How To Recognize Me If I Try To Contact You From The Afterlife
If the dining table mysteriously rises two inches off the floor, look underneath.Â If thereâ€™s a Great Dane under the table, thatâ€™s me.
If the lights flicker, thatâ€™s me.Â I wasnâ€™t paying the electric.
If the living room furniture has been moved in the middle of the night, thatâ€™s not me.Â I had a hernia, remember?
If a yellow-breasted titmouse alights on your windowsill and sings, listen to the song.Â If itâ€™s Christ Lag in Todesbanden from Bachâ€™s OrgelbÃ¼chlein, itâ€™s me.
If you have a vivid dream that you are a contestant on Letâ€™s Make A Deal, pick door Number Two.
If someone comes to the door and introduces himself as Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, thatâ€™s not me.Â Itâ€™s Peter Cook.
Our secret phrase is â€œpickled logarithmsâ€.
If a spirit medium says, â€œDoug loves you and misses you,â€ sheâ€™s obviously a fraud.Â Get your money back and get out of there.
My favorite sports mascot is not the Seattle Mariner Moose.Â Itâ€™s the Evergreen State College Gooeyduck.
If you find a dollar bill on the sidewalk, thatâ€™s me.Â If you find a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk, thatâ€™s not me.Â Thatâ€™s your ex-husband Jerome, the one that knew how to make money.
If thereâ€™s a housefly buzzing around the kitchen, kill it.Â Itâ€™s not me, it never will be me, so donâ€™t worry about it.
If you feel a tickling sensation on the nape of your neck, thatâ€™s me.Â If you feel a tickling sensation on your inner thigh, thatâ€™s me.Â If you feel a tickling sensation between your toes, ewww!Â The Tinactinâ€™s in my gym bag.
If Timothy Dalton comes to you in a dream, thatâ€™s me.Â If Charles Laughton comes to you in a dream, itâ€™s me if heâ€™s Captain Bligh, but not if heâ€™s Quasimodo.
If you really need to talk to me right away, go see John Edward.Â He knows where I am at all times.
Â© 2012 Douglas J. Westberg. All Rights Reserved. Â Please share this on Gather.com, and elsewhere on the web by means of a link back to this page, but please do not copy. Â Doug's latest book is The Depressed Guy's Book of Wisdom from Chipmunka Publishing.
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