The Sacred History of the Grill
The name of the first Grill master is long lost to history. It was probably something like “ Groonk” Or “ Urrg “ . He probably did not actually have a grill but we will include open pit cooking by default. At any rate soon after fire was discovered man realized that meat tastes a bit better when you put it over this new “ fire.”
Nothing important happened from the discovery of fire until man settled down a bit and started farming. Soon after the farming gig happened man discovered that grains sometimes ferment leading to the production of beer. This was known as “ The Great Enlightenment” .
A few weeks later over in Egypt a couple of Drunken Pharaohs decided to create the worlds largest grills. Using Stone carried for miles on the backs of slaves ( or perhaps by UFOs that is still unclear) they build pyramid shaped giant BBQ pits that could be seen from space. These were so well built they still stand today and some people mistakenly think they are tombs.
The slaves who built these liked the idea so much they incorporated grilling into there own religious faith bringing sheep , cows , and such as a “ burnt offering “ to the God they worshiped . People BBQ and drank beer for a few 1000 years but pretty much nothing important happened until the new world was discovered .
There was a small tribe in Guyana who enjoyed "cheerfully spit roasting captured enemies." These guys discovered that the sailors bouncing around the Caribbean liked goat a little better then human flesh..at least most of them. It seemed a good idea to set up stands trading spit cooked goat for beads.., gunpowder...fish and chips, and whatever the hell Euro-trash brought with them to the “ real” world in those days. The scam was franchised to a bunch of islands and steamed corn was added to the menu , The corn sold for $1.00 each which is why the pirate types sailing around down there were know as Buck an Ears.
The next development in history of any importance was when city of Memphis was founded in 1819 . Elvis moved into Graceland in spring of 1819 and said he was hungry. A Greek immigrant passing through quickly built a BBQ joint called “ Rendezvous “ and the city was built around it. A great Civilization flourished . Memphis built its own giant pyramid shaped grill to rival the one in Egypt.
Over in Texas a war was brewing. General Santa Anna was on his way up from Mexico with 5000 men insisting that Brisket was best used in Fajitas .
ColonelTravis had set up a little BBQ Joint in San Antonio Called “The Alamo “ Serving up a nice hill country style Mustard Based Sauce. Davy Crockett came down from Tennessee with a group of volunteers to serve up a Memphis rub . It was 180 grill masters against 5000 mobile fajita stands to the death. The grill masters held out for 13 days until the wood supply got to wet to use....Yes there was propane but we all know real men would choose death..and they did. They were however soon avenged by Sam Huston who invented Tex-Mex and reclaimed the Republic of Texas .
There was a civil war or some crap.....some kind of industrial revolution...Henry ford came up with some OK ideas but the next real forward move in innovation came from George A. Stephen . He invented the Weber grill which while not as flashy as the pyramids works pretty well. Nothing else happened for a while..some wars or something..chicks welding while the men were gone...some big ass bomb...
Then We almost had a serious problem .
On April 17, 1961, 1400 Cuban exiles were making some damn good pulled pork sandwiches with the best sauce you ever had. Fidel Castro leader of Cuba insisted that real Cubans eat only the ham and cheese variation. The Russians were bringing in shiploads of Russian dressing to go on the ham and cheese …...President Kennedy knew the importance of pulled pork ….and had the CIA build grilles and supply sauce for the Cuban exiles...the mission was in some ways a failure but it did drive down the demand for Russian dressing and send the commies back home. This will forever be known as the “ Bay of Pigs invasion.
JFK was later killed by a coalition of deli owners.
Boring for a while till 1968 when a bunch of hippies stocked up on wood to BBQ with but got too stoned to cook.
The 70s were the golden age of Grilling...there were gold plated grills with goldfish in them , disco balls embedded in mobile grills, grill swapping parties , folks were snorting dry rub through $100.00 bills.
Jimmy Carter ( crappy prez- good guy) had a BBQ at the white house while his brother got stoned on the roof with Willie Nelson. Times were OK other then expensive gas an an insane liberal agenda .
The 80s came....Trans Ams pulling portable grills cruised small towns looking for Chicks to cook for..fortunes were made by everyone and Tony Montana said those immortal words “ SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE GRILL “
In the 90s the sport of Grilling was corrupted a bit until George Foreman was burned at the stake for heresy committed on Steak.
Today we continue to grow and learn......society is in a strange place but still we grill..Men and women cook meat over an open fire...in 2012 the world is supposed to end and as as it does..as the last twilight we ever see falls ..Dec 21 , 2012 I will be in my front yard with a bag or royal oak and a half case of PBR...waiting.