He Won! (Monday and Wednesday Writing Essentials)

Monday’s writing challenge: write a funny story.

Wednesday’s writing challenge: What did you do when you won the mega million dollar lottery?

* * *

He sat at his desk and stared at the computer screen showing the winning numbers. He looked at the first one and compared the 8 on his ticket to the first number on the screen -- 8.

The second on the screen was 23 and his ticket had -- 23. Right down the line: 47, 18, 37, and 50. Each number on his ticket matched the numbers on the screen.

He slumped back in his chair and thought about what had just happened -- every number had matched. He won, but that hadn’t quite sunk into his mind yet. He pulled over a legal pad and wrote the numbers from his ticket. Beside them, he wrote the numbers from the screen.

It started to sink in that he was $320 million richer as he connected the numbers with lines.

Certain he was wrong, he copied the numbers, once again, from his ticket and then the numbers from the screen. This time, to make sure he knew what he was doing, he put a big “X” through each number as he matched the left and right columns.

He sat back once again and held the tablet up in front of his eyes so he could study them. Certain he made a mistake, he tore off the top sheet, crumpled it up, and tossed it into the wastebasket. Then he sat up and carefully wrote the numbers from the screen across the top of the sheet and, underneath them, he wrote the numbers from his own ticket.

Just then, the lottery page updated and announced the news that only one ticket had been sold with all the winning numbers. He had it! Only one ticket had all winning numbers and he had it! He couldn’t keep it quiet, but said to the empty office, “I won. I won the big one. I’m going to quit this stupid job and buy… No, I’m not going to quit.” He thought just a moment, grinned maliciously, and then said, “No, I’m going to buy this place. I’ll be the boss. I won’t have to pretend to like that big oaf.”

He was interrupted when a soft chime sounded and he looked up on the wall to see an announcement that the council was about to meet and all members were needed.

Grinning and chuckling all the way to the council chamber, he walked in and right to the front row, and sat down.

There was the briefest moment of silence and then Santa Claus said, “Donkey, what are you doing down there? Get up here on the dais where you belong.”

Donkey grinned even more and said, “Oh, you mean in the most minorest seat in the place? You mean that tiny little seat way down at the end where nobody can see me?”

Santa looked at Shrek and said, “Did he say ‘minorest’?”

Shrek shrugged, and said, “It’s Donkey, what can you expect?”

Donkey came to all four feet and said, “Yes, it’s Donkey, what can you expect? I’ll tell you what you can expect. I just won the lottery and I’m buying Fairyland. All of you will be working for me. I’m tired of being the guy in the little chair at the end of the table.” He stared at Shrek for a moment and then said, “You better be ready to take that smallest, most minorest seat, Shrek.” He shifted his gaze to the president of the Fairy Council and said, “And, Santa, you haven’t been all that mean to me so I’ll put you at the other end of the table.” He snorted and added, “Yep, you’ll be in the second-smallest most second-minorest seat on the council.”

Santa had been typing on his computer the whole time and looked up at Donkey. “May we see your winning ticket, Donkey?”

Donkey shook his head, “Oh, no, you’re not going to do that. I give it to you, you tear it up, and I’m out millions of dollars.”

Santa swung the monitor toward Shrek, pointed to something, and then said, “No, nothing like that, Donkey, just hold it up here so we can look at it.

Donkey was a bit concerned when he saw Shrek smiling, but held up his ticket so Santa and Shrek could see it.

“Uh, Donkey, I think you’re right in one thing,” Shrek said.

Grinning the whole time, Donkey said, “Oh, yes, fat boy, what’s that?”

Hearing that, Shrek actually smiled as he turned the computer screen around and said, “What’s the date on those winning numbers?”

Donkey said, “Come on, they’re just last night.”

“Yes,” Shrek said, “but humor me. What’s the date on the winning numbers?”

Donkey looked at the screen and said, “Just what I said -- last night, the ninth of April.”

Shrek’s smile got even bigger as he said, “And what’s the date on your ‘winning’ ticket?”

Donkey had a sinking feeling as he looked at his ticket and then felt better as he said, “April first, long before last night’s winning numbers were drawn.”

He was somewhat confused as the entire council started laughing. “What? My ticket was printed before last night’s drawing, what’s so funny? What? Why’s everyone laughing? I’m going to fire all of you, you’re all done, do you hear me? Done, you’re all done!”

Shrek stood up, leaned his massive, green bulk over the table, and said, “Your ticket was for last week’s drawing. You didn’t win last night.”

Donkey looked at Shrek. He looked at his ticket seeing, for the first time the drawing date of 2 April. He looked at Santa, who was scowling. He looked at his ticket. He looked up and shouted, “APRIL FOOL!”

As all the council members looked at each other in confusion, Donkey said, “Come on, you didn’t think I was serious, did you? It was a joke. I’ll just go down to the minorest seat, sit down, and we can get on with the council business.”

Somewhere along the way, he dropped his “winning” lottery ticket.

* * *

The Fairyland picture used courtesy of Effervescent Mystique.