I wish I could go back and do things differently, could have been a little kinder, maybe not be so distant from my now late boyfriend. I was so shocked and so upset by his unexpected death, although he predicated it would happened. I tried to encourage him to be more positive and upbeat, but I think he was resigned to his bad health.
So many of you guys were so kind to me in the immediate aftermath. I am forever grateful to you guys and am doing a little better now. Not so shocked, not so grief stricken, although I miss him very much and hope that Andy is at peace now. I hope he knows I never wanted anything bad to happen to him. I wanted him to be ok, although things were strained between us at the time of his death.
He was really good to me when I needed someone to be good to me, but I think now I just need to take care of myself for a while, do the things that matter to me. Getting back into writing, my genealogy, looking for work. Reconnecting with people. Getting back into life in general.
I do realize that life goes on and I am sure I will suffer other deaths among my friends and family as time goes by. This was just so shockilng, so sudden, so intimate. I feel like life is still for me sometimes and everyone else seems to be engaged in life. I suppose that's natural to feel like that after this.
His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, the first one without him. I'm sure I will miss him and grieve for him then too. Then spring will come along and maybe the change in seasons, without any special anniversaries will make things easier to move on then.
In the meantime, I am going to get back into writing more. I think part of the reason I stopped, especially after Andy died, was that I can only take my heart being ripped out so much, that I didn't want to risk any kind of criticisms.
I just finished watching a movie Andy had introduced me to, that was one of our favorites. I'm a die hard John Cusack fan, and surprisingly, I missed watching Say Anything growing up. He introduced that movie to me, and I appreciate it for the charm it exudes. Maybe now I can feel free to move on and Say Anything too?