News item: NASA allowed astronauts to fly drunk.Â Associated Press
GROUND CONTROL:Â Shuttle Commander, this is Houston, do you read me?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â You, my-y, Brown Eyed Girl.Â Do you remember when . . .
GROUND CONTROL:Â Shuttle Commanderâ€“
CO-PILOT:Â The voicesâ€“why wonâ€™t the voices stop?Â
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Oh, Christâ€“itâ€™s Cape Canaveral.Â Hey guyâ€“whatâ€™s going on?
GROUND CONTROL:Â Youâ€™re supposed to use official terms like â€œRogerâ€ or â€œCopyâ€.
CO-PILOT:Â Whoâ€™s Roger?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â The guy whoâ€™s always eating out of the Tang jar.
GROUND CONTROL:Â We were recording some erratic flight movements so I thought Iâ€™d give you a call.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Thatâ€™s awfully god-damned nice of you.
GROUND CONTROL:Â You guysâ€“uhâ€“quit drinking last night when I told you toâ€“right?
CO-PILOT:Â Actually, we still had about halfÂ a bottle of gin left, and I figured weâ€™d be gone for a long time and it might go bad.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Gin doesnâ€™t go bad.
CO-PILOT:Â Oh, right.Â It was the tonic.Â There was about half a one-liter bottle leftâ€“we didnâ€™t want it to go flat.
GROUND CONTROL:Â All right.Â What are you guys doing?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Now?
GROUND CONTROL:Â Yes, nowâ€“when did you think I meant?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Â Uh, weâ€™re playing zero-gravity beer pong.
GROUND CONTROL:Â What?
CO-PILOT:Â Hair of the dog that bit you, man.
GROUND CONTROL:Â You guys are nuts!
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â I knowâ€“itâ€™s really hard when youâ€™re weightless.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Guysâ€“I thought we had an understanding.
CO-PILOT:Â Right.Â Weâ€™re not allowed to drink in outer space unless we go up in the Space Shuttle firstâ€“for safetyâ€™s sake.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Thatâ€™s not how I remember it.Â Anyway, youâ€™re shut off.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Aw, câ€™mon!Â I just cracked open a Miller High Life, the Champagne of Bottle Beers!
GROUND CONTROL:Â How do you keep it from flying all around?
CO-PILOT:Â Sippy-cups.Â Heyâ€“why donâ€™t we do bar bets.Â Each one we win, we get to have another round.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Let me check my Shuttle Employee Manual.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Itâ€™s under the â€œBottle-to-Throttleâ€ rule at tab 7.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Youâ€™re rightâ€“here it is.Â Letâ€™s see, astronauts are not allowed to drink within 12 hours of liftoffâ€“
CO-PILOT:Â We already broke that one.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Seeâ€“weâ€™re okay.Â It doesnâ€™t say anything about in-flight drinking.
GROUND CONTROL:Â All right.Â I guess thereâ€™s nothing I can do to stop you.Â Fire away.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Who made the first three-point shot in NBA history?
GROUND CONTROL:Â Pleaseâ€“donâ€™t insult my intelligence.Â Chris Ford.
CO-PILOT:Â My turn.Â Have two National League teams ever played against each other in the same World Series?
GROUND CONTROL:Â Thatâ€™s impossible.Â Youâ€™d have to have one from the American Leagueâ€“
CO-PILOT:Â So your answer is?
GROUND CONTROL:Â No.
CO-PILOT:Â BAAAP!Â Youâ€™re wrong.Â 1982â€“Cardinals versus Brewers.
GROUND CONTROL:Â The Brewers were in the American League thenâ€“
CO-PILOT:Â Another beer for both of us.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â You got him that time.Â
CO-PILOT:Â Iâ€™m going to go get some chips.Â YouÂ want anything?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â I need to go to the bathroom but you canâ€™t do that for me.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Somebodyâ€™s got to stay on the flight deck at all times, okay?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Okayâ€“one last question then I gotta take a leak.Â Name the Jewish ballplayer with the highest season batting average in baseball history.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Uhâ€“letâ€™s see.Â Hank Greenberg?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Nopeâ€“Rod Carew.Â .388 in 1977.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Rod Carew isnâ€™t Jewish, heâ€™s, like Panamanian or something.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â He convertedâ€“like Sammy Davis, Jr.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Thatâ€™s a trick question.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â No use crying over spilt beer.
CO-PILOT:Â Hey, weâ€™re out of chips.
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Ground control, permission to change course requested.
GROUND CONTROL:Â Whyâ€“where are you going?
SHUTTLE COMMANDER:Â Phobos, one of Marsâ€™ moons.Â Thereâ€™s a 7-11 thereâ€“weâ€™ll bring you back a Slurpee.
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