Sy’s "satirical" post got me thinking about this subject a little more because although I know that people do it, a ploy that many people use when they want to reassure themselves that something their husband or wife may be thinking isn’t really what he or she is thinking, it’s something problematic in many marriages that people might not recognize as such. Sy used some questions to which he applied “A Right Answer,” “A Wrong Answer” and “The Truth.”
A common example of this would be the following:
Question: Do I look good in this dress?
Right Answer: Yes, you look great in that dress!
Wrong Answer: No, that dress makes your butt look like French Fries are your staple diet.
The Truth: If that’s the dress you plan to wear to the party next week, I’m going to pretend I entirely forgot about a previous engagement.
Certainly, a lot of people ask this type of question because they want to hear the right answer. I think it is an unfair position in which to put someone. Certainly, the other person, unless he or she is a fool, knows you do not want to hear the answer I stated as the wrong one and probably neither the truth as it was stated, at least.
If he gives you the answer that I said was the right one, I don’t know why anyone would ask it unless she were fishing for a compliment, or knows she really does look awful in the dress and is just testing her husband to see whether he is telling her the truth. Even in the case that she does think she looks awful in the dress, her husband may not think so. He may be telling her with the “right answer” what he really does think is the truth and she may think he’s humoring her when he isn’t. So, to me, these questions are not something you should ask unless you are willing to face the truth of whatever your spouse thinks, and unless you trust your spouse to tell you exactly what he thinks even if it’s what he knows you would prefer not to hear from him.
I know that men do this same kind of thing sometimes too, and it‘s always annoyed me because I do find this kind of question very unfair. In relationships where the man has done this more often than I care to lie, I tire of giving the “right answer” and have realized there is not any connection there. However, I know that married couples who may not have much in common aside from the kids and their common troubles often run out of things to talk about on a daily basis, and resort to this kind of question to each other. If they know that in the past, the “wrong answer” has caused problems, they may tell what they consider just a white lie to keep peace. But for how long can a person do that without filing divorce papers?
I know many of you are married, and I’m wondering whether you are honest with your spouses or whether you tell them white lies. Even if you are not brutally truthful, do you tell the truth in a nice way in the best interests of your relationship because you know your spouse values your opinion no matter what it might be?
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Comments: 19
Well, Sue, I think you've shed some very interesting light on this. I concur with your conclusions with regard to motive.
I really don't care for manipulation of any sort...and particularly, from a Girl that I'm Hot for. Manipulation is precisely what these types of questions are...and there is no room for it in a secure relationship.
When one feels the need to manipulate, I believe it is a sign that there is some insecurity, and a relationship headed for trouble.
Sure, Sue. I know People just like that. Many. Yes, PC is carried right into their intimate relationship. What I notice most about them, is that, rather than a deep, connective relationship, theirs have a superficial, almost dare I say "Chill" to them. Usually based around Children, for the Woman; and, emotional absence, for the Man. Women bitch and pout. Men check out.
I don't mind keeping it light, but I would want nothing to do with a shallow, emotionless relationship. They're such a bore.
Give me some PASSION, and the ability to be open, as your article suggests. Some good raw lust can't be left out of the equation, either...
I dont tell any lies to the woman I am with now, because I dont need to. Nothing about the truth bothers her. But I stil find myself lying to other women, just because I am used to it and good at it. In other words, I cant really blame the women for wanting to hear the "right" answer. At least not completely.
In Sicily they have a saying "Truth is a luxury, we can rarely afford".
I don't think that in your case I would even correlate that type of deception you imply with length of relationship because it would involve other dynamics such as the partners who may have contributed with what they were getting out of the deal too, just for one thing.
I don't see you as particularly PC for the sake of PC in a relationship. You're just what they call a smooth talker. :) There are lots of women who like that and they don't even care whether it's the truth or not. They'll play the game too up to a point. Depends only on which of you gets bored first, and whether the attraction is strong enough to weather it has a good deal of bearing on for how long it lasts.
my wife and i have a unique situation, where we knew each other (including our families, friends etc) back in 1968. we were in a high school class of less than 40 total - played love interests in our junior play - were very close friends (which meant - no she would not go on a date with me, but liked having me around).
she finally developed 1/2 a brain (as i tell her lol), and tracked me down 11 years ago (from 1200 miles away), and we were married a few monthe later.
so 10 years - no problem talking - discuss everything including dreams we had (while sleeping) things we heard, thought, read, saw - you name it. we are in the same house 24/7, except when one of us goes shopping.
that said - it is not the first relationship, or even marraige i have been in - and i can attest that many use the those 'stupid' questions, to get an answer they want.
"can we talk?" for many - that means - i want to tell you something, and you will sit down shut up and do what i say!
then there are the questions you allude to - "do you still think i am pretty?", "was it good for you?", "do you think she looks sexy?", "honey look, do you really think i wanted to go to that strip club????", ok - maybe that one is obvious ...............
but we all have to allow each other to be "human". we all have bad days, we all have moments of insecurity, we all have times of being difficult, or taking things out on our partner.
the real secret in my mind, is to discern whether it is a moment - an evening - a pattern - or a life-long situation.
then we can also decide - how we want to handle it - and accepting it, is an option, and saying it has to stop or else is an option - just be ready for the consequences of either position.
That's quite a story. It's interesting that neither of you had changed considerably enough through those years apart to make you strangers. Certainly, you have a lot in common then, and it sounds like a great match of kindred spirits. It was heartwarming for me to read that. Thank you for sharing it with us.
J and i had bopth retained our basic core vlaues, in spite of any tirals and tribulations we had - or as she saoys it - the lemons chosen in the graden of love lol.
and i couldnt see how politically correct applied - which yes i am not really prone too lolol
"Do you want the truth or a pleasant lie?"