Itâ€™s been a month since Valentineâ€™s Day, and if your relationship is typical, the warm glow of roses, chocolates and romantic-sleepwear-that-has-to-be-returned-because-if-you-think-Iâ€™m-wearing-that-youâ€™re-crazy has faded.
The people at Redbook magazine, not willing to stand idly by while American menÂ return to their insensitive goober-headed ways, have publishedÂ a list of thirteen tips toÂ keep yourÂ manâ€crazy in loveâ€ with you.Â Â While I applaud their good intentions, I feel compelled to issue a dissenting opinion on several of their suggested strategies.
Play Poker With Him:Â On its face, not a bad idea, assuming your man plays poker.Â If, on the other hand, he spends his evenings dusting his collection of My Little Pony figurines, your suggestion may be met with bemusement, which does not mean he will think youâ€™re funny, except in a strange way.Â
If you must play poker with your man, make sure you understand the rules and strategies of the game.Â Here is the value of the various poker hands in ascending order:Â one pair, two pair, red pair, blue pair, three of a kind, straight, gay, flush, put the seat down after you flush, â€œFull Houseâ€ starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, straight flush.
Players can win either by having the hand with the highest value, or by â€œbluffingâ€ other players into thinking they do.Â Here is the bidding in a husband-wife poker gameÂ aired on ESPN16â€²s â€œFamily Poker Feuds.â€
WIFE:Â Who goes first?
HUSBAND:Â You do.
WIFE:Â Do the colors of my chips have to match?
HUSBAND:Â Noâ€“just bet, would you?
WIFE:Â Sor-ry!Â Okay, I betâ€“all of my blue ones, all of my red ones, and all of my white ones.
HUSBAND:Â Sheesh.Â Iâ€™m outâ€“too rich for my blood.Â What did you have?
WIFE:Â I had the King of Spades and the Queen of Heartsâ€“I thought they made aÂ cute couple.
Give Him a Backrub:Â This man-keeping strategyÂ is doomed to failÂ for reasons that Redbook writersÂ would understandÂ if theyÂ had paid attention in biology class.Â The human male does not have erogenous zones on his shoulder blades.
Wake Him Up in the Morning.Â The newstand price of Redbook is $3.50 per copy.Â You would think for three and a half bucks youâ€™d get better advice than this.Â There are two reasons a woman will wake a man upâ€“heâ€™s snoring, or he needs to get to work to make enough money so they can re-do the kitchen.Â Neither is recommended if you want to start the day in a lovey-dovey mood.
Have a Conversation with His Boss.Â Call the Drug Enforcement Agencyâ€“somebodyâ€™s putting LSD in the water coolers at Redbook.Â How exactly is this supposed to help your relationship?Â The strategy as outlined by Julie Dolan, â€œwife of a company execâ€ according to Redbook, is to let the boss shine, let your husband shine, thenâ€“and only thenâ€“let yourself shine a little.Â â€œBe ready to talk about somethingâ€“perhaps a nonpolitical event in the news, maybe a book youâ€™ve read,â€ she says.Â Something like this:
BOSS:Â We have a three billion dollar market cap!
HUSBAND:Â I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!
WIFE:Â Did you hear theÂ Dark Ages ended?Â I read â€œMy Friend Flickaâ€ once.
Dolan goes on to say that â€œYou need to know whatâ€™s going onâ€ so you wonâ€™t launch into aÂ discussion about your big shopping spree the day the bottom falls out of the companyâ€™s stock.Â On the other hand, she says not to show you know too much.Â Thereâ€™s no pleasing that woman!Â Hereâ€™s someÂ model dialogue provided by Redbook.
BOSS:Â Well, it certainly has been an interesting week.
WIFE:Â I guess.Â What did it meanÂ in the paper when they said youâ€™d been â€œindictedâ€?
Leave Him a Sexy Voice Mail at Work:Â Unfortunately, due to outdated federal laws that impose â€œcommunity standardsâ€ on national magazines such as Redbook, the article did not go into much detail as to what you should include in your â€œsexyâ€ voice mail.Â Here is a sexy voice mail approved by Redbook editors for distribution to first-time subscribers to the magazineâ€™s adults-only on-line edition:
PHONEMAIL:Â You have one new message . . .
WIFE:Â Hi honâ€“itâ€™s me.Â Could you pick up Courtney at field hockey after work?Â Also, we need cat foodâ€“the low-cal kind.Â Fritziâ€™s gut is starting to drag on the ground.Â Â Letâ€™s see, what else.Â There was something I wanted to tell you.Â Oh, rightâ€“you are like gasoline on the fire of my desireâ€“you send me higher and higher into paroxysms of earth-shaking erotic explosions.Â
Rememberâ€“the â€œlightâ€ catfood is the kind in the turquoise bag, not the orange bag.Â Have a good day.