I was filling out a job application. When I came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" I answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered 'yes' to the last one, was "Why?" I answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
anyways . . .
Are you ready for your daily chuckles ? ? ?
Here are a some jokes Scottee sent me today....
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed, too!"
What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque.
An efficiency expert finished his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
bonus time again . . .
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
The Court Jester
of LaLaLand . . .