OMAHA, Nebraska.Â Warren Buffett put an end to speculation over his successor at Berkshire Hathaway Inc. this morning,Â elevating Debbie Bosanek, his long-time secretary, overÂ five maleÂ rivals.
Bosanek:Â "All I have to do is follow the instructions on this one-of-a-kind t-shirt!"
"Debbie is best positioned to lead the company into the future," Buffet toldÂ reporters as he turned in deposit bottles and cans at a redemption center for a nickel apiece.Â "She knows where we keep the colored paper clips that our shareholdersÂ prefer whenÂ I attach personal notes to our annual reports."
"I've been embezzling funds for decades--Warren's so rich he didn't notice."
Bosanek is believed to make between $200,000 and $500,000Â at present, a figure that accounts for the fact that she pays a higher tax rate than her boss.Â "If Deb had listened to me many years ago and diversified into Beanie Babies and Star Wars memorabilia, she'd have a lower marginal tax rate," Buffett said as he drove through a McDonalds franchise here and purchased a large Coca-Cola in the Chewbacca commemorative cup to complete his collection.
"Buy Garcia the Bear!Â Sell Chewbacca!"
Passed over for the 65 word-per-minute typist who also knows shorthand were the heads of Berkshire Hathway's insurance, railroad and energy units, who are expected to leave the company to spend more time with their families, pursue other opportunities and finally clean out their garagesÂ following today's announcement.
Still your best investment value.
"There's always bitterness when a rising executive doesn't get the position he wants, but Debbie's been very loyal to Warren over the years," said business reporter Floyd Decatur ofÂ Large Cap Monthly.Â "She could have written a tell-all about how he cheats Bill Gates at bridge, but she kept her mouth shut."