Dear Wells Fargo,
I must say I was flattered by your February 1st letter. I thought our relationship was irreparably damaged so your generous offer came as quite a surprise.
But let me ask the obvious, have you learned anything?
Do you remember the last time we spoke? Can you recall how we argued? Let me refresh your memory. After you arbitrarily hiked my interest rate to 18.9%, I called to discuss the situation and you were extremely rude.
Your attitude was “my way or the highway”, so I chose the later. Now, you entreat me to come back to you.
What has changed?
If you are not going to mention our unresolved issues, I will.
You need to work on your rigid expectations and abusive behavior. You set arbitrary deadlines then make staggering demands when your expectations are not met.
In a normal relationship, when one party disappoints the other, say by missing a deadline – they apologize – but you want money. This is not how to advance a relationship.
But more on your expectations. While we can both agreed it is important to clearly spell out what we expect of each other, do you really believe a six page Terms and Conditions document is appropriate for that?
Admittedly, your latest attempt does not reflect the poor writing and muddled thinking of your prior attempts, but it is still as one-sided as ever.
You demand so much of others but fail to apply the same demands to yourself, like when you insist that I abide by a six page Terms and Conditions document - then you hike my interest rate on a whim.
You need to work on this because it is a pattern with you.
Do you remember how at the time of our break-up, you were $25 Billion in debt? Do you recall how everyone we knew stepped in to bail you out? To be fair, you made things right, but then you turned right around and gouged all the people who came to your aid.
Is this the way to treat people?
Now, after all that, I get a boiler-plate letter in the mail that clearly illustrates you have not learned a thing.
Well, I have.... and I have moved beyond you.
Wells, you are a strong, successful and popular bank, you certainly do not need me. So I ask politely that you quit pursuing me and direct your ardor toward someone as self-centered and ambitious as yourself.
Have you tried the Kardashians?
© Greg Schiller, 2012
Author: Greg Schiller
Feel free to rummage around my collection of essays and stories at Greg's Garage