There are a great many things going on in my life right now... things that affect my entire immediate family, my extended family and my close friends - even some acquaintances.
I have had a lot of negativity spewed my way for things that have nothing to do with me. Before anyone judges me or assumes anything, remember that you don't know the entire story and you don't know what is really going on. Things are very difficult here and it doesn't appear that things will get any easier for me or my children anytime soon.
Before assuming that anything you've heard is the entire truth and painting me as the bad guy - those of you who know me, should know - I am *NOT* a spiteful person, I don't do things to get back at ANYONE. And there are things going on right now that have absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with my children - things that I have absolutely no control over.
I am in shock, utterly stunned and completely heartbroken over the way some things in my life have turned out. I have discovered recently - in a couple of important relationships in my life - that you never truly know anyone, that anyone has the potential to betray your trust and break your heart and soul. When that type of betrayal is aimed at you or your child(ren), it is absolutely devastating.
At this point in time, I have realized that the only person I can 100% trust with myself and my children, is me. I am solely responsible for my own wellbeing and that of my children. It is a terrifying thought that I may not be able to fully protect myself or my children. I have turned myself inside out and back again, seeking to discover the flaws in myself that have resulted in being a single parent and divorcing for the third time.
I can find none.
I'm not suggesting that I am perfect - far from it. But I'm not some hideous and horrible person who has no redeeming qualities. I'm actually a pretty good person, a decent parent and I have a lot of love to give to the right person. I seek to make positive changes within myself and my life and to better my life and that of my children.
I have been blessed in the fact that, although my first two marriages ended in divorce - with a lot of negativity and a lot of anger - I am able to successfully co-parent my three oldest children with my first two husbands... Not to say that those relationships are perfect, but things have turned out much better in those two aspects of my life than I ever expected.
This divorce and custody situation won't be so easy. It's a nasty, volatile situation... and it has absolutely nothing to do with me or what *I* think or want to happen. There are extenuating circumstances that have nothing to do with any animosity between my current spouse and I. I feel no real animosity toward anyone, especially the father of three of my children... But I *DO* feel a deep sadness and I am grieving for what I thought was and what reality actually is. I am heartbroken for a trust and betrayal that is so unthinkable as to be almost unbelievable. I grieve for all of us - my children, myself and yes, even him.
As things in my life change from one day to the next, I realize that the only thing I can control is myself and the decisions I make in my life that affect me and my children. I can't make anyone do anything, can't force them to see anything and can't force anyone to listen. But I send my plea out anyway, to whatever Power within the universe is listening - please let my children and I come through this as unscathed as possible.
I am not the same person I was six months ago, a year ago or at any other point in my life. I am changing constantly... hopefully, for the best and maybe coming out stronger and more sure of myself and the path I am laying out for myself and my children.
I pray, constantly. I pray that my life hasn't become nothing but a wasteland of broken hopes and dreams, pain and anger. I pray for true happiness and a life of love and light for my beautiful children. The time has come for us all to grow and move together for a positive direction in our little family. A little family that includes me, my seven beautiful children, our kitty cat, Goblin and our select family and friends who go through the fire with us and are still with us on the other side.
I am not perfect, never will be. Perfection is impossible in human beings. But I strive for as close to perfect as possible, I pray I will continue to improve and can look back on my life at the end and be able to say "I made the right choices and did the best I could," and know that I am speaking the truth.
I want my children to grow up strong, healthy individuals who reach for the stars and get them in their grasp. I will be doing my best to instill a sense of right and wrong within them, a sense of direction that is positive and a sense of self-worth that allows them to make the best choices possible and to be able to withstand any tragedy or trauma in a healthy way. I don't want them to doubt themselves or the love of those around them.
Life doesn't seem to be anything like what I ever imagined or hoped for, but I think that life is a lot better than it sometimes feels right now and that it will turn out way better than I ever imagined or hoped... because I am stronger and more determined than I ever thought I would be.
There are certain things in life that are unforgivable and that are so horribly wrong on all levels that they cannot be spoken of without great pain and a sense of the surreal, but those things do not have to break our minds, hearts or souls. They can help us to become stronger and we can deal with these things in a way that is healthy for us emotionally, mentally and physically.
The choice is up to us. The choice is mine. No one can take my power or that of my children - ever again - unless I allow it. Allowing power or choices to be taken from us is no longer an option for me.