THE LEMON BASKET #679 MAY 11, 2012

THE LEMON BASKET: THE BEST & WORST OF THE WEB
#679 MAY 11, 2012
Copyright 2012 FRANCIS DIMENNO
http://dimenno.gather.com
francisdimenno@yahoo.com

HEROES
A hero is a man who does what he can.--Romain Rolland

A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't
like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around.--Edgar Watson
Howe

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells
us the truth about its author.--G. K. Chesterton

A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world.--Nathaniel Hawthorne

And there is no trade or employment but the young man following it may
become a hero.--Walt Whitman

BABY BOY MADDOX: "THE INTERNATIONAL SENSATION"

"The International Sensation." That was the billing on many of the ads
for Baby Boy Maddox, beginning in the year 1984. It was my innovation.
From that day to this one, it was a lie. Baby Boy Maddox has never
even owned a passport and the only time he was even ever out of the
country was the time he ran off to Canada when he got his draft
notice, but after two weeks he found it was just too damn cold up
there to sleep in the park so he sneaked back into the United States
by way of Rouse's Point.

In my mind, all the egregious hype was justified because I had no
doubt whatsoever that he deserved at least some kind of recognition
for all the dues he had paid, and blatant hype was the only way he was
going to get it. He may have been a pure artist who didn't much care
for what he called material things, but seventeen years busking for
chump change in a nearly deserted park has an eerie way of altering
your priorities, I suppose. When he first started out, around 1967,
those were the days when even the most mediocre novelty act could
appeal to the stoned-out hippies as somebody who was "heavy-duty" and
"down with the cause" because he "refused to be a sell-out" because he
had what the hippies (and nobody else) called "integrity".

If these hash-addled hedonists had ever suspected for even one second
just how profoundly nihilistic and intrinsically conservative Baby Boy
Maddox truly was, in his outlook toward both music and life, they
would have dropped him as fast as the pinched-off ember of a hot
roach. Fortunately, Baby Boy Maddox was a truly adept con man who knew
exactly which buttons to press long before others had even latched
onto the fashionable beliefs of the era.

For example, he played the "concerned about the environment" angle
most convincingly. (Of course, conservationism is, by its nature, just
another form of conservatism.) He stumped for equal rights for all,
but this, too, was a less a leveling impulse on his part and more of a
cynical ploy to preach to the converted.

By 1984, nobody knew better than he how the game of music politics was
really played. He also favored the legalization of all drugs, but this
was because in his deviant heart he was firmly convinced that drug
abuse was merely nature's way of culling the weaklings from the herd
so the clear-eyed sociopaths such as himself could take the share of
the good things abdicated by people who had neutralized themselves
through chemical overindulgence. Never had the Devil cited scripture
to suit his own purpose better than Baby Boy Maddox.

Even as late as 1984, he masqueraded as an avid consumer of illicit
substances, but surely he almost never inhaled, snorted, or swallowed
any of those drugs, relying largely on sleight-of-hand and
misdirection to make it seem as though he had. And to seal the deal,
he used an actor's talent for seeming wasted..

For instance, when pretending to be doped up, he would babble at
interminable length about the most tedious banalities.

When, for example, he happened to hear one of his songs played on the
radio he would say, "I remember exactly where I was the day I wrote
this song. I first thought of the idea when I was reading in
Scientific American about anti-matter.

"I wonder if in Russia they have a magazine called 'Scientific Communist?'

"Anyway, I got to thinking, like, 'What if there was a whole universe
just like ours, only, instead of being made of matter it was made of
anti-matter. Then it would be a negative universe--only what's good in
our universe would be bad and theirs, and vice versa.'

"I remember I was also listening to WHIP in 1967, and they were
playing 'Eve of Destruction' by Barry McGuire and you don't hear much
about him no more, nor about Barry Sadler, who also had a big hit,
only it was in 1966, I think. I wonder if they knew each other? They
had the same first name. Maybe they were even related. It's a small
world.

"Barry McGuire was no singer, he was a croaker, but somehow his song
struck a chord and I think Jan and Dean did an answer song, no, it was
somebody else, it was called "Dawn of Correction," by the Spokesmen,
who never did anything else as far as I know, but I do remember that
they all wore black turtlenecks and they were basically a cover band
and I think I heard somewhere that they were all mobbed up which makes
perfect sense because everybody knows how much the Boys hated the
Commies and who can blame them, because the Commies didn't want no
competition and, man oh man, neither did the Mob.

"Funny thing about that song though, 'Dawn,' I mean, it had a Jew's
harp and I think that's the first rock song ever to have one and for
all I know it was also the last. I also think it was the first song to
mention the United Nations, except for 'Summertime Blues' by Eddie
Cochran, and that don't count, hardly, and I hear that when 'Dawn'
first came out the lawyer guy who was the brother in law of the guy
who was the head of A&R over at Decca told Phil Sloan to get fucked
because the song was parody and parody was covered under Irving Berlin
et al. v. E.C. Publications, Inc., and according to the Supreme Court
parody of that kind scarcely amounts to a 'substantial' taking, unless
the standard is to be woodenly applied.

"You know, everybody was afraid back then. Afraid of Commies and
afraid of race riots, and they all drove this big-ass cars, Woodies
they called them, station wagons with wood paneling, and how asinine
is that? and gas was really cheap, I guess it was about 33 cents a
gallon and a gallon of milk was only a dollar and a stamp still only
cost a nickel can you imagine that and I remember someone telling me
that Lawyer's exact words, 'Let fucking Phil Sloan sue and make an ass
of himself, we'll tie him up in litigation for a quarter century and
he won't get squat,' and then the word came back that Sloan wasn't
about to sue anyway, I guess the Boys, and I don't mean
the Beach Boys, got to Sloan somehow and advised him that
maybe it would be better for his health if he forgot the whole thing
and to this day some people still say that if you play the Spokesmen
single at 33 instead of 45 you can hear a voice in the background
saying 'Ha Ha Fuck you P.F. Sloan you Commie.' only I must have heard
it a hundred times and I never heard that message but maybe I wasn't
listening hard enough.

"Anyway, when I wrote that song I was drifting off to sleep in a
sleeping bag in the park when this old lady came by, she was walking
her black Schnauzer, Smoky Two, he was called Smokey Two because the
first Smokey got run over by an ambulance while he was chasing a  fire
engine that day of the big warehouse fire in Madport you remember it?
where the whole town smelled like roasted salmon for twelve days and
thirteen nights, and the damn dog started barking and so I worked it
into the song, "It's like some negative universe, the more that you
hear it, it only gets worse," and that was a reference to the dog
because the more you heard him bark the more aggimated you got until
finally you started thinking not so much about the dog but about the
kind of ordnance that would take out not only the woman and her house
and the dog but also her family and her whole neighborhood--a bazooka
wouldn't be enough, though maybe a grenade launcher would do the trick
only I'm not so sure that wasn't kind of overkill because I never was
in the army.

"I mean, I did get drafted, but they never did find me and when I
finally turned myself in I had stayed up late the night before and I
didn't eat for about three days which wasn't hard because I was living
in the park like I said and I had no money anyway and so they said I
was 4-F because they thought I was mental because I told them I wanted
to learn how to kill a devil dog who was keeping me awake at night and
they thought i was a psycho but I wasn't, not at all, because it was a
clear and present danger at the time and based on true events but just
to be on the safe side I also told them that I strongly believed in
the separation of church and state and that the Bible said thou shalt
not kill and that I would either have to be a c.o. or a C.O. so that
my own hands wouldn't get dirty.

"Mind you, I have nothing against the church or ordering shave-tails to
kill, because I'm not some dirty Commie, that's exactly what I said to
them, I believe that all men are created equal and to each his own,
and do you happen to remember what was number one when my song was
bubbling under the top 100? "Incense and Peppermints," which was a
really shitty song, though I did have a sneaking fondness for "Rainy
Day Mushroom Pillow", which was the first track of the flip side of
the LP.

"Anyway, the flute player later went on to play with Oingo Boingo and
you wanna know what? That guy still owes me a five spot back when I
bailed him out when they caught him trying to steal a frozen steak at
the local Buy-Rite and just as he got to the door it fell out of his
underwear because he was wearing boxer shorts and it was a real cold
day and his balls were completely frozen I guess and he couldn't stand
walking crabwise out the door with it so in I breezed with a smooth
line of patter and said my friend here is a little retarded he didn't
mean any harm, savvy? and I greased the store security with a fin
which was all the money I had.

"I'll bet you remember the day that my song almost hit the top 100
because it was so cold that sparrows fell out of the trees and later I
went on tour with the song, only it wasn't really much of a tour
because I never got more than twenty miles out of town and I was
backed by The Baked Potato who were stranded in Madport because their
concert was canceled out from under them because the frontman had
gotten busted for pot in Canada and couldn't get a visa and
unfortunately he owned all the equipment. Someday the whole world is
going to remember where they were the day my song, which should of been
number one, almost hit number 100 on the hit parade."

At about this time is when people would slowly begin to back away and,
some of them, not very slowly, and the word got out that you shouldn't
offer any more drugs to Baby Boy Maddox because that cat was seriously
out there already!

And that was exactly the impression he wanted to create.

There are four types of people in the world. Those who are insane, and
act insane. Those who are insane, and take every measure they can to
act sane.

The vast majority, of course, are those who are sane, and act sane.

And, most inexplicable of all, those who are utterly sane, and act insane.

Baby Boy Maddox was firmly in the latter-most camp.

For reasons not difficult to divine.

1*SALUTATION
THE SKILLET LICKERS
"PRETTY LITTLE WIDOW"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQvAowIwrwE

2*REFERENCE
BROWNFIELDS WHERE YOU LIVE
http://www.epa.gov/brownfields/

3* HUMOR
LORD BUCKLEY RIDES AGAIN
http://www.salon.com/2002/06/26/buckley_4/

4*NOVELTY
A MILLION DOLLARS FOR ONE PENNY
http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/20/11306822-its-true-1-million-for-one-penny?lite

5*AVATAR OF THE ZEITGEIST
A NIGHT WITH THE WORLD'S MOST HATED BANDS
http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7846322/taking-concert-doubleheader-creed-nickelback-world-most-hated-bands

6* DAILY UTILITY
BOSTON HARDCORE PUNK DOCUMENTARY
http://www.dangerousminds.net/comments/xxx_all_ages_xxx_new_boston_hardcore_punk_81_84_doc

7*CARTOON
SIX TERRIFYING CHILDRENS' CARTOONS FROM AROUND THE WORLD
http://www.cracked.com/article_19768_6-terrifying-childrens-cartoons-from-around-world.html

ALSO SEE:
THE NINE MOST RACIST DISNEY CHARACTERS
http://www.cracked.com/article_15833_the-9-most-racist-disney-characters.html

SEE ALSO:
HAPPY TREE FRIENDS
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_Tree_Friends

ALSO SEE:
THE CARTOON CRIER
http://www.comicsbeat.com/2012/04/24/read-it-and-weep-the-cartoon-crier/

8*PRESCRIPTION
WHY BAD RATINGS MEAN GOOD TELEVISION
http://www.pajiba.com/think_pieces/all-your-favorite-shows-may-be-cancelled-why-bad-nielsen-ratings-should-be-great-for-quality-television-.php

ALSO SEE:
MAD MEN ON KRITIK
http://unitcrit.blogspot.com/

9*RUMOR PATROL
MONEY, POWER & WALL STREET
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/money-power-wall-street/?utm_source=googleads&utm_medium=sitetarget&utm_campaign=moneypowerandwallstreet

ALSO SEE:
Congress’s Genius Jobs Plan—for Fraudsters, Shills, and Wall St. Analysts
http://www.propublica.org/thetrade/item/congresss-genius-jobs-plan-for-fraudsters-shills-and-wall-st-analysts

10*LAGNIAPPE
MAZDA
In a consumerist economy, Lucifer is a false bearer of capitalist
light--and a common swindler. But omniscient Ahuramazda is the creator
and upholder of truth who shall destroy all evil and falsehood.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=229635993803929&set=oa.212959385474260&type=1&theater

11*DEVIATIONS FROM THE PREPARED TEXT: A REVIEW OF OTHER MEDIA
ASSASSINATION IN AFGHANISTAN.
Part of the series:
BUTCHERY IN BHUTAN;
CARNAGE IN CAMEROON;
DEATH IN DJIBOUTI;
EXTERMINATION IN ECUADOR;
FOUL PLAY IN FIJI;
GENOCIDE IN GRENADA;
HOMICIDE IN HONDURAS;
INFANTICIDE IN ICELAND;
DOING THE BIG JOB IN JORDAN;
A KILLING IN KIRIBATI;
LIQUIDATION IN LIECHTENSTEIN;
MASSACRE IN MACEDONIA;
KNOCKED OFF IN NAURU;
OFFED IN OMAN;
PULVERIZED IN PALESTINE;
DRAWN AND QUARTERED IN QATAR;
A RUBOUT IN ROMANIA;
SLAUGHTER IN SLOVAKIA;
TERMINATED IN TONGA;
UNDONE IN UZBEKISTAN;
EVISCERATED IN VANUATU;
WETWORK IN WESTERN SAMOA;
X'D OUT IN XIAMEN;
YOKED IN YEMEN and
ZAPPED IN ZAIRE.

*11A BOOKS READ AND REVIEWED

21 DOWN 1: THE CONDUIT. PALMIOTTI. ***1/2
THE ALL-NEW BATMAN: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD 1. ***1/2
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN: ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES. **
AMERICAN NIGHTMARE. PACKARD. ***1/2
ANGEL FIRE. PARKHOUSE. ***
ASTONISHING X-MEN: EXOGENETIC. ELLIS. ***1/2
ASTRO CITY: THE DARK AGE 1: BROTHERS, LOVERS &.... BUSIEK. ****
ASTRO CITY: SHINING STARS. BUSIEK. ****
THE AVENGERS: CELESTIAL MADONNA. **
THE AVENGERS: THE KORVAC SAGA. **1/2
BATMAN: GOTHAM COUNTY LINE. *1/2
BATMAN: PRIVATE CASEBOOK. DINI. **
BATMAN: SCARECROW TALES. **
BATMAN: THE BRAVE & THE BOLD 1. ***
BATMAN: THE BRAVE & THE BOLD 2: THE FEARSOME FANGS STRIKE AGAIN! ***
BATMAN: THE BRAVE & THE BOLD 3: EMERALD KNIGHT, ***
BATMAN: UNSEEN. **1/2
BEST AMERICAN NOIR OF THE CENTURY. ***1/2
CITY OF GLASS. AUSTER, KARASIK & MAZZUCCHELLI. ****1/2
THE COMPLEAT TERMINAL CITY. MOTTER & LARK. ***1/2
COWARD. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ****
DAILY GUIDEPOSTS 2012. *
DARK PASSAGE. GOODIS. ***1/2
DC GOES APE! **
DC'S GREATEST IMAGINARY STORIES. ***
DC UNIVERSE: LEGACIES. ***
DC UNIVERSE: ORIGINS. **1/2
DC UNIVERSE: SECRET ORIGINS. **
DEFINING MOMENTS IN MUSIC. ***1/2
DESOLATION JONES. ELLIS. ***1/2
DORI STORIES. SEDA. ***1/2
EMPIRE. WAID. ****
FAHRENHEIT 451. BRADBURY & HAMILTON. ***1/2
THE FBI. KESSLER. ****
FILTHY RICH. AZZERELLO & SANTOS. ***1/2
THE FUN NEVER STOPS. FRIEDMAN. ***1/2
GREEN LANTERN: LEGACY. ***1/2
GRIFTER & MIDNIGHTER. **1/2
JINX. TORRES. ***1/2
JLA: WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE. ***
JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 1. ***1/2
JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 3. ***1/2
LONGSHOT. *1/2
MARVELS: THE EYE OF THE CAMERA. BUSIEK. ***1/2
THE MAXIMORTAL. VEITCH. ****1/2
NEW AVENGERS 11. BENDIS. ***1/2
NIGHTMARE ALLEY. GRESHAM. ****
OCEAN. ELLIS. ***1/2
PICK-UP. WILLEFORD. ****
POACHERS. FRANKLIN. ****
POINT BLANK. BRUBAKER & WILSON. ****
THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE. CAIN. ****
THE REAL COOL KILELRS. HIMES. ***1/2
THE RESISTANCE. GRAY & PALMIOTTI. ***1/2
ROPE BURNS. TOOLE. ****
SLEEPER: ALL FALSE MOVES. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ***1/2
SLEEPER: A CROOKED LINE. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ***1/2
SLEEPER: OUT IN THE COLD. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ***1/2
SLEEPER: THE LONG WAY HOME. BRUBAKER & PHILLIPS. ****
STREET OF NO RETURN. GOODIS. ***1/2
SUPERMAN: KRYPTONITE NEVERMORE! **1/2
SUPERMAN: MON-EL. ***
SUPERMAN & BATMAN: GENERATIONS.**
SUPERMAN & BATMAN: GENERATIONS II. **
THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY. HIGHSMITH. ****
THOR: GODSTORM. ***
THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MIDNIGHT SUN. ***
THE ULTIMATE BASIC TRAINING GUIDEBOOK. VOLKIN. ***
VINAMARANA. MORRISON. ***
THE WORLD'S GEATEST SUPER HEROES. DINI & ROSS. ****

627. CONTROVERSIES IN POPULAR CULTURE
THE NOIR MONOLOGUES 2.
"Why do you want to be a American citizen, Susan?" The young orphan
girl's chipmunk face split into a wide grin. "I-I like it here," she
stammered, to the imposing three-man panel of judges. The men in robes
conferred for a minute or two. "Citizenship granted," said the eldest
of the three. And everyone in the courtroom stood up and cheered. That
was forty years ago. But it ...was all a big mistake that was to turn
into a nightmare for Yours Truly. Because the Dame was a sleeper
agent. A Spy. One of the best. Made Mata Hari look like a Grade-A
chump. And the clock was ticking. In twenty-four hours a bomb would go
off, and only she knew how to stop it. But the very day the left the
courtroom, she vanished. My job: Find Her. But it wouldn't be easy.
Her last known location had been a deserted horse ranch deep in the
desert. Otherwise, she left no forwarding address. In fact, it was as
though she had never existed at all. And maybe she didn't. Maybe it
was all just a bad story I made up after a hit of brown acid.

But...maybe not.