Grief

Comments: 28

stephen berwaldt Apr 16, 2012, 8:13pm UTC

I think grief brings compassion in our hearts for others in grief, but not so much for the smug idiots who have had none...

Good reminder to channel our pain into something constructive...

Thank you submitting to Gathers Luminous Writers and Artists.

Mike Firesmith Apr 16, 2012, 8:28pm UTC

Thanks Stephen.

I can see how grief could so easily be turned into a destructive feeling. I have fought against this and I believe I have won. Yet for those who have not, I offer an idea, a different way, some form of calmness to quiet this rage. I do not say it is easy. I say it is possible, and it is preferable.

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Magi the magical poet is flowing with the wind Apr 16, 2012, 9:27pm UTC

Grief can be turned into Compassion contains a self-defeating trap ... that of joining another in suffering. Which doubles the suffering but neither solves nor resolves anything. Stephen's observation is on the money, though.

As to turning pain against others, it is wise to remember that those who hang crucified have nothing left to offer others but crucifixion.

Denise L. Apr 16, 2012, 9:37pm UTC

Expressing compassion for another person who has suffered the kind of loss you have is helpful in coping with and healing in your own grief. Eventually the suffering lessens in both grievers.

Many of us who have suffered the loss of our children understand and have experienced the compassion from others and give it to those newly suffering. Unless you have experienced it, it is difficult to fathom the depth of the pain nor the long road to healing.

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 5:07am UTC

If compassion is a trap may we all be caught in it

Anne Gresinger Apr 17, 2012, 10:10am UTC

Amen.

ʚϊɞ Carol ʚϊɞ Apr 17, 2012, 12:39pm UTC

Agreed Denise. The one thing that has helped me, (and continues to help) through my grief journey is having someone to sincerely listen with compassion. No words are necessary. Surprisingly this did not come from family but from another grieving parent.

Magi the magical poet is flowing with the wind Apr 17, 2012, 7:29pm UTC

Joining another in suffering, thus increasing suffering, is hardly helpful. A helping hand from beyond suffering is far more positive - that's how I see it.

Chuck Larlham Apr 17, 2012, 8:04pm UTC

Magi... at least half the people on the planet will experience deep and horrific grief. Empathy and compassion do NOT double that grief, but halve it by doubling the bearers of the load.

Smug and sanctimonious excuses for refusing those in the agony of grief from great loss your empathy and compassion, in favor of whatever you think "a helping hand" might be, only helps you justify avoidance of EITHER empathy OR compassion.

Chuck Larlham Apr 17, 2012, 8:05pm UTC

The other half? That must be obvious.

Magi the magical poet is flowing with the wind Apr 17, 2012, 8:20pm UTC

Chuck, you appear to have misread and/ or misunderstood what I said. I did not discount empathy or compassion for others suffering from grief. Nor did I imply that empathy and compassion should be avoided. If anything in this world, there is far too little empathy and compassion.

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 9:07pm UTC

Magi, Robert McNamara said that one of the reasons we lost the war in Nam was we did not empathize with the enemy. In this, he did not mean we should have felt sorry for those we fought, but rather we should understand them.

I'm saying the same thing, except I am also saying that in understanding it may be that we do not have to fight with someone who only through anger is our foe. If I can take my anger away from me then it is easier to help someone else eliminate their own.

But I am not speaking politics, do not misunderstand me, please. I am speaking of day to day, one on one conflict, and I am talking about the causation of anger.

Magi the magical poet is flowing with the wind Apr 17, 2012, 9:47pm UTC

Mike, I don't have a problem with anything you say above. In point of fact, I agree with you. I did not contradict what you said when I observed that there is a self-defeating trap. I did not say or imply that, therefore, compassion is counter-productive. The trap is joining in with the suffering, thereby increasing the suffering. A compassionate helping hand can be extended without joining in the actual suffering ... somewhat akin to a psychiatrist/ psychologist helping someone with depression, the professional doing so without first becoming depressed.

If my explanation is still not clear enough, then we should perhaps agree to differ even though there is no actual difference.

