Mother's have a way of calming trouble water's, of easing tense situations. Yesterday when my youngest daughter surprised me a visit for Mother's Day. I could not help not thinking about my own mother. The woman who carried me for nine months and gave me life than threw away. It was filled with mix emotions, my Mother's Day. If there was anything I have learned over the year's it would be nothing I could do or say was going to make my mother accept me. As I embraced my own daughter yesterday, I wonder how it would feel receiving a hug from the woman who gave me life. I never felt nurture from my mom for my mother that I knew growing up was my grandmother. You want to hear something funny: I thought, I don't know my mother and only visited her on several occasions; "I love my mom". When I got wind of it that she called all her three other daughter's to wish them a Happy Mother's Day and she didn't call me, I did feel some resentment and hurt..I wasn't going to let her ruin my day with my own children and grandchildren. I am so numb from all the year's my by-logical mother how she treated me..that I don't feel anything for her but yet I am grateful she gave me life and I do love her. It wears me down trying to get her approval of me, to even steal a hug, just once I would love to hear those words come out of her mouth: "I love you Dotti", that is a laugh. Instead of crying anymore over this topic, I laugh about it. I don't understand, "Why she even had me? if she didn't want me. I give you another good chuckle: I laugh about it all the time, I have to laugh about ti because if I don't laugh, I know it will tear my heart apart. I try to be like her other children she claims which are my by-logical siblings..I thought if I act like them, I could some way get her attention. That was not me though. It wasn't the way my grandmother raised me.
Yesterday, I picked up the phone to attempt to call my by-logical mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day as I have tried over the year's but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt guilty because I couldn't call her. First of all, What would I say to the woman I barely know? What do I call her? Mom, or by her first name. My heart yearns so much just to feel her love from the woman who gave me life. I don't understand; Why Marty (By-logical mother) is so angry at me? I don't know what I have done that she don't talk to me, or won't even receive my phone calls and sends back my letter's and cards. She gives me the ultimate silent soft shrug when she sees me. I even tried to buy her love. I would buy her gifts growing up and I am still trying to buy her love today. I guess I am not special enough in her eyes. She criticisms in everything I do, I can't do nothing right in her eyes. I married the wrong man she says, I should gave all my children biblical names. The biggest thing she says, hits the heart: "Why can't I be like my other siblings? mmmmm, Wonder why? I chuckle on this question. She is almost a hundred year's old and I should feel some compassion for her because she is old. I do to an extent.
When I describe Marty's "Love" towards me, her own flesh and blood, the child she gave life to and again I will say, she always throws me aside, her love was cold and not the kind of love from a mother who would shows affection who cares for their child. It is said that a moment a child is born, so is a mother. I say, hog wash. Anybody can be a "Mom, but a Mother is rewarding and special. For year's from the day Marty gave me life, she rejected me. I still don't know Why? today. I only know pieces of that answer from what I was told from the woman who raised me, which was my grandmother. But the day I became a Mother for the first time: I was a teenage mother and I was confused from the trepidation I felt, scared but I was born to do this. I was already a mom. I would tell myself I was fully prepared to have a baby and to ignore the anxiety I felt. Husband and I lost our first baby so I got to feel how to be a mother for a month. I got pregnant again at seventeen. During my pregnancy I was on close watch because I end up having blood clot disorder and I was epilepic.
I did have anxiety all through my nine months. I didn't want to loose another baby. As the due date approach, November 30, a blind panic began to force it's way to the forefront of my mind. What was I thinking? I was way to young too have another human dependent on me. I don't know the first thing how to be a mother. I didn't know anything about this little creation that my husband and I created together so I started to worry that I was gone to mess up being a mother, I was going to screw up like my by-logical mother told me I was, all these thoughts what my parent instilled in my mind, that I was a screw up and would never mount to nothing..what if they were right? I say to myself. I don't want to mess up being this child's mother. So many doubts crossed my mind. I was not a mom. Nevertheless, it was to late to change my mind. On November 30, at 6:18 Am Sunday, our first son came screaming into this world. In that moment, I was transformed. As the nurse placed my baby boy in my arms the most perfect little red headed I'd ever seen, I finally understood a Mother's love and the old saying-the mother in me was born the same day as my son.
I was so ready even so, I was a teenage mom. I was my Joey's mom. My husband and I had three daughter's after our son, we so had our little family. We love our children. I love being their mother. I was a very protective mother, maybe a bit hair over protective. I didn't want nothing or nobody to hurt my children. For they were my life. After our last child was born: I got my tubes cut and tied but nine months later I got pregnant again and we were having twins. I was having a lot of pain with this pregnancy, like my inside was being tearing apart. I went to the doctor's and they admitted me. Here my babies was growing in my tubes so they had to do an emergency operation. Docotr explained to me that they were tubal babies. We lost those babies. They were to small to tell the sex of them according to what our doctor said. I gave them names anyways. I felt I knew what the sex of the babies were. Now after I learned to be a the best Mother I could be to my children, it was full of challenges but it was the most exciting and joyous challenges. I feel God has used my children to teach me things that I never learned from my own mother. Things like love, selfishness, sacrifices, and unconditional love. I knew what it felt like the reflections of a Mother's Love.
Our youngest daughter mother's day gift to me was a surprise visit and spend the day with me and our grandsons. No price tag can top that. I thought of my mother after I embraced my daughter in my arms and I thought what my mother was missing out from getting to know me. Her youngest daughter. My mother's day ended up being a wonderful blessed Mother's Day! Memories I will cherish for a life time. I love being someone's Mother. What a blessing filled with Love.
Message my my youngest daughter sent me on my facebook: I am going to share it with all my gather friends.
- Spent the entire day with me mummy, and had a great time with her and dad. Wish we could've spent a little more time together, but the boys were getting tired. I ♥ my mom with all my heart. Happy Mother's Day to the BEST MOMMY IN THE WORLD, XOXO Your the greatest! Thank You Mom for all your sacrifice's and teaching me life's lessons, moral's for I learned my mother skills from a strong woman who I am proud to call my "MOTHER" We love You! You sure are the best mother in the whole wide world! HUGS! and Lots of love sending to our Mom form all seven of us, Elizabeth, Joey, Jada, Prissy, Joy, IdaAngela, MatthewJames, Grandchildren: Gagie, Christian, Kaityln, Kristen, JeremiahJames, Korbyn (deceased), Tyen, JohnEarl, Mandy,Adam, Aaron, Devon, (deceased) the two on the way grandchildren on the way. Love you a bunch!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox