I as much as flat out told him that if he ever pestered me again I would hunt him down like a filthy animal and blast his sorry old fly-blown moth-eaten hide to green eternity. He's a brave man, our parish priest--but he should of LISTENED!

27. I've owned several dogs over the course of my life--or maybe I should say that they owned me, heh heh. Truly, I have nothing but grateful praise to God for sending me these noble animals, because, for all their myriad faults, you will never see a dog swinging a lit firecracker on the end of a string and darn near blinding a fella so he has to wear glasses with coke-bottle lenses and live with a face so scarred that he can mostly only go out at night to scrounge around in neighbor's garbage cans and prowl deserted buildings for some scrap copper he can sell in order to pay for dog food. Now, I'm not complaining here--just stating a fact. Praise be His name!

28. From a distance, an exploding atomic bomb looks a lot like an angry mushroom fist poking itself out of the ground and militantly shaking itself at the heavens! It is said that there are enough nuclear bombs in the arsenals of the great powers to destroy the earth several times over. Oh well, I suppose there's nothing like being prepared. But just think of how "The Star Spangled Banner" might sound, if only the British had wielded atomic weapons during the war of 1812! Praise God, they did NOT!

29. It seems to me that there's be an awful lot of talk lately about "Good Government." But why isn't there more talk about "God Government"? Or maybe there is, but somehow I missed it, as I only read newspapers which they let me have when they slide them though my food slot--with all the upsetting articles already neatly scissored out!

30. In my introductory physics class in college, the Professor, who was not a Christian, was discussing the square cube law, which, in short, means that as a shape grows bigger in size, its volume grows faster than its area. "A sixty foot man," the professor said, "would, by definition, be too big to stand up. His leg bones would not support his weight. This law," he added smugly, "applies universally." I raised my hand. "I can think of an exception, Professor," I said. "The Father, The Son, and the Holy Ghost are infinity...cubed." To my surprise...he agreed! And I don't think he was humoring me, either, because after class he said that he was going to discuss my "very interesting idea"...with the Dean of Students! Thank You, Lord!