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Bernard C. Apr 17, 2012, 5:41am UTC

Grief, honesty and compassion, cameraderie..its all in a days work :-)

Thanks for sharing and submitting to
The Surreal Circus.

ʚϊɞ Carol ʚϊɞ Apr 17, 2012, 2:06pm UTC

I am curious to see what others have to say about Grief.
You are now featured Mike.

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 7:40pm UTC

Thank you, Carol. I would like to think this would help someone, in some way.

ʚϊɞ Carol ʚϊɞ Apr 23, 2012, 5:06pm UTC

Mike, In my darkest hours, it was the compassion of strangers that helped pull me through. Knowing there was someone out there who truly understood how I felt and who were willing to lend their time to listen... just listen.

I am sorry for your loss.

Mike Firesmith Apr 23, 2012, 6:04pm UTC

Yet in these two weeks, Carol, I have found so much. So many good people, so many memories, so many tears, and I feel a sense of peace now that Bert isn't in pain and limping around all the time.

I'm thankful for what I had and I am grateful for what I still have.

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Anne Gresinger Apr 17, 2012, 10:10am UTC

What a beautiful gesture, Mike... a wonderful offering, much appreciated.

~ anger has it's place
~ grief needs it's space
~ compassion brings Grace

The way I see it...

Anger has it's place... if not used as a weapon, but only moves one to action via clarity.

However sad, I've found great beauty in grief when it's respectfully honored.

I completely agree with you about this... If compassion is a trap, let us all be caught in it's healing arms, so palpably Graced.

Having noted how anger isn't always uncalled for, I can write:
Grief can know the salve of compassion, or can become more entrenched via anger... It's our choice. It's not unusual for people to want to roll around in and struggle with their pain before getting to a place where they find they really want to resolve things, and become more free. I'm sorry though, that the grieving process often doesn't get the space it needs within the all too often volatile mix of life struggles.

Anne Gresinger Apr 17, 2012, 10:25am UTC

Just want to add... I'm not seeing pain and grief as being one and the same. I think there's more pain in not allowing the space for grief than in the allowing of it. But then I guess that's what you're saying above.

Wishing you much warmth, kindness, and space for your grieving process, Mike.

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 7:44pm UTC

Anne, this is not the time for anger. It's too important that I learn from what is happening around me, and I have to own this, to breathe it in, to feel it in its fullness and accept the loss.

And on the other side I will realize that love is never lost as long as memory is honored...with compassion and strength.

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Phillip DeNise Apr 17, 2012, 11:01am UTC

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 7:44pm UTC

I will Phillip.

There is no other choice.

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Chuck Larlham Apr 17, 2012, 8:14pm UTC

Mike, I've obviously come late to your loss, for I've no idea whose passing has brought you to this place. But I live here too, and were it not for the love of friends I've never met, and strangers who expend the time and energy to feel this grief of mine and offer empathy and love, I could not have survived. I offer you the same, and hopes that you feel the slowly rising tide of courage overwhelm that grief.

Chuck Larlham Apr 17, 2012, 8:20pm UTC

"IN hopes that you..."

Mike Firesmith Apr 17, 2012, 9:14pm UTC

Odd, isn't it Chuck? I read your message exactly as you had hoped that it had been read, before I red the correction. Bert, a dog of my heart and companion to my soul for the last dozen years is dead. He died peacefully enough, with those he cared about with him, and he did not suffer.

There is also drama in my personal life that I am dealing with which I will not speak openly about, thought many here already know.

It is the voices of strangers, thought not as close, that are at these times most clear. You do not know me, you have no interest in my life, you do not know what is happening, yet you stop the time of your own life, offer me some of the kindest words. Who can feel bitterness towards humanity when such words are offered? My friends and those here I hold dear to me, their words mean a lot of me, more than I knew until now, but I have discovered there are those who will reach out to heal pain in small ways, when they find hurt.

I will remember the quality of such people when I meet strangers in need.

Chuck Larlham Apr 17, 2012, 10:52pm UTC

There will always be strangers in need. Always remember, as I will try to.

Mike Firesmith Apr 23, 2012, 6:05pm UTC

I will Chuck, nut let us make sure we are not strangers the more.

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Grief

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