Though I'm not a Mormon, I am married to Mitt Romney. When I was about 12 years old, I was promised to Mitt by my Mormon uncle who had run out of daughters and needed to seal a business deal. I've been on the run for most of my life. My hair has been every color of the rainbow. I've changed my name a few times. I even given birth to another man's kids to try to shake Mitt.
The wedding ceremony was held in my absence when I was sixteen, or so I've been told. See, Mitt tracked me down when I was graduating from high school and told me I would be expected at the compound, I think he said it was in Mexico, the following week. Since my parents had objected, Mitt couldn't get his mitts on me until I was of legal age. They believed in their own brand of Christian hoodoo and the Mormons were just too wacky for even them. Plus they'd had a huge fight with my uncle over the remodeling of a kitchen and were certain Joseph Smith was an incarnation of Satan. They did pray for my uncle and his wife though. My aunt and uncle returned the favor by baptizing the entire family into the Church of the LDS without their consent or approval.
I was able to duck Mitt for a few years. I worked in a couple of fast food joints knowing that public wifey, Annie, would have Mitt steam-cleaned if he ever set foot in such a place amongst the eaters of the 39 cent hamburger. I ran off and lived in the foothills of Appalachia for a summer with a bunch of musicians. I met my future ex-husband and had his kids. Even though I could have been taken care of and maybe lived the life of a secret wife of a wealthy man, I seriously doubted if I would be permitted to pursue my hobbies of watching MTV, smoking pot, and doubting the existence of an omnipresent god, so I stayed on the downlow and avoided traveling in the same circles as Mitt.
As luck would have it, he found me again right after I gave birth to my daughter. Mitt showed up at the hospital talking about how he was willing to forgive my transgressions and even raise the children as his own. He said he was concerned for my soul and didn't want to have a wife spending eternity in the great black void, away from Planet Smoothie or wherever Mormons think they go when they die.
I looked him in the face, stifled the urge to vomit, and told him frankly, "Mitt, the baby is black. I don't think you can convince your church elders otherwise. As for your planet- Darth Vader blew Alderon all to hell and it was a tragedy. You need to make other plans and move on. Now call the nurse, I am in need of more Demerol."
Then my big, black future ex-husband showed up and scared the crap out of Mitt. Future ex-husband had just been laid off, and if Mitt would have offered to help pay the baby's expenses, I'm sure we could have reached some sort of deal. If anyone should get the whole concept of plural marriage, it would be Mitt, wouldn't it? Can I get an "amen" on that?
I've kept quiet about our so-called marriage for many years. Now I'm sure I can get out of it once and for all. Mitt's not going to claim me now. How could he? I voted for Obama. I will vote for Obama again. Free at last! Obama frees the sisterwives!
Thanks goes to Bill Maher for outing the wives of Mitt and the Wifers on his show, Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO. If you would like to show support to the Wives of Mitt Romney, please visit our page on Facebook- The Merry Wives of Mitt Romney & the Wifers Who Believe in Them.
For more info on Wifers, see Bill Maher Mocks Birthers