Biddy Bullies - mean old women

Thought I'd share a couple of articles .... what is it that brings out this behavior?

Ever notice these dynamics by women more in clubs and other groups?

What brings out the 'mean girl" in women?

Better yet - how do I keep from becoming a mean old woman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JANUARY 23, 2012 12:18PM

Biddy Bullies

By Erica K

http://open.salon.com/blog/erica_k/2012/01/23/biddy_bullies

 

When I visited Mom at the nursing home yesterday, I noticed that all her cookies were gone.Last Sunday I brought her a bag of Pepperidge Farm soft-baked oatmeal raisin cookies and a bag of Ginger Man cookies.It’s possible that she ate them all, but it is also worth noting that her roommate is a kleptomaniac.The aides told me this when she first moved in last May.I brought her another bag of oatmeal cookies yesterday, but before leaving, I walked over to the other lady’s side of the room and discovered a bag of the same oatmeal cookies on her bureau.Very interesting.At that point I decided to write Mom’s name on the new bag of cookies.

 

 

Of course, this is fairly harmless behavior, and not much I can do about it.After all, the nursing home is not a police state.However, Mom’s stuffed animal cat Mouse went missing in August, which devastated her.Luckily, I found duplicates of the stuffed animal at a Hallmark store and bought them all.When I presented her with the new “Mouse” for her birthday, I lied and said that one of the aides found her.She was in seventh heaven.

 

 

Although I haven’t witnessed it firsthand, there is far more devious behavior going on in assisted living facilities and nursing homes.The problem is Biddy Bullies, or Mean Girls of Advanced Age.

 

 

The New York Times featured an article by Paula Span on May 31, 2011 entitled “Mean Girls in Assisted Living.”  The article tells the story of Rhea Basroon’s mother, who moved into a New Jersey assisted living facility and bonded with a woman named Irene.  Ms. Basroon said they became inseparable until a third woman lured Irene away from her mother.

 

Ms. Basroon said, “She was so lonely.  There was no one else she bonded with.”

 

The third resident eventually tired of Irene and dumped her.

 

Then Irene rekindled her friendship with Ms. Basroon’s mother.

 

 

This “social bullying” does not surprise administrators of senior apartments, assisted living facilities, nursing homes and senior centers.

 

 

“What happens to mean girls?Some of them go on to become mean old ladies,” said Marsha Frankel, clinical director of senior services at Jewish Family and Children’s Services in Boston, who has conducted a workshop entitled “Creating a Caring Community” for staff and residents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ms. Frankel and Dr. Robin Bonifas, assistant professor of social work at Arizona State described various scenarios of social bullying:

 

1.“Attempts to turn public places into private fiefdoms.‘There’s a TV lounge meant to be used by everyone, but one person tries to monopolize it . . .’ ” said Dr. Bonifas.

 

2.Exclusion.“Dining room issues are ubiquitous,” said Ms. Frankel.When there is no assigned seating, some residents may announce that they are saving a seat even if no one else is expected.Ms. Frankel has gathered stories from several Massachusetts facilities and said that during exercise class at one facility, a resident “told another in a condescending way, that she was doing it all wrong and shouldn’t be allowed to take the class.”

 

3.General meanness.“People loudly and publicly say insulting things.‘You’re stupid.’‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’ ” Ms. Frankel said.One resident discouraged her obese daughter from visiting because she knew she would become the source of gossip and ridicule for other residents.“Racial and ethnic differences can also set off malicious comments.”

 

Ms. Frankel said that dementia may lead to relaxing of inhibitions (I will vouch for this with my own mother), but that is only part of the picture since not all residents are demented.

 

 

Social manipulation is more about acquiring power and feeling in control, just as in adolescence.Ms. Frankel has found that her workshops are not very effective at getting mean seniors to behave in a kinder, gentler fashion, but sometimes the staff will intervene.

 

 

Dr. Bonifas has undertaken a pilot research program on bullying in two Phoenix senior apartment complexes and noted that, as with young bullies, not everyone is going to be a target.She is thinking of how to teach someone to say, “You’re not going to treat me like that.Every chair here is available to anyone, and I’ll sit where I want.”This helps the “target” take back his/her power from the bully.

 

 

So it seems the adage “older and wiser” doesn’t always prove true.

 

Sometimes it’s just older and meaner.

 

 

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From The Chicago Sun-Times…

Bullying among senior citizens getting more common

Social workers, recreation-center officials and others who work with the elderly say bullying among senior citizens is getting more common.

As the retirement population increases and more people enter care homes and retirement centers “it’s a pretty big deal,” said Melanie Starns, an assistant Arizona Department of Economic Security director overseeing the Aging and Adult Services Division.

“The mean girls were there in school and as we get older, they are still around,” she said.

Robin Bonifas, a gerontology expert at Arizona State University, estimates that 10 percent to 20 percent of older people in care homes experience some type of abuse from fellow residents.

Doris Lor, 76, said despite repeated complaints to the director of her homeowners association in Chandler, Ariz, she still can’t get a seat at a card table, gets the cold shoulder at the women’s club and has been chased away from seats at the community pool.

“No matter where you go, even if you pay for the activity, the clique saves all the seats,” Lor said.

 

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Friday, January 14, 2011

Older Adult/ Senior Bullies in Long-Term Care and Senior Communities

 

http://hospiceandnursinghomes.blogspot.com/2011/01/older-adult-bullies-in-long-term-care.html

 

Some people wake up and change. Others just roll over. I’m referring to the bullies of our pasts and others who have become older adult bullies. These bullies are now terrorizing residents in long-term care and assisted living facilities, senior centers, and retirement communities around the country.

Welcome to the irony of older adults practicing ageism. The first time I witnessed older adults bullying others was at a senior center where, after a great deal of resistance from members, the age for joining the center had finally been lowered from 62 to 55 years old.

Most local senior centers had already lowered their membership age years before this center. Several older members were openly rude to younger members who joined. At lunchtime, I watched them “reserving” tables for their older friends and leaving leftover seating for younger members. I overheard negative comments about “those new young people” stated loudly enough for everyone to hear. I even witnessed an attempt to get a younger member in trouble. I reported all incidents I witnessed to the administration.

They said they were “working on the problem, but change takes time.”  Unfortunately, many older adults don’t have a lot of time ahead of them.  No one should have to spend their golden years being victimized daily by mean-spirited bullies.

 

 

 

 

 

These are some hurtful actions of “mature” bullies:

1. Block off seats for their little cliques at mealtimes and events.

2. Criticize, ridicule, and lie about those who don’t meet their standards of acceptance regarding race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, economic background, and any other criteria they condone.

3. Steal and destroy property to flaunt their power and harass victims.

4. Physically abuse victims by pushing, hitting, punching, or kicking them. They sometimes justify this as an “accident.”

A former school principal, I know bullying is a problem that only gets worse when it’s ignored.  Too often the victims are vulnerable and defenseless.  Some, such as those targeted because of their sexual orientation, become so depressed they commit suicide. Observers are often too afraid themselves to take a stand.  The administration must be seriously involved.

 

These are some guidelines that can help solve problems of bullying:

1. Commit to and promote principles of equality and respect for all residents/members.

2. Do a confidential needs assessment on bullying to determine how severe the problem is.  General needs assessments should be done annually.

3. Have open discussions involving residents, staff, and community members about bullying, its causes, and solutions. Consultants with expertise in bullying, conflict resolution, diversity, etc. can be especially helpful.

4. Provide extensive staff training in how to handle bullying among themselves and those they serve. Continue to educate residents/members. Victims need the support, and bullies need to be reminded that eliminating bullying is an ongoing priority.

5. Review and change procedures that can decrease the power of bullies. For example, eliminating reserved seating and implementing another seating procedure can prevent bullying cliques from saving blocks of the best seats for themselves.

6.Create and disseminate a zero tolerance policy on bullying along with channels for reporting incidents and resolving them.

7.Keep in mind that the goal is to create a culture where no bullying is the standard embedded in how the institution operates. There must be consistency in implementation and visible recognition of everyone’s dignity and rights.

Frances Shani Parker, Author Becoming Dead Right: A Hospice Volunteer in Urban Nursing Homes is available in paperback at many online and offline booksellers and in e-book form at Amazonand Barnes and Nobleonline stores. Hospice and Nursing Homes Blog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When The Time Comes - Resources

For general information on caregiving:
The AARP
888-OUR-AARP
www.aarp.org/caregiving

Family Caregiver Alliance
800-445-8106
www.caregiver.org

Strength for Caring
www.strengthforcaring.com

The Eldercare Locator (from the U.S. Administration on Aging)
800-677-1116
www.eldercare.gov

National Family Caregivers Association
800-896-3650
www.thefamilycaregiver.org

For services at home:
Meals on Wheels Association of America
703-548-5588
www.mowaa.org

National Adult Day Services Association
877-745-1440
www.nadsa.org

For information about senior facilities and residences:
Consumer Consortium on Assisted Living
703-533-8121
www.ccal.org

NCCNHR
National Citizens’ Coalition for Nursing Home Reform
202-332-2275
www.nccnhr.org

American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (AAHSA)
202-783-2242
www.aahsa.org

To find professionals:
National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers
520-881-8008
www.caremanager.org

National Senior Citizens Law Center
877-745-1440
www.nsclc.org

For information on hospice and end of life care:
National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
800-658-8898
877-658-8898 (Spanish)
www.nhpco.